Finding a Path

Yesterday was fear-based. It was governed by my fear of having a seizure, especially at bed time, but I didn't have one so today I feel confident again and it's a wonderful feeling. It is, however, a tempered confidence.

Dr. Shoja said she would "stay with me" for "a year or two." Those quotation marks surround her exact words, and so far that has meant a weekly appointment. That is all I have been told about my treatment and prognosis since my admission to hospital on April 9th.

The medication I have is not prophylactic. I have not taken it yet because the few seizures I've had since were mild and then I went two weeks without having one. I thought having seizures was over.

There are two key words in my opening paragraph. They are "confidence" and "fear;" those feelings are my emotional polarities living with seizures. But I cannot live every day as I did yesterday, hiding in my home. I need a strategy for living with this condition. I am paralytically afraid of having a Richter-ten seizure (like I had on Friday night) in public.

The great thing about seeing Dr. Shoja weekly is that answers or help are never more than six days away. I'll be asking for her help on Wednesday to find a comfortable and secure path for going forward, a middle ground between my emotional polarities.