Endless Sunshine

friday

Friday was beautiful and sunny, so our morning walk at Windecker trail was lovely, but I arrived home too tired to move. Luckily, I had a dental appointment for a cleaning, and so I was happy to go and recline on their chair and to close my eyes. When I got home, I fed the pets and lay down for a nap that was more like a sleep.

The remainder of the day was slow. I was a zombie until around 4:00, when I felt alive again. When I walk with our group, I am done for the day. The same thing happened when I went to Nanaimo for lunch with Bev. The rest of the day was a write-off. God, I hope these tests reveal a problem and that it is fixable.

If there is a problem, it will mean that I’ve had 3 heart attacks, 2 pacemaker failures, and whatever this is. That’s a total of six cardiac interventions. I still cannot believe that! I feel grateful for being alive and for all the help I’ve received.

Her Highness and I went for our afternoon walk. It was short. And then, as usual, it was dinner and a movie. But I also think I’ve got Monday covered for Sheba. I’ll take her for a good walk Monday morning, and I’ll leave here at ten. Dona will come at 12:30 to walk her and feed her, and then shortly after that, Dianne will arrive. I expect to be back home early in the afternoon.

saturday

Saturday was brilliant, sunny and cold. We went for an early walk and then I took Her Highness to the beauty parlour for a grooming. I love it when she is shampooed and trimmed. She smells sweet and it’s wonderful to hug a squeaky clean pupper.

In the early afternoon, when it is warmest and bright, we walked the Elder Cedar trail. I had four naps yesterday, two of them long ones. And then I sleep quickly and deeply all night. I can’t believe it because prior to my breakdown, I lived on four hours sleep a night.

After seven months of living with a mystery ailment that robs me of my energy, things are about to come to a head. The coming month will see this story reach, not its resolution, because the story will go on if no problem is revealed in the tests, but a major plot moment. I can hardly wait for news of the test results.

I’ve not entertained anyone here since early August. On that last time, I had the worst seizure I’ve had since the intense first year post breakdown. I’m looking forward to feeling up to the challenge again if they find a heart or arterial problem and can fix it.

Last time I saw Dr. Shoja, I was talking about my living patterns at her request. I decided to tell her that I was pretty much always at home and that I’d stopped entertaining and accepting invitations to any gatherings except with my south island friends (Steve, Kris and Nancy), and my gay posse (François, Eoin and Jay), but I chose to begin by saying, that I wasn’t agoraphobic, and I explained why I was sure that I wasn’t. And then I explained my pattern.

When I was done, she asked me, “Why did you start off by talking about agoraphobia?”

I replied, “Because I’m not afraid of what’s out there, I’d just rather not go out there except when I must to get groceries or see a doctor.”

“And where did you get your information about agoraphobia?”

“Excellent question! I did no research at all.”

I was glad she asked that question. I felt like a fool, and I told her so. And I apologized. She thinks I am agoraphobic. I told her that I’m not taking it to heart, that the last thing I need is another label. Then she qualified what she had said. She said, she would more than likely diagnose a homebound person who had no need to be homebound, agoraphobic. In my case, though, she believes that spending time at home is good for me because I am calm here. For me, she said, staying at home is logical and therapeutic, so she would not diagnose me as agoraphobic. However, I behave similarly to an agoraphobic person. 

Hair split! Works for me.

sunday

It continues to be endlessly sunny, bright and cold. Today I shall be focused on preparing for my day in Nanaimo tomorrow, and tidying, cleaning and cooking for Di’s visit. Her Highness and I will have a lovely afternoon walk in the sunshine later.