Visiting Hell

I thought I was a goner last night.

I went to bed at around 11:00 and it felt good to get all cozy. I was tired. Then, after settling in to fall into the glorious escape of sleep, I felt a sudden change. It was like falling into a dark hole like Alice in The Looking Glass. My breathing became panting and, sure enough, I was into a seizure — but not just any seizure, by far the worst one I have ever had.

It lasted longer than any past seizure, too. After some time, I tried to stand and it seemed to suck me deeper into the hole. I felt doomed but then, after what felt like an eternity but was probably more like 15 or 20 minutes, I felt as dramatic and sudden a switch again. This time, for the better.

I desperately wanted to call 911but I couldn't; I couldn't talk. I was absolutely terrified.

This morning, I wondered: Was that the worst experience of my life? I decided, by far, it was. I'd always thought the worst was when I was mugged (technically kidnapped). For 22 minutes I was at the disposable of a maniac on withdrawal but through it all I never for a second thought I would die. All I feared was getting hurt more. Last night I was terrified that that I was going to die here alone.

It isn't the convulsions that make it so bad, it's the pain/pressure I feel. I once fainted every day for a full month when I lived in France. It turned out to be due to the penicillin I was taking. The feeling I gat when the seizures start  is like the feeling I have just before I go "out" when I faint.

There's no way I am going to the wedding party today. I am too afraid of another bad seizure like last night given the challenge of getting there alone plus the fact that there will be a zillion strangers jammed into a tiny house when I get there; the likelihood of a seizure is too high, especially given that last night was my second seizure in two days.

I thought they were over. Now I'm not sure when I will feel safe again. There is good news here though: I now know that there are levels of seizure — mild, strong and terrifying, but I can get through them. Last night was terrifying because it was a far stronger and longer-lasting seizure than any before.

I don't ever want to go through that again. It is particularly hard to take alone. This morning, I have been reading about a company called Nurse Next Door and if this continues, I may hire someone to be here when I go to bed. Going to bed has been a trigger since the seizures began and now it's a scary thing to do.

Just FUCK!