Serious Progress

It felt very, very good to be finally dealing with the lawns in the backyard. Poor Pinecone Park has been looking rough because I’m still picking up forest fall from Winter. The lawns/weed fields, being unclipped, make the yard look like no one cares. Once I finish with the lawns, I can start planting the many, many plants and bulbs I’ve purchased this year.

There was dog poop everywhere, and I removed wheelbarrows full of cones, twigs and branches. It was unending back-bending work, but the results are gratifying. The yard is starting to look better; it looks like someone cares. But man-oh-man, half an acre feels big. And why do weeds grow so well in shade, whereas grass doesn’t?

At noon, it started raining, so I put my tools away and came inside, only to be overwhelmed by all that needed doing inside the house. The cats had destroyed a cardboard box and there were bits of chewed cardboard everywhere. I had laundry to do, the litterbox to clean, vacuuming to do and there were dishes to be washed. So, I just kept going, knowing that when I finished, Sheba and I would go for a nice forest walk together and then I’d be free to collapse into my comfy chair by the fire with Louise.

I finished my errands at 1:30, had a brief rest (and a piece of a Nanaimo bar) and then we went forest walking together. And miracle of miracles, the sun returned just as we began walking. Our walk was truly lovely.

Today is my favourite day of the week, and it’s dawned beautifully (but it may not last). Her Highness and I will go on the big community dog walk at 10:00; what I do for the rest of the day is up in the air. I will do more yard work (I’ve been out edging already this morning), and I may do some reading. It doesn’t matter what I do because it’s my day, it’s Sunday, and I can do anything that I want to do. It’s ‘no guilt’ day. 

A Tart for David

After our morning walk yesterday morning with our friends, Her Highness and I came home—her to sleep, me to bake a lemon tart (above), and then to read. It clouded over in the afternoon and the day became just another too cool, too damp day for Spring. We’ve been cursed this year with a cool, wet Spring. Sigh.

I took the tart to David’s in the evening, where I had dinner. He’s a new acquaintance; I met him on the big Sunday dog walk. He walks with Larry, his Chihuahua, who’s adorable. It was a lovely evening of, largely, listening.

Today has dawned clear and bright. I’ll walk with Her Highness and then get to work on mowing the lawns/weeds. It’s likely to cloud over again later today. So I will mow while the sun shines.

May 15^th, I meet the clinic board and other new committee members.

Reconciled

Wednesday night, I had a long talk with C&F’s daughter. C&F belittled me and my condition one evening about two months ago. They said things that were ignorant and very hurtful.

When puberty hit, my voice, speech and, perhaps and mannerisms attracted judgement; for many, my major descriptors were ‘sissy’ or ‘fey.’ And now, my symptoms have brought judgement like that back into my life. 

My ex, has often said something like this: “Even if some people think it’s fake, that you just want attention, all the people that matter accept you, even if that’s true.” And oh, how that hurt me. And last summer, in the hospital after I had a seizure, my internist asked me what I’d been doing. I told him I had a neuro-genic (non-epileptic) seizure, and he said: “Show me how you do that.” 

And then there was, what I call, the C&F incident. F ridiculed my faith in my psychiatrist, told me if I would just change my attitude and stop feeling sorry for myself for my upbringing, that I’d be fine. “It’s all in yoiur head. It’s not a real disease,” she said.

I can’t believe there are people who think that my condition is a choice that I make. That is seriously fucked up thinking. People thought the same thing about being gay. These judgmental and uninformed comments, burn in my soul. 

I never felt bad about FND. When it kicked in, it took six months to get a diagnosis, and that diagnosis changed to FND three years later because my symptoms weren’t getting better. My emotions had me searching for language to explain my behavior to friends. That came from Dr. Shohja.

My symptoms have never caused me to have emotional pain like the ignorant statements of judgers have.

C&F and I have 52 years of making some of my favourite memories. Their daughter loves me like a daughter might. She gave me such a hug once! I visit my memory of that hug regularly, especially when we video chat. So, on Wednesday night, when the daughter, and her husband called me on Facetime, everything came pouring out of me. 

I’d been afraid to call them. I wanted to steer clear of the whole family.  But there was Todd on my screen when I answered the call. We chit-chatted for, like, a minute and then my version of the incident burst out.

We talked for over an hour. We talked about the incident and about a big changes in their lives that they’re considering. They gave me their hearts. They complketely accepted my version of the story even though they’d heard a very different version from F. I hung up, closed my eyes and thought about that hug so long ago.

And I think I may write a short information piece to C&F. Explaining my hurt and asking that we not talk about my condition again. I’ll tell them that I will love them forever and I’ll add links to websites about FND.

And then, we’ll carry on.

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Today has dawned bright and clear. Finally! But it ain’t gunna last!

I bake a lemon tart to take to David’s tonight. He’s making us dinner at his place—a place I’ve never visited, and I’ve only briefly socialized with David once before at Dan’s place. A new adventure.

Nanaimo in the Morning

Wednesday was dull and damp, but there was no rain. Still, I spent the day indoors reading and putzing around the house. That’s it. Another day like many, many other days of late.

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Woo hoo. Our local sea plane service now goes to downtown Vancouver instead of to Richmond. That means no long Canada Line ride or expensive taxi ride into the city and back for the return trip.  

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And more good news: It’s official, two locums have joined the clinic and so I have another year of life with a GP. And the clinic has another year to find permanent replacement doctors. 

Also, concerning the clinic, I have not been invited to be a board member. I’ve been invited to become a committee member and I’m not very happy about it. I’ll wait to see how things go, but committee members are often basically slaves, helping a single board member do what is discussed and planned in board meetings. And I don’t want to execute the ideas and strategies of another. I’m keener to be on the board where development policies are made.

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I went to Nanaimo this morning to get some cheap, but pretty, trees and shrubs, and to go to the hospital for pulmonary tests. It was a wet day and it felt very, very good to get home and back to nice dry heat.

My appointment for swallowing diagnostics has been moved to May 11. I go back to Nanaimo again on Monday, for a tune up of my pacemaker.