No Visitors

Thursday dawned beautifully. I was out bright and early raking and weed whacking in the front yard before joining my STAMMA group online at 10:30. And as soon as that call was finished, Anna-Mae arrived for lunch at Pinecone Park.

My visit with Anna-May has me praying I get no invitations. I want as little to do with people as possible until my speech gets better again. I had six seizures yesterday. When I forced myself to speak with Anna-May, I was veery tightly tensed up from the waist up, and my arms and neck were spasming all over the place. The only thing I wasn’t doing was dribbling.

I know this will pass; I just wish it would hurry up and pass. It’s been years since my speech became as bad as it is now. I have a Zoom call scheduled for today that will last roughly a minute. I just want to say hello and let her see why we can’t talk.

As I am right now, I prefer solitude.

Why have I suddenly gotten worse? I have absolutely no fucking idea. There is no explanation for variance in my symptoms. The doctors studying FND cannot provide answers to most questions about FND. It’s an untreatable condition. I’m neither sad nor angry, but I feel disconnected, and I don’t like how my abysmal speech interferes with my relationships. My friends stay true, but I can’t really converse with them. I just listen and make uh-huh noises and little laugh, but I love seeing them online.

The thing that’s hard to manage is fear. Fear, on the short term, of having to answer the phone, or talk to a clerk. And on the long term, that I won’t get better.

I’m going to try the monologue with David if I can. If I can’t do the monologue, I need to tell Heldor. 

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I have new neighbours. We had a very warm meeting—the double handed handshake. It was sincerely happiness we shared. They are Colleen and Jorge, and they have a Doodle dog puppy. I am happy for me, for them and for Merrill and Leo.

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Friday was wet and so I lit the fire before heading out for a long walk in mild rain with Her Highness. Then it was home to read by the fire and to do little else. My plan is to rest thoroughly during these three wet days, in hopes of restoring my voice. 

The rain is welcome. We hadn’t had any for quite a while, and I enjoy lighting a low fire and reading. Yesterday passed pleasantly. I spoke to no one at all, and I hope that helps me recover. I’ll see no one today either; I have no plans to speak to anyone. I don’t need to speak until the 10^th, when I’m meeting with my gay friends to discuss the Halloween party — and, potentially, a summer party.

When we walked, I enjoyed the sweet fragrance I remember from damp Spring days of my youth. It’s funny, I hated rainy days during Summer holidays, but I remember them fondly for some reason. On rainy days, we’d be indoors, enclosed and forced to talk more and interact more. Perhaps that’s why they feel so warm to me now. Everything is to vitally green at this time of year, and the gentle rain adds to the lushness of my view. 

But I can hardly wait for more good weather and more work in Pinecone Park.

Another Day in the Yard

Tuesday was as delightful as Monday. I was out at 8:00 am pruning the herbs in my edible garden and clearing the beds of the inch of Fir needles on their surface. Then I weed whacked a large section of the backyard lawn. (I’m awaiting a call from Doug Robertson saying that my lawn mower is ready for pickup.) It was lovely and warm, and there was lots of sunshine, but the thin clouds kept me and the air from getting too warm.

Work, rest, drink: That was is my mantra as I continue to rescue Pinecone Park from the cover of branches, twigs, cones and needles—all acidic detritus that must be removed. I’m really thrilled with the results, too. There’s not that much more to do. In no time, I’ll be switching to chopping and stacking wood on all my outdoor days. When the wood is done, the rest of the season will be less demanding. The big chore will be watering soon.

I reckon that fatigue is cumulative—at least it is for a couch potato in transition. Yesterday, I took a break every hour for a delicious cold drink and a short rest. The results of my work are so rewarding to my soul, that returning to work is easy after each break. But just past 2:30 I was done. I stopped for the day very satisfied with all I accomplished from the day’s work.

I’m back at it today, but at noon, Anna-Mae is coming for lunch. She’ll give me an excuse for a nice long mid-day break. I hope I’ll want to do more work after we eat, but if not, I’m under no pressure to finish all the yard work quickly. Besides all the wood to chop, I have a lot of scraping to do on the deck. The pain is peeling worse than ever and I’m glad. I can’t believe that someone painted treated wood with paint. It won’t adhere and so my deck looks quite crappy. However, if I take a wire brush to it and scrape with a palette knife where necessary, it looks much better.

Easily the nicest parts of the day were having my soak in the spa, and in the evening, wandering through the backyard admiring my work — rough as it is, cutting lawn with a weed whacker. 

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My speech is extremely bad right now. I could barely speak with Bruce yesterday on FaceTime, and he is one of my closest friends. Something’s amiss. All I can do is ride it out. 

A Perfect Day!

Tuesday was a perfect day for yard work. At 10:00 am it was an ideal 16°. I love that temperature for workdays because I don’t get soaked in sweat — manly as that may be.

Frustrated by the horrid sight of my lawns, I cut the lawn of my edible garden and large sections of the backyard with the weed whacker—my former lawns are more weed fields than lawns. I think I’ll scatter some wildflower seeds on one section of lawn that has never worked. But I will wait to see what occurs naturally now that the backyard is getting so much more sunlight after the felling of 8 trees in my yard and in David and Ursula’s yard.

I am obliged to take breaks, and I am careful to take in electrolytes. Progress is slow, too slow for me, but it is constant. I keep thinking about hiring someone, but I doubt I’ll do it. I like working in the garden and I am proud to be doing all the work myself. I’m really looking forward to doing a lot of planting this year. I want to plant a lot of ground cover in the gardens and fill holes with larger plants. 

I return to work refreshed after each break. There are weeks of work to do on the gardens and lawns, and then I have all the wood to split and stack that Joe left for me. With all the physical labour and the care that I’m taking on how much I eat, I am sure to be trimmer and fitter by Summer’s end. 

I quit working at 3:00. It got too hot to work (25°) and I was getting a mild sunburn, besides it was spa time. I was pooped but I was also very pleased with the progress that I’ve made on restoring order to Pinecone Park. I’m going to buy a lot of plants. I’m spending my tax return. My two most important gardens—one beside the courtyard; the other the largest garden in the showplace position—are thin and need more plantings. 

I love maximizing the garden. I have given up on the lawns; I just mow whatever grows and pull the weeds that have needles. If it’s green, that’s good enough. The grass did not grow back in the former Wasteland. Right now, it’s abloom with mushrooms. It is going to stay naked. It’s where I’d have a duck pen, were I to get ducks. But I decided against more pets and more work.

I forgot how wonderful gardening is. I love having something to do every day, and I love being active and off the couch and out of the reading chair. The next two days are going to be fine; I’m going to get a lot done.

The best part of yesterday was having a radio outside. I was listening to the CBC and the day was devoted to Gordon Lightfoot. It was wonderful hearing all his songs, tributes and exerpts of his interviews. What a guy!

Then there were the photos all over the Internet of the Met Gala. Just what I needed, exposure to scores of images of The Insipids.

Sick; More Light; Victoria Party

Sunday was great. We walked a long morning walk together, Her Highness and I, and then I did yard work until I went to Steve and Dan’s for dinner. It was a great day. I went to bed at 10:00, awoke as 4:00 feeling nauseous, went back to fitful sleep until 8:00 when I was sick to my stomach a couple of times. I felt better after being sick and slept until 10:00.

I forced myself out to walk Sheba and then hit the couch to watch TV and recover. I felt quite poorly and had little appetite, but through the day, I felt myself getting better. By evening, I was feeling back to normal. My guess about the cause of the problem is that a medication I take at night got stuck in my esophagus and did not make it into my stomach before going to bed.

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Next door, at Dave and Ursula’s, some arborists felled a bunch of trees. I was thrilled to see what they were doing because my edible garden will get much more sunlight now. What a wonderful improvement Dave and Ursula have brought to Pinecone Park! 

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Today, and the ensuing three days, are predicted to be ideal for doing yard work. I am going to get a lot done in the yard and I’m chuffed about that. I think I’ll be going to the local nursery today for some ground covering plants to add to my gardens. Yippee!

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RIP Gordon Lightfoot. What a guy, what a life, what a great musical legacy. 

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The insipids are back: The MET Gala and its people. What a clusterfuck.

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Heldor has written to me. I’m doing my monologue on Friday June 2^nd in Victoria for a group of seniors who meet every Friday for modestly informative or entertaining stimulation. 

My dear friends John and Bunny, like Dianne and I, are going to be in Victoria on June 2/3 because we all decided separately to go to the big island anyway, after the festival was postponed, so we’ll gather there for a dinner together. Hooray!