friday
Friday was a lovely gentle day. I did everything slowly and I felt absolutely great all day. We walked with our friends at 9:30, and Regina had brownies for us as a treat. Afterwards, I went into the village for some groceries and then I came home to read first, and then have lunch. After lunch, I had a really wonderful spa because the day was cold but bright. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. And then I had a nap. Yes!!
Late in the afternoon, I baked some shortbread. For my recent dinner party, I made tourtière to honour my French-Canadian heritage of which I am so, so proud. Well, my birth father was a Scot, so the shortbread was an apt choice for me yesterday. I put 2 tablespoons of nonpareils in the dough, so the cookies look nice and festive. I was practicing for when David comes, when I’ll make some more.
The evening was a challenge. BroadwayHD works wonderfully on my computer, but it’s shite on my TV. I’m going to try to get it working on the TV today because I don’t want to sit at my computer to watch things in the evening, and there are so many things I want to see on the service—like the Brokeback Mountain opera.
saturday
Most of the morning was spent reading, after walking Her Highness in the rain. Very early in the afternoon, I lay down for a nap, and when I woke up, there was snow on the ground. It was snowing quite heavily, so I put fresh wood on the fire and celebrated the fact that I could stay home all day and night and hope all the snow would be gone by morning.
It was windy too, and that made me worry a little about David’s visit. I hope Paula and David make it on the 18th. Our float plane is easily grounded, and they could be delayed a day in coming. That would really disappoint me.
Later in the afternoon: rain. I was happy to see it. I’m not ready for the ice that comes when the snow compacts on the deck and stairs. I hope the mildness of late returns for David’s visit. Usually, it is warm when there are clouds. My fingers are crossed for today and for the next two weeks.
I didn’t speak all day, except some single words to Sheba and the twins. It was, therefore, a wonderfully peaceful and gentle day. I kept a good fire going and for the first time in many months, I chose not to walk in the rain in the afternoon. Sheba toured Pinecone Park, instead. I like to believe that days like today allow me to bank serenity for days when I’m obliged to talk.
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I’m doing my homework for my next meeting with Dr. Shoja. It’s been wonderful going back, and I think I really like the drug I’m on. Ever since I started, I sleep an hour or more every day. That alone, is a benefit, assuming I bank more energy for the day. I won’t know if the drug will lesson my muscle pain when I talk, until I have some conversations.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a thought entered my mind. I was thinking about how marijuana is legal and comes in capsules now. I was addicted to smoking if for a long, long time. And I worried about getting caught with it. I had some very close calls. But now it’s legal and pills allow me to have some sometimes, without the anxiety of lung damage. And I’m without ambition or sexual desire, I am free of everything.
There’s far, far greater acceptance of the LGBTQ community. And when I thought of that, it got me thinking of the shame I felt about being gay. That was a burden, but I’m free of that now. And because I was thinking about being ashamed, I remember being very ashamed of being adopted. That was a heavy burden because my mother often clarified that I was adopted when someone called me her son. That really hurt, and it hurts me still to write it here.
But last night I freed myself of that burden. I realized that being adopted wasn’t the problem, it was more likely the indifference of my ‘parents’ that bothered me—I could feel their distance. And then, when I realized I was gay, it felt like I was on the other side of the line; I felt double demoted.
However, by transferring the disappointment to the Tyrells, I am free of shame of being adopted. And that means every box on my Achieve Nirvana card, is ticked. I am free of all my demons. Being angry at the Tyrells? I’ve never wanted to do that. I just wanted to walk away and maintain polite relations.
And my state of mental Nirvana exists in the silence I had today. When I don’t talk, I don’t hear my speech, I don’t use the muscles I tense when I do speak, and I rarely have seizures. I’d like to have three such days each week. Plus, it’s in a log home on a big piece of land, and with a magnificent dog and two feline majesties.
•
I was cleaning up in the kitchen and I heard, on the TV, that Adam Driver was hosting SNL. I ran to watch his monologue because I like the guy, but he was not talking, he was screaming, like hosts on game shows. And everyone on TV, because everyone is so exaggerated. But I couldn’t take his screaming, I turned down the sound and fled the living room. Screaming really triggers anxiety in me. I can’t take it at all.
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I’m on page 523 of a 900-page book. It’s a successful page-turner that I’ve read before. It’s like reading a book I’ve never read. It’s wonderful to read a big thick book. As with a series, you are with the same character for solong, and I love that.
sunday
Today will be another slow day. Hooray! But I Zoom at 10:00 for two hours with my BC stuttering group. I always enjoy Zooming with them, but it means a lot of talking, often, and I’ll see if my neck and shoulders are less rigid due to the new drug I am taking. My fingers are crossed.
All the snow is gone, so I am one happy dude. Off we go, walking….
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| Emma Thompson: What a talented and wonderful actor! |
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