Ramblings

Wednesday began under cloudy skies. There are two dire words in our weather forecast: “atmospheric river.” Sigh. The rain will be good for all the plants where I have spread fertilizer, but it may also mean that I don’t see Grayson for a while, and that’s fine by me. It’s more fun for me when he works on a nice day, and I can go out and chat with him.

We walked, and we even walked the Ricki Ave. trail that begins with one massively long climb. We walked very, very slowly, and I was thrilled to do the entire walk without any gasping or heavy breathing. That means I will return to walking with my group all three times each week. I am so glad to have done this walk.

Then I dropped Sheba off at home and went into the village to have coffee with Nancy and to ask for her help in mailing my letter to Patricia Hearst. By the time I got home, Grayson had arrived, and it was lunch time, after which we all (except Grayson) chilled by the fire on a day that was not inviting to experience outdoors.

I have a completely empty calendar from now until April 17^th, but I’m back as a full member of the dog walking group, and Grayson will be back for at least three more days sometime soon, so I will have plenty of company. And speaking of the future, all I see is rain, but next week, as well as the rain, we’re expecting temperatures of 18°! 

Sheba is completely herself again, and I am thrilled to have my best friend back. I’m also feeling very good about my session with Dr. Shoja. I am gobsmacked by all that I have learned about myself, human beings in general, and our emotions. I was smart to stop entertaining here. I find dinners are the greatest challenge. I love going out with friends because the visit is shorter, and that’s ideal for me. I do love good people, and I love visiting with them, but ideally, I’d like a two-hour maximum to visits. 

That said, however, I love it very much when Dianne or Paula, and any of my long-time trusted friends come to visit. We are wonderfully comfortable together and we all are fine with low-key days. I take naps, and I often have a seizure or develop extreme difficulties with speech, but it’s worth it to have a long visit with these people who are family to me.

Dr. S. and I had a very interesting conversation about the timing of my breakdown. I’d asked her why it came so late in life. I laid out my theory and she complimented me on my insight (I think). Of course, I always wonder if she is really agreeing with me because she shares that belief, or she agrees because her role is to support sensible decisions.

When I recently was visiting my memories, as I do more and more, I pondered will power. My way of coping with life with the Tyrells was to learn how to be practical on my own. And that’s what I did all my working life. When I got my BA, I wasn’t naïve about its lack of value, so I took a one-year post-grad program that got me a two-year teaching license (at the high school I attended as a student). 

As soon as my contact ended, I was gone. And thereafter earned a living with no plan and only utilizing a minimal education. I earned my way into the theatre community and life just happened, but no job lasted too long. With what I know now about how I feel about people due to my childhood experiences, I understand why. 

What drove me was earning a living. I was the only person in my entire circle of friends who did not get financial assistance to enter the real estate market from a family member. I wanted the life my peers had, and I had chosen a low-paying profession because in that profession, I found family. 

Finally, at age 57, after quitting a job I hated, I retired. But I had things to do. Top of the list was travelling, and I had a great time. I year in India (spread over three visits). Nine months in Africa (two trips). Then I wrote a textbook, and that led to six months of speeches in too many places. And finally, for the pleasure of something interesting to do, I started teaching at Emily Carr University for their Continuing Studies program. And then I was done. I can’t remember why I chose to stop teaching, but I did. And not long after that, I had my breakdown.

My theory is that from start to finish, my life has been about surviving. I never. Had ambition to be anything other than to keep going, and going forward, going up, and I think I did a good job because I was always happy and never wanted for more than I had. And then, when I’d done all, I wanted to do, IT happened.

I was forty when, in the bath, I suddenly was flooded with memories that made me realize for the first time, how alone I’d been all my life and that something might be wrong. Five years later, my voice became a constant problem. I’d have long spells that sounded like I had laryngitis, and they would sometimes last for weeks and weeks. My breakdown was 24 years after my voice started acting up.

I once made a list of all the orphans I could think of—and find via Google—who were orphans. Fables, literature, cartoons and movies are flooded with them. Being an orphan is a great way to start a story that has a happy ending. My movie did not have a happy ending, but at least I didn’t die or get any one of those awful disabling diseases, instead, I came to the paradise of Pinecone Park.

And get this: When I went to the orphanage I’d been at when I was age 25, I was shown to a desk where I waited until a woman came in and introduced herself and then she said something like this: Look at you, God’s love has made your adoption such a success! Everyone wants a happy ending.

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Today is sunny but cold. I can hardly wait for the warm temperatures coming, unfortunately with rain, later in the week. We’ll enjoy lovely walks today and spend the rest of the day gently doing nothing but being happy.