Sunday, April 30, 2023


I was outside at 8:00 am, using the weedwhacker to clear the cracks between the paving stones in the courtyard, and then I got busy pruning all the old fronds of the biggest Sword Ferns in the backyard garden. It is a wonderful time of day to be working outside when it is cool and fresh. I had an absolutely spectacular day working outside all day with Sheba at my side.

There is so, so very much to be done, but I love having such fulfilling work to do. At 9:30, I took Her Highness for a really lovely morning walk, and then I came home to plant all the plants that Ali and Peter gave me on Saturday. Normally, I clean up the lawns before I tackle the gardens, but not this year. It was lovely to see my gardens regain a look of being cared for. As each year passes, my gardens look better and better. But my goodness, I tire easily. Progress is slow, but steady, and the reward to my eyes is heavenly. 

This sudden change to Summer-like weather is shocking. I got so hot yesterday, I had to set up my fan by my desk to cool me down when I had lunch and took my breaks. My 10:30, it was already a lovely 18°—an ideal temperature for a day of working in the garden.

I was dying to mow the lawn, but my mower is shot. Luckily, I know the guy to call. At 12:30, when I reached a pretty deep level of fatigue, I took the mower to Doug’s place to leave it there to be fixed. How many times to I say to myself: “It’s always something!”

When I got back from Doug’s, I was truly impressed by how much I accomplished in the morning. It was very satisfying to see all the progress. Yes, I have days of work ahead, but I know that I’ll feel the same sense of pride and pleasure in my yard when my work is done. And Ali and Peter have offered me more plants, so I’ll be getting lots more for my gardens.

By 2:00 it was 22° and I was in heaven. I took Sheba for some ball playing at Rollo Park, and then got back to work on the yard. I worked until 4:00 and then I quit. I don’t know if it’s due to FND or not, it probably is, but my leat arm gets very trembly/twitchy and is kind of useless for working when I get tired. But what a day! I got lots done and I loved doing all the work.

And then … the spa. Yay! How I love getting into that nice warm water. My spa seats 8, so I have tons of room to spread out. I can lie down very comfortably, and I enjoy being totally submerged except for my face. It’s the ultimate way to relax. Then it was happy hour—for me a Diet Coke—then, dinner, more of The Diplomat, and bed.

I’ll be having another day like yesterday today. All this coming week is predicted to be nice, so I’ll get lots more work done during the week. Yay!

I got my tax return. And I may not go to Victoria. Money saved. I’m going shopping for plants. My gardens are starting to look mighty good. They’re about four years old now, so there’s more breadth and more altitude—and varied altitudes. I need some ground cover. Peter gave me a lot and I want a lot more, so I’m going shopping. 

Each year, my gardens look better. Each year at this time, I fall in love with Pinecone Park.  I have made a stunning private mini-park for myself where I love having people over for dinners or barbeques. And a place where I can swing in my hammock or read on my lounge chairs.

I feel blessed to be living here. I feel like the king of the world having such an expansive home and yard. I have trees. I own trees. The best thing about Pinecone Park is that it is jointly created by nature and me. Native Salal, Sword Ferns and Ocean Spray are resplendent in the park. The highlight of the season is when the massive bank of Ocean Spray blooms; the bank becomes covered in blossoms and the park is extremely and deliciously fragrant from their perfume.

It amazes me to recall that one day, looking at real estate online, I saw this house for sale. I loved looking at rural properties that I could afford to live in, but I had zero interest in moving. But when I saw this house, I went into action. A month and three days after seeing the ad, I moved in.

It feels like magic to me, my being here. As I said, I had absolutely no intent to move when I saw this house. I’d always looked at real estate and I’d daydream. FND made me take action. I could not support the noise and life downtown. I was living a miserable existence, When I saw the house, it was a way out of all the triggers of the city. It was an intuitive move, and I love myself for making that decision. I live in a fucking park.

When I did my monologue at the library, I could not show my video. I had to introduce my work. It was painful, but everyone was attentive, bless them all. I was really struggling to speak. No surprise there. And then I did my monologue. Then when they asked me questions, I was, of course, struggling again. I could genuine respect/affection on their faces—every one of them. After I answered their questions, they gave me another round of applause. There were about eight of them. We were in the lunchroom of the library.

That experience is why I don’t care about the Victoria festival. I got as big as a thrill as I want in the library, with my people, my fellow Gabriolans.

I wrote words I’m still proud of, and I memorized and recited them. I’ve said many times: for me, it’s the process, not the outcome. Doing a project like the monologue or the dresses take hundreds of hours or work to get to the outcome. The outcome a blip.

I searched my memories for the greatest excitements of my life. It was funny to think back of things and feel absolutely flat emotionally as I recall things that I know impressed me, but those impressions fade. It’s so disappointing. I remember spontaneously bursting into tears when I got my first glimpse, through the surrounding wall, of the Tal Mahal. Was it exciting? It doesn’t seem exciting to me. Emotional, definitely; but the emotion was awe.

Finding my birth mother? Scary, not exciting. 

Exciting experiences were these: opening night of a play I co-authored and produced (that later went on a national tour); winning a scholarship (for an essay I’d written) to study and work for a year in France; and going on safari for 15 days in Tanzania.

I thought of these things because I wanted to see if I would feel joy remembering them, but no. It’s very nice to remember them, but I don’t have an emotional bang.

But when I remember painful past experiences, I still feel my sadness and pain very strongly. I consider this a design flaw our species lives with. We are bilateral creatures. We need balance. This design flaw must be fixed. Who’s with me? 

No comments: