My Car Shines

First thing yesterday morning, I was out checking on the Strawberry plants that I moved from locations around the edible garden to the new suspended bed. They were in shock last night, but this morning they all look fully adapted. They should! They are in rich moist soil, whereas before I didn’t really care about them because slugs made growing them (on the ground) pointless.

Yesterday was another lovely warm and bright day. I love these endless days of sunshine for the benefits they give me—being outdoors all day. But I hope we get the rain that’s predicted for tonight and tomorrow.

We went for our morning walk at 7:15. That’s the earliest we’ve walked this year, but we’re you are up at 4:00, we’re ready at 7:00. Besides, it got me back early to get started on chores, and first up was watering all the beds that I did not water on Friday evening. Next up was going into the village to take stuff to GIRO (our recycling centre) and to get some more Strawberry plants for the new planter.

Then it was lunchtime and I’d already walked over 5,000 steps. After that came time for my siesta on the recliner in dappled sunshine. I don’t sleep, but I love the warmth of the sun and just chilling in the quiet of the afternoon. It lasted 15 minutes and then it got cloudy, so I got back to work. I planted the strawberries I bought into the new bed, and then I got busy cleaning the car. I started with the outside. Now I know why I never wash my car. It’s exhausting.

Once the outside was done, I took a break before tackling the inside. I brought her smelly blankets in with me and put them into the washing machine and then out on the line to dry. Then, I went out and realized that I had not washed the roof. So, that was first, then the inside. I even washed the wheels and cleared all the built-up dirt from the wheel wells. The whole job took 2.5 hours, but then I was thorough.

I abandoned plans to move my outdoor furniture from the studio to the garden patio. I figured it could wait for today. Instead, Her Highness and I went for our afternoon walk and then we came home and I got into the spa. As a reward for cleaning my car, I ordered a hammock and stand for the garden from Amazon. Steve and Beth will love it when they are here, as will I when they are not.

Our evening was like every other evening for the past couple of years. Me? A creature of habit? No!

•

It was 7° this morning and slightly overcast. It was cold inside the house, so I lit the fire to warm us up. It’s My Day. My only goal is to enlarge the fence around my Italian Plumb tree. I’m to meet Kris and Steve for lunch at the food truck in Silva Bay, so the work will be done this afternoon. Or not. I’ve accomplished so much of late, taking today off would not be a problem.

Strawberry Planter

 Friday felt odd because there was nothing pressing needing doing. There were things to do, and I stayed busy all day, but it was such a pleasure to do things that I’d long thought of doing but weren’t urgent. I over ordered gutters a long time ago, so I affixed one to my edible garden fence to use as a planter for strawberries. By raising them off the ground, the slugs won’t get them. It was the slugs that had me abandon growing them in the past when I first planted them.

But before I got busy around Pinecone Park, we walked on a gorgeous morning with our friends. It was a warm and beautiful morning for a walk. It was an inspiring way to get my day underway. And when we were finished walking, we did a quick run into the village to get some groceries, then we came home for lunch and then I got down to work doing some watering and installing the new strawberry planter. 

It’s as though my garden has hit puberty. There are so many firsts: there were super blooms on the Lobelia, Climbing Hydrangea and Paulownia for the first time ever, every one of my Apple trees (4) has fruit (only one has had a tiny yield in the past), and for the first time, I have Italian plumbs. All the trees are small. They are babies, but their tiny crop is fine for one person.

The maturity of the garden adds lushness to the beds; each year it is more beautiful. And the best part, is I did all the work to make it look so nice. I need no hired help.

•

All the professional events and exhibitions that I produced in the arts succeeded. My textbook succeeded. I felt successful, but they were administrative successes. The only time I felt artistic success was when I conceived of and produced a play called North Shore Live. The first time I created something that I thought was truly artistic and professional and wholly mine, was my series of craft dresses. They were my proudest artistic achievement, and no one saw them. I wasn’t interested in showing them. And now, my garden is beautiful. It fills me with pride. Whenever I go out there, I feel good, but again, hardly anyone else sees it. 

I don’t like attention. I loved doing shows, but I loathed socializing afterwards with people. I’d often have a blistering headache from the stress of being with people. Now I know why, thanks to Dr. S.

•

I feel reborn by Tezspire. I can’t believe that I am keeping up on absolutely everything at P.P. I am swimming with energy, and it feels very. very good. Soon, I’ll be wood stacking. That is hard work for an old man, but I’m looking forward to doing it believe it or not. I’ll go slow and I’ll take breaks to water the gardens, but I’ll enjoy having work to do every day. I hope it will come soon.

At 14:30, I was done. It was too hot to do any more work once the planter was built. I came in for a cool shower and then I took Her Highness for a short walk on a shady trail, and she was willing to walk! She is recovered now, but I had to put a sock on her foot this morning to keep her from damaging her paw. 

When we came home from our walk, I did a little watering of the front bed so that I had less watering to do today. The weather office is still predicting sunshine and more heat for today, but Sunday may be cloudy and then in the evening, hopefully, we may have rain. And rain again on Monday. I say, fat chance! However, I am hopeful.

•

I’m quite anxious about being interviewed for the CBC.

One of the hardest things for many people who stutter (PWS) is to say their own name. My lived experience has taught me that anything reflexive brings on strong stuttering, and a media interview, by nature, is reflexive. I’m being interviewed about my bad experiences accessing social services.

I have a ‘being naked in front of a crowd’ feeling about the interview. They are interviewing (fluent) Aidan about our project, Listening Equity. He’s explaining our project, and I, and other PWS being interviewed are speaking to our experience, and we all stutter. We are the disabled choir.

I am not a ‘proud’ stutterer, like some. I live alone, with pets, on an island. I spend most of my time alone. I don’t like it when the focus is on me. I never have. And as I said already, now I know why, thanks to Dr. S.

I’m nervous about the interview because it’s about me and my stutter. Thinking about it has me swaying in my seat. This is not good. I’m praying it will be via Facetime or Zoom or something, so I can see Charlie, a producer with the show. I asked for this when I wrote to BC Emergency Services. Sometimes when you get involved with advocacy, you wind up in the media. My mantra is: “You asked for this.” It gives me strength.

•

I moved here suddenly, after seeing an ad for this place online. I had absolutely no thought of moving. Never! Ever! Looking at properties was my porn. The noise of downtown living was driving me mad. I moved here for silene and to be calmed by living proximate to nature.

And then I got pets and planted many garden beds in a drought zone, over tree roots. I knew I was anchoring myself by making these decisions, but I was still unaware that I would become a person who never wants to leave home. All my decisions were spontaneous and made to nurture my wounded soul. They happened quickly eighteen months after my breakdown.

During that year and a half after my nervous collapse, Dr. S. guided me through a journey of understanding and adaptation. I was having seizures every day, usually many of them, and my speech was very awkward. The breakdown, the diagnoses, and the symptoms were life changing. It was tough.

But after eighteen months, I was ready to make the move. I have made myself an environment that makes me feel secure and happy. I have a sense of belonging here. It’s dead quiet here at night and there is no ambient light. I very rarely entertain, except when guests come to stay (and that’s not often).

Dr. S. approves of my isolation. She understands me completely. Besides, how can wanting to do what makes me happiest and makes me feel good be wrong? She said, “Of course it’s okay. It’s good for you! Your condition makes solitude the most comfortable way to live.” She knows I love having my best friends come to visit, and I love Zooming with friends. Being connected is still vital. I’m not without meaningful relations with my buddies.

•

Today will begin with a spa, lots of watering of the garden beds, and a walk with Her Highness. I was awakened by the pets at 4:00 this morning, so there will be a nap in dappled sunshine, and I’ll likely wash and clean the inside of the car. It’s long overdue.

These ferns grow up to my shoulder. I love them. They are native.

This is half on my herb garden. The other half is
 undergoing a make-over.

I'm going to get another bumper year of raspberries. And somehow
I'm going to have to get rid of the potatoes growing there.
They were miraculously conceived. I have no idea where they came from.

I wanted to hide the shed. The studio is attractive. The shed is a shed.
Darrel built the trellis and I bought the fountain. My plan worked.

This was a twig in the ground. They didn't know what it was
at the nurssery. so Clarence gave it to me. It's now a meter tall
and it grows lots of beautiful blossoms each year now.

That dark space of the house is the cattery. It lets Fred and
Ethel go outside and it's where I have the litter bod.

 CLEAN!

 I love this speckled walkway under the Lobelia tree. It's blossoms
are falling off and it looks so pretty on the path.

 I see these beauties every day. This one landed on the Fuchsia 
on my back deck. A beauty, eh?!

This is my new srawberry planter made from a plastic gutter. No slugs!

There are scattered patches of Wild Rose all over the island. They are looking
resplendent right now, along with the bright yesllow Scotch Broom.

I have lots of Wild Strawberries in one part of the yard.

Nany Italian Plumb. This is the first year of any fruit
on this new little tree. I'm overjoyed.

One Bad Cherry

Yesterday was the opposite of the day before. I was a busy beaver yesterday, working all day outside except for a short nap in the sunshine after lunch. We walked in the morning, but Her Highness was not up for our afternoon sojourn through the 707. We had to turn back. 

I focused on cleaning the last of the beds needing cone and needle removal and I added soil to all the beds where there was a need. I don’t think Pinecone Park has every looked so good. It was such a great day, I got a lot done. I could have done more, but for dessert at lunchtime I ate some cherries. I was typing as I ate and I was not paying attention to the condition of the cherries. When I ate one, I regretted it. It tasted off.

Twenty minutes later, I was feeling so sick in my stomach, I couldn’t walk. The next half-hour was spent in the bathroom. Once my body had emptied itself, I got back to work again, watering everywhere and attending to the many little things a garden always needs doing. I cut all the dead little twigs off all my woody plants, and it makes a marvellous difference. All my beds look incredibly tidy now.

Today, for the second time this Spring, I’m expanding the fence around the Italian Plumb tree. When that is done, I will have completed everything I have wanted to do in the garde. I have a list of things I want done in the Fall, but I am going to hire someone to do them. I want to move things, and digging is a challenge I don’t want. I’m planning to hire Sandi’s gardener to do all the transplanting chores.

Now I just water and putter until the wood comes. Then I’ll be busy stacking it all in the shed. I feel up to the challenge. I like having things to do to keep me busy and outdoors in the fine weather. It’s getting warmer, but Sunday is predicted to be cloudy and Sunday night and Monday may be wet. My fingers are crossed.

Aidan is in Japan. SPACE is making a presentation at a university there and Aidan is leading several workshops in various locations. I have some SPACE homework to do, but that will happen on Sunday when the weather has me wanting to stay indoors. The CBC program, On the Coast, is going to interview me. I’m excited to know that listeners will be hearing a stutterer on the radio!!

fossil coral

tulips, the Netherlands

A Surprise Visit

These are two blossoms from my Paulownia tree. I always knew that they were blue. I did not know that they had such gorgeous pale-yellow interiors. 

•

Wednesday we were back to clear skies and warm temperatures. My goal for the day is to clean up three beds, have a spa or two and a nap in the semi-shade of the garden in midday. I felt so wonderfully relieved to see Sheba so happy. Her energy and joy are fully back; she was running around and very excited about feeling better.

I’m back to ‘normal’ as well, thriving on solitude. I’m back to once a month with Dr. S., I’m feeling stable in terms of my speech, and I haven’t had a seizure for a few weeks.  I shot myself up with Tezspire in the morning, and then I read for a while to pass time until it was time to walk with our friends. We hadn’t walked with them for over a week.

When Dr. S. was talking, she said as part of her answer to a question that I’d asked, “Your [nervous] system is telling you to keep to yourself, that people are dangerous, and that makes sense given your upbringing.” I felt she was giving me permission to be alone and to want to be alone.

When I talked to Dwight afterwards, he explained the delay in his visit. The battery of his electric bike is toast and a new one costs $1,500! But as we talked, I felt very, very good about wanting him to visit. Yes, my nervous system wants me to be solitary, but I will always treasure the visits of everyone who comes to visit. 

We had a short walk with our friends. I didn’t want Sheba to overdo things, but the change in her is miraculous. I think she’d been ill for quite a while because now she is prancing along the trails, often ahead of me, sometimes with me. For the past quite a while, she has lagged behind us, but no more and I am thrilled to have her ‘back.’

When we got home from our walk, I cleaned the barbeque it’s now ready for Summer. And then I did nothing all through the day until 16:00, when I watered the front beds and fruit trees. During the day, I took a nap in the sunshine. The house is cold without a fire, so I have a spa first thing in the morning to warm up. And then, after lunch, I often have a nap in the sunshine to get warm. Yesterday, that short sleepless nap tired me out so much, I came in and got into bed for a real nap.

At 15:00, Kevin and Shelly dropped by. They are former neighbours who now regularly leave the island completely between October and April. They spent this past Winter in Central America. It was great to see them. They liked my yard and really enjoyed touring the garden to know more about many of the plants. They went ape shit over the Laburnum.

When they left, Her Highness and I went for our afternoon walk, and our evening was the usual.

•

Last night I took my first walkabout after dinner. It’s something I like to do in the cooler part of daylight fading. And, as I say whenever I talk about Pinecone Park, I feel very proud of what I’ve done. I feel attached to them. I chose each one, and I care for each one. I don’t use a sprinkler; I water each plant according to its need.

And it’s because of that care that I am so fulfilled by the yard. The biggest reason that I have a garden that is lush and beautiful is that I am a diligent waterer. 

I took the ‘thou shalt not kill’ to heart at an early age. I catch and release anything unwelcome comes into the house. All through the long burning season, I shake every piece of wood by tapping it on my chopping block. I do it to free anything attached to it, off it. I try to not kill things. I have a low-impact rating in worm land.

It seems consistent to be responsible waterer. Water is my partner-creator of Pinecone Park.

•

About those long things about my thoughts that I post. I feel I need to explain myself. Every time I try to speak, when I hurt myself because I grotesquely over-react to sudden noise or movement, when I seize, I’m angry that my broken nervous system is due to the negligence of many people. 

My so-called breakdown wasn’t a moment, a week, not even a month, or a year, it’s been ten years so far. It goes on! And I’ve been seeing Dr. S. from the beginning. My symptoms and my therapy make me think a lot about me.

This has been a life-shattering experience. Functioning with very limited speech capacity is challenging. And to know that it’s due to the negligence of adults makes me furious.

I feel trapped in consciousness of my early history and the current consequences of that history. My therapy and my symptoms are constant reminders of that fucking history.