Back to Being Mute

I was positively thrilled to see golden sunlight illuminating the tops of the trees yesterday morning. It was going to be a day for at least one soak in the spa. Soon, I will be emptying the spa until April or May. It’s too expensive to heat my overly large hot tub through the Winter.

Sunshine is good medicine for me. It lifts my spirits. I looked forward to passing a lovely day at the sight of it. First up, once I was done with morning chores, was walking Her Highness. At one point on the trail, the deciduous Alder trees overwhelmed me with their beauty. Most of the leaves were on the ground, but there were many still on each branch and their wet surface shimmered in the sunlight that ghosted through the morning mist. It was a stunning sight.

I ran into Sandy walking Baxter, and later two neighbours on their morning walk coming along Violet Crescent. Sandy knows me, so I felt comfortable struggling to get words out. The other couple are people I’ve been waving to for years as I pass them walking. They are fanatical walkers. Yesterday was my first time talking with them and it was brutal. But they showed no signs at all of shock or frustration. We had a nice short chat.

I ordered more elastic waist and cuff pants. I love the convenience and comfort of them. It’s a bit like wearing my pyjamas outdoors. 

Just before noon, I went out to chop and stack wood. I could not do too much before I had to come inside to cool down, to catch my breath and to let everything hurting feel better. Wow! It’s brutally hard for this old man with asthma to do. After I rested and had caught my breath, we went into the village for bread and to see what snacks I could find in Wishbone.

I left for the village, thinking I would no more splitting and stacking when I got back, but I fear it’s just too much for me. I need help and Pete has offered, so I may wait for a day when he can help me. Yowza, it’s very hard work! Instead, I got into the spa. And oh, the joy of being in warm water. Heaven!

Crystal, with whom I was bosom buddies for a decade, called my last night. It was thrilling to see her name on the screen of my iPad. I can’t believe I did this: I answered the call on my watch, and I spoke with great difficulty as I walked to my computer and switched the call to its large screen. I was Dick Tracey! While we were talking, Sarah MacLachlan came home. Crystal is staying in her house. I felt nervous/embarrassed about my impaired speech, when Sarah joined it. She, of course, was her lovely self.

I’m going backwards. I must carry my iPad and phone with me when I go out. I’ve been rendered severely disabled with speech in and out all through this journey.

What I don’t like about this level of impairment I have now, is that I can’t participate meaningfully in conversation. I can function, but I can’t play, is how I see it. As usual, I feel disinclined to initiate anything social.  Don’t want to ‘inflict’ myself on anyone.

•

I have a word: disruptor. And a new term: benign distruptor.

If I am asked, “What’s wrong with you?” There are several different ways I can answer that question.  I had diagnoses: Complex PTSD and Functional Neurological Disorder. I’ve amassed a large new vocabulary, learning about my brain, and in particular, the amygdala, and the nervous system. I’ve also had to learn a lot about my past and its legacy. I’ve had to understand how emotion becomes physical. 

In one session several years ago, Dr. S. said, in response to something I’d asked her, “Well, with all anxiety disorders ….” And bells rang in my head. Hallelujah, brother, I got understanding! I got resonance! That one word brought clarity to me of what was going on. One simple word, and a word everyone understands.

I don’t use that word to describe myself because we’re having a pandemic of anxiety right now. The word has weight right now, almost status. If you don’t have anxiety, you aren’t trying hard enough. That kind of thing.  Sometimes, I like to say: “I am what happens when I child is not loved.”

I love that answer. That’s what I told the paramedics when I came out of the seizure. Those were my first words. When I say that, I am telling the truth. But I am also teaching an important lesson about the power of love, and its absence. 

What I say most of the time, is: “I’ve got a neurological condition.” With friends, I always say “psycho-neurological,” It’s far more informative and the role of anxiety is made obvious by my symptoms.

Single words, the most impactful being, “neglected,” have been door openers to enlightenment of my condition. Words that fit and sometimes hit. I hated hearing Dr. S. refer to me as a neglected child. That word hurt for a long, long time. Writing and performing my play had me using words in a way I’d never done before. Every word was a careful choice.

A big topic of conversation between Dr. S. and me concerns my relationship with people. I am sustained by the love of my friends, but people make me nervous—so nervous I have seizures. I could honestly say that 85% of my seizures are when I am with friends or acquaintances.

Suddenly, last night, out of nowhere, I thought: ‘disruptors.’ That’s what people are to my brain. People bring disorder into my environment. I cannot control them. And they will say things, or suddenly move an arm, or speak too quickly, or too loudly, and I will have a seizure. 

But I like to use the term “benign disruptor,” because I’m triggered by normal human behaviour. Once, a friend went to put his arm around me, and I dodged, tripped and fell. I thought he was going to hurt me. It still gives me the shivers to recall that event. I felt deeply embarrassed. 

I had a good chat with Dwight, watched a play on National Theatre and went to bed. I love going to bed.

•

On September 4, 2026, the UN General Assembly voted 164 to 1 to adopt the Correct the Mapresolution. Sponsored by Togo on behalf of the African Union, the resolution formally called for institutions to phase out the traditional 1569 Mercator projection in favour of equal-area designs, specifically endorsing the 2018 Equal Earth map projection. 

The Mercator projection distorted the relativity of size. It showed Greenland (2 million square miles) as roughly the same size of Africa (30 million square miles). One hundred and sixty-four nations voted in favour of the change, there were six abstentions, and only one nation voted against the proposal: the USA! What a fucking loser of a nation the USA is now.

•

Today is going to be sunny again. I shall try to do more splitting and stacking. I didn’t get much done yesterday, but if I keep at it, I shall feel very good about it. There are several rounds that are too big for me to move and split. I’ll need help to get them split and stacked. Pete is coming by today to check out the challenge. He’s willing to help me, bless him! 

And speaking of blessings, Dwight calls me every day just to chat. He’s perfect for me. He’s up, we talk about him and his life as well as me and mine, and he’s just there, always happy and encouraging. He is not sad for me and sympathetic, and I like that very much!

Luciano Pavarotti, 1935.