I Can, I Can't

Can you believe it? I’m find it incredible that the orange blowhole posted this image himself—well, his team posted it for him I imagine, but on his direction I’m sure. What an embarrassment for the USA.

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Yesterday began with good news. After all my watering on Sunday, we had some rain overnight Sunday night. Not a lot; only enough to moisten the surface, but it washed all the pollen off the deck and all the leaves on my shrubs. I did some soaking when I watered the beds and that’s what many plants needed. Still, it was very damp yesterday morning, and it felt good for the forest and all the florae. 

I’ve had two emotional shocks over my speech in the past two weeks, so I am very grateful to be feeling more or less at peace with being non-verbal. What’s most important is to keep feeling good about my friendships with a very small number of close friends. Dwight has been steadfast, and that is vital to me. He has my power of representation and is my executor.

I also feel good about declining Kris and Steve’s invitation to a dinner party. It’s not an easy thing to do with friends who mean so much to me. That’s why I proposed going on an adventure together to Mahle House restaurant in Cedar. We are going May 6^th for the table d'hôte dinner. By making the proposal, I was signalling that I am keen to be with them in a small group. I just can’t do parties anymore.

Sheba and I went for our walk at 8:15 so that I could return to Pinecone Park, drop her off, and then go into village to meet with Bruce and Dana. When I came home, I checked my cistern. After my big scare a couple of months back, when I discovered it was close to empty due to a stuck valve, I’m relieved to find it working well again. After a huge watering yesterday, it is full.

Although I can’t say words, I can make sounds with the same intonation of things that I say. I can’t say, “come on Sheba” when I want to her to come in from the yard. But I can make sounds that sound, to her, the same as when I say words. She amazes me every day with how cooperative she is. She, too, is adapting and my love for her is bursting.

I called Steve on Facetime. I could slush speak single words, sometimes two or three in a row, and he understands what I am saying, more from the tonal variance than from clarity of speech. But I’m grateful for that. It makes me feel good, less isolated, to be able to communicate very modestly with my cherished friends. That’s a big plus. After chatting with him briefly, I went off to Mad Rona’s to meet Brent and Dana.

I did rather well with Brent and Dana. It was a huge relief, then, when I was shopping later and ran into friends, nothing. I could not get a sound out. It seems to me, where I really want to communicate, I can. It is horribly flawed speech, but it’s speech. I did not do any writing when I was with them yesterday morning.

They are very nice folks. They wanted to pay me and invite me to the party. I declined on both counts. I told them gifting is great for me because I can’t communicate with words very well. We worked out that they will pick up the cakes, help me with the assembly, and lend me a pizza peel. We’ll use two peels to add layers to the cake, and Brent will make boards on which to present and serve the cakes. I suggested to Dana that she pick and dry flower petals and that we put fern fronds and dried petals on the board edges under Saran wrap, so that they platters look pretty on the table.

Aidan and I had a very thoughtful and practical discussion about our project. We are an excellent team. I sent him a lot of material that we will discuss on Wednesday at our usual time. It was so amazing, I wrote a long, long email to him on Sunday night, and a key part of it was wanting to address banking access for dysfluent people. And out of the blue, Aidan wrote to me yesterday saying survey results are also pointing to banking as problematic for stutterers and for other dysfluent people. We think alike, even separately.

I feel unlocked now, because of how I spoke with Dana and Brent, and because I can say words to my pets. So, I seem to go in and out of lock-in. I’ll get used to this horror of never knowing what is going to come out of my mouth or not come out of it. What matters most to me since the onset of these troubles, is Sheba. I’d be lost without her. 

Another light shower last night has me very happy about the state of my garden beds. It’s been such a dry Spring. The forecast is varied, with lots of cloud and some predicted showers, but at least the relentless sunshine is over for a bit. (I can’t believe I feel this way, actually wanting rain at this time of year.