Fatigue!

Fred and Ethel must have clocks inside them because every morning at 5:00 sharp, they come into my bedroom to get me up. Every single morning without fail! So, this morning I began washing all the dishes from last night. What a job it is, and after a very busy day yesterday. Plus, I had a ton of laundry to do, so I did that while I dried all the dishes.

My guests ate everything. I was stunned. With the leftover chocolate, when I made the eclairs, I poured it into a heart-shaped molds, and I put the hearts on the plate with all the eclairs. My guests ate every single éclair and heart. I’m glad; I didn’t want to eat a lot of sweets.

Just as I was finishing up the clean-up, the phone rang. It was Stacy, and we arranged to meet to walk out dogs. I was thrilled to have company on our walk. I am absolutely smitten with Stacy. I love her company. We really enjoy each other’s company.

When I came home, I fed the pets, had lunch and lay down for a long nap, and when I woke up, I was a zombie with a sore hip. I had zero energy. Nada. I watched TV, which normally is, for me, a cardinal sin. I did a short afternoon walk with Her Highness, and then we spent the evening horizontally. 

This morning. I walked with Stacy again and as I drove home the sky cleared and the sun came out. Oh, how uplifting it is to be in sunshine! Plus, I had a very slow, gentle day ahead of me, and my hip wasn’t hurting. Today will be another recovery day, but I’m alive today. Tomorrow: Fitness. Yikes!

Party Time

Friday dawned clear and bright. It was an absolutely gorgeous morning; rain had been forecast for the entire week. The sunshine gave me energy, but I chose not to go to fitness at 9:30. I had a bit of a sore back and lots to do during the day, and I wanted to be in decent form for my guests, so instead of fitness, I went walking with my fellow dog walkers.

But before the walk, I did dusting and vacuuming throughout the place, I measured out all the ingredients I’d need to make the choux paste, and I drew guide lines onto parchment to guide me as I piped the pastry out for baking. I was set to go the moment I got back from the walk.

By the time I got out the door to meet my friends, it had clouded over. Sigh. But we had a great walk together. However, I could hardly wait to get to making the choux paste. It’s been years since I used my notes and recipes from my baking course so many years ago. I just hoped it would work and rise properly when I made it. I was not looking forward to tempering the chocolate. I had to use an untested thermometer to assess the temperature of the chocolate.

When chocolate hardens, it can harden into a solid 8 different ways. The fat molecules of chocolate can solidify in eight different shapes as it cools. It all depends on the temperature of the chocolate when it is left to cool. Tempered chocolate         is bright and shiny, and it will not develop a (white, fuzzy) bloom in storage, but it is hard to do well without a thermometer that has true calibration.

I was dubious at first. I thought I’d made them too small, but in the end, I was delighted with their size and the tempering of the chocolate. The eclairs turned out nice and shiny, and chuck full of crème pâtissière. I think they’ll go over well with my guests.

Once all my baking was done (2:00 pm), I moved onto tidying and cleaning before heading off to play fetch at Rollo Park with Shebie. I loved being in the sunshine, and fetch is her favourite thing on earth to do, so we both came home satisfied with our afternoon romp. She headed for our bed, and I kept myself busy with chores in advance of the arrival of ‘the boys’ at 5:30.

By 4:00 I was ready for bed. What a hell of a lot of work entertaining is when one is single. So, I had a nap knowing Sheba would bark when anyone arrived, and that’s exactly what happened. We had a great night, as always; we are very compatible people, and I am very comfortable being a listener. But I did tell a couple of short stories so that I felt part of the evening. I couldn’t wish for better friends.

When I finally lay my head down for the night, I could not get to sleep. Eventually, of course, I did sleep, but today will be all about the couch and reading. I’ve another dinner to host here next weekend, so today I start re-charging my batteries.

Spring is Coming

 We walked and then I got down to work. First I made my Thai shrimp sauce and egg fried rice on which to serve it. I also prepped all the finicky vegetables that will be fried up briefly in my wok with a sauce I made of garlic, pepper, bean paste, lime juice and oyster and fish sauce. So, the main is all Thai. I also prepped all the ingredients for a Thai mango salad.

Then came the fun part. I made crème pâtissière. Yum! How I love baking! I also love making choux paste and seeing how it rises so beautifully in the oven. I’ll be making eclairs and filling them with crème pâtissière and then coating the top of each eclair with chocolate.

We had a lovely surprise in the early afternoon: periods of sunshine. Her Highness and I got into the car and went into the village for more supplies and then a session of fetch in Rollo Park. It felt wonderful to get outside and in sunshine, and to know how well prepared I am for today’s meal. (I always find entertaining rather stressful.)

By the end of the day, I was rather beat. I was looking forward to a restful evening as I wound up my chores at 4:30. Today will be another busy day, but the party with Eoin, François and Jay will be a wonderful way to end it. Poor Jay is now on oxygen. He has a little personal pump. And in just over a week, his house goes up for sale. I am so sad for Jay. He is the finest of men. I just love him. So, it grieves me to hear of all his plans as they are all based on declining capacity.

First thing today, though: fitness for an hour and a half.

Here are some photos taken yesterday afternoon. We have another month of Winter coming, and yet:

I don't know what this plant is, but I have lots of them.
And this one has begun blooming already.

Croci

Snowdrops

My broken fence. Strom damage from the Fall.

Garlic.

Hydrangea.

Azaleas.

Hellebore.

Clematis.

Lily.

Daffodils.

The Holdovers!!!!!

Wednesday was a wet day. Our morning dog walking group fell apart due to the rain, and so Her Highness and I walked together alone, and then we went into the village to shop for supplies for Friday night’s dinner. No mint. Fuck. Nester’s was chock full of supplies, but their herb selection was dismal. Sigh. 

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Last night, I watched The Holdovers. It’s my kind of movie. It’s a feel-good movie, and I loved every second of it. The three leads are feats of casting and acting, and it’s a masterpiece of writing and directing, in my biased opinion. I’m sure, from the outside, I appeared comatose, I was so engrossed with the movie. Oh, for more of such films.

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I continue to think about why the word “neglect” has had  such an emotional impact on me. I grew up pissed that my parents were so distant; I wanted the family experience, and that desire stayed with me all my life. The word “neglect” is a descriptor of my experience that puts the focus on me and not my parents. And as I thought about my experience, armed with all that Dr. Shoja has told me about neglect, all I felt was sorrow for my young self. Sometimes, identifying with sorrow is therapeutic, and it was for me. I was sad to think of not just me, but neglected children everywhere. 

My 52-year friendship with Frani ended when she exploded with anger and aggressive criticism when I explained my diagnosis to her—at her request. One thing that hurt, amongst the many vicious things she said. was: ‘You brought this on yourself.” That word, “neglect,” and all that I have learned about its impact on a child makes me confident that I didn’t. She is wrong, and she won’t hear otherwise. For two years, I actively missed her; now, I’m pissed at her. Missed her, pissed her.

The best thing about this new word to describe my experience and all the understanding that has flowed from it, is that it allows me to die more at peace. I’m a child of the sixties and seventies, I’m all peace and love, man, and we believed that understanding of self was our primary purpose. Check.

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Today, I’m going to try to revive the baking skills I learned so very long ago in baking school. I’m going to make choux paste as bake it in eclairs shape, so today I will make the pastry cream that will fill them. Tomorrow, I’ll bake the eclairs, fill them, and coat the top with chocolate.

I’ll also make the Thai shrimp sauce that I’ll be serving tomorrow night, and I’ll do some tidying because tomorrow I have a lot to do for the dinner, plus I am going to fitness in the morning. Then, with the party at night, I’ll be having a very busy day.