Mundane Me

Time provides perspective.

I’ve seen a lot of doctors since my big event in April 2016 and not one of them called what happened to me a “nervous breakdown” but that’s what happened. I understand that now. And my “seizures” are anxiety attacks but doctor Shoja has never called them that in spite of me asking her what they were.

It seems her policy is to let her patients discover and label things on their own. She doesn’t lead or use labeling vocabulary, but I am certain the interruptions I experience in my day-to-day life are anxiety attacks.

It all seems so simple, plain and mundane to me now. I’m a common variety fuck-up.

Kelsey’s notes to her boyfriend (three posts ago) opened my eyes to how common anxiety disorders are — how, as I say, “mundane” my condition is. One in thirteen people! 

Still … it turned my life upside down. I went into it in a tiny downtown condo and came out of it in a log cabin on an island.

I often describe images or tell stories to answer Dr. Shoja’s questions. (She loves my disconnected co-pilot metaphor to describe my life with C-PTSD.) I have a new one for her that occurred to me last night. I was searching for a way to describe my current experience/relationship with my emotions and I came up with this: When I was a kid, I “pulled the plug on my motherboard.” 

I suddenly had a mental image of a speaker cord with its protruding metal prong that you shove into a hole on the speaker. When you insert it, you hear a satisfying “snap” is it engages. 

It occurred to me that, as a child, I found the cable that connected interpersonal emotions to my mind — the motherboard — and I pulled it out, fed up with the endless pain and disappointments, and I lived my whole life disconnected until my breakdown. No wonder I’m single. No wonder Steve left. I had no idea what love or trust was.

I feel connected now and it’s overwhelming. Hence, the anxiety attacks. But on the plus side, I’m re-thinking myself — reconsidering the significant incidents of my life “through the lens” of my new understanding and shedding shame I’ve carried for decades. 

My breakdown was very challenging to endure, particularly at its onset; acceptance, understanding and adaptation is an ongoing exercise. But I’m glad it happened. I’m glad the cord is back in its socket.

•

Last night was loud and disruptive in Pinecone Park & Spa. The cats were racing around the house and knocking things over. I closed my bedroom door so Her Highness and I were left alone in peace. I woke to it at 1:00 am.

At 4:25 it was still going on so I got up and discovered a bat flying around in the house. I’ve no idea how it got in. I never leave a door or window open that isn’t screened. 

I don’t know what to do. Consultations are in order later in the day.

•

Dinner Saturday night was a huge success. Sue and Fran loved all I made and we had lots of laughs. They were here earlier in the week when Fred and Ethel ran up my huge tapestry and pulled it down, wreaking havoc on the things displayed below. They loved my complete indifference to the incident.

Sunday I lit a fire for a treat. I like a lovely cozy lazy day with Sheba tuckered out from our community dog walk in the morning. And I had a surprise in the afternoon! Jude called from the lineup for the Gabriola ferry. She came for a fun but short visit; all it involved really was lunch at The Kitchenbut she’ resolved to return with her man in July. (She was the Adoption Reunion agent who reunited me with my birth mother.)

I went to bed exhausted at 8:00. The sun was sill shining but I was pooped and today is a workday. Vanessa comes to haul away my construction detritus so I’m spending the day hauling it from behind the shed out into the courtyard.

Tonight I’ll be going to bed early again, I’m sure.

They Speak!

Rural Me!

They’re having a lot of fun in Kansas City!

In summer, starting the day with a walk through the woods fills me with joy and brings consciousness of wonder. The annual ferns are as high as an elephant’s eye but there’s no Curly here to sweep me off my feet. However, it was market day today and that is as close as a community picnic as we get here.

I got an envelope marked, “Rural Property Tax Notice Enclosed.” I loved seeing that I am officially a rural resident of BC. My taxes for my half-acre total twelve hundred bucks.

This morning’s Farmers’ Market was a delight. I met Sue and Fran there and, of course, bought marshmallow from a master candy chef. I also met a lovely woman who has a sheep farm and sells lovely radiantly coloured yarn. I’ve decided to buy some and to have her weave me some caps. I also got a strawberry galette to serve the girls who are coming for dinner.

Working in the yard in the afternoon I noticed that one of my Apple trees has tiny apples on it. I cannot believe I am growing apples. I’m absolutely thrilled. And … I finished my “spa sign” on the shed:

Kelsey

Kelsey is an actor and she has an anxiety disorder like mine. Her boyfriend wanted to know what to do when she has an attack; my friends have asked the same thing and I never know what to say. All that she told her boyfriend does not apply to me (I have no sense of fear), but reading her notes for him (below) reallyaffected me for the better.

The “I am not alone” feeling feels so good! After I read her notes, I felt the weight lift again and I could speak.

Anxiety disorders are a pandemic. According to the World Health Organization, anxiety disorder is the most common mental disorder; as many as 1 in 13 people globally suffers from it. I see symptoms in friends who are mildly affected. We live in a hostile world. 

If you're affected like me, click on the image to
enlarge it. It's worth reading!

Speech Relief

Friday was lovely. I did nothing, drunk on the freedom of choice when I’m unencumbered by guests. I had two lovely island experiences.

I’m no longer required to produce ID at the post office because everyone knows me by name. And when I called my doctor’s office to ask about my blood test requisition, the clerk said, “What’s your name?”  And when I spelled out my last name, she said, “Oh … Chris.”

In the afternoon, a miracle! It’s very hard to describe feelings but late yesterday I suddenly felt “light.” That’s the best way I can think of to describe the feeling. My stutter can feel like a weight on my chest and yesterday I suddenly became aware that the constant sense of weight I live with was gone.

I tried speaking out loud here, at home, where I was alone — circumstances that usually mean I cannot speak at all but I was fluent. It was like I was cured. I’m afraid it’s because I’m alone again. I’m very sad to conclude that there’s a correlation between poor speech and anxiety attacks with guests — no matter how much I love them.

Sadly, this morning I’m back to dysfluency but at least I can expect more breaks from my prison of mute weight in the future.

I live for visits with friends … and my pets and this island life. I love every meter of bumpy road, every quirky resident and every little roadside fruit/vegetable stand. I love the summer ice cream booth, the lush green blanket of the forest floor, the fawns and wild turkeys and the sound of roosters in the morning.

Today is Farmers’ Market day. Yay! And the sun is out so I may be able to add my new parts to my spa sign. If I do, I’ll post a photo later.

Barely Rain

The birds are back — not scores of them as in winter — but sufficient to keep me entertained. Most of them are Woodpeckers or Flickers but there are also lots of Hummingbirds and butterflies — and still no insects.

The four super-light chairs I ordered have arrived. I got them so guests and I can use them for picnics in the trail meadows. I have a great picnic kit, too, so now I just wait for guests and opportunity. When Paula comes for the summer, I’m sure she’ll be up for picnics.

So have my “surprises” with which I will finish my Spa sign. (I don’t want to explain what they are until I can mount them and take a photo.)

Thursday I slept in and then enjoyed a spectacular visit to Sandwell Parkwith Her Highness. Another dog was there that lovedto run with Sheba. After that: I did some errands, had a spa and then went to The Surfto meet Patsy, Sue and Fran for dinner.

I’m still absolutely awed by how sweet my life is here. 

It’s cloudy today; it even rained, but barely, and I was not at all unhappy. The air smelt sweet and wet and I felt cozy as can be inside Pinecone Park. I went to Dog Play, chilled and did errands. I achieved significant things: I restored my Photoshop program somehow. It has also, somehow, had its “type engine” corrupted. And I’ve got my blood testing arranged for at the local lab (finally).

And now I’m settling in for a comfy night with my pets.