Endless Sunshine

friday

Friday was beautiful and sunny, so our morning walk at Windecker trail was lovely, but I arrived home too tired to move. Luckily, I had a dental appointment for a cleaning, and so I was happy to go and recline on their chair and to close my eyes. When I got home, I fed the pets and lay down for a nap that was more like a sleep.

The remainder of the day was slow. I was a zombie until around 4:00, when I felt alive again. When I walk with our group, I am done for the day. The same thing happened when I went to Nanaimo for lunch with Bev. The rest of the day was a write-off. God, I hope these tests reveal a problem and that it is fixable.

If there is a problem, it will mean that I’ve had 3 heart attacks, 2 pacemaker failures, and whatever this is. That’s a total of six cardiac interventions. I still cannot believe that! I feel grateful for being alive and for all the help I’ve received.

Her Highness and I went for our afternoon walk. It was short. And then, as usual, it was dinner and a movie. But I also think I’ve got Monday covered for Sheba. I’ll take her for a good walk Monday morning, and I’ll leave here at ten. Dona will come at 12:30 to walk her and feed her, and then shortly after that, Dianne will arrive. I expect to be back home early in the afternoon.

saturday

Saturday was brilliant, sunny and cold. We went for an early walk and then I took Her Highness to the beauty parlour for a grooming. I love it when she is shampooed and trimmed. She smells sweet and it’s wonderful to hug a squeaky clean pupper.

In the early afternoon, when it is warmest and bright, we walked the Elder Cedar trail. I had four naps yesterday, two of them long ones. And then I sleep quickly and deeply all night. I can’t believe it because prior to my breakdown, I lived on four hours sleep a night.

After seven months of living with a mystery ailment that robs me of my energy, things are about to come to a head. The coming month will see this story reach, not its resolution, because the story will go on if no problem is revealed in the tests, but a major plot moment. I can hardly wait for news of the test results.

I’ve not entertained anyone here since early August. On that last time, I had the worst seizure I’ve had since the intense first year post breakdown. I’m looking forward to feeling up to the challenge again if they find a heart or arterial problem and can fix it.

Last time I saw Dr. Shoja, I was talking about my living patterns at her request. I decided to tell her that I was pretty much always at home and that I’d stopped entertaining and accepting invitations to any gatherings except with my south island friends (Steve, Kris and Nancy), and my gay posse (François, Eoin and Jay), but I chose to begin by saying, that I wasn’t agoraphobic, and I explained why I was sure that I wasn’t. And then I explained my pattern.

When I was done, she asked me, “Why did you start off by talking about agoraphobia?”

I replied, “Because I’m not afraid of what’s out there, I’d just rather not go out there except when I must to get groceries or see a doctor.”

“And where did you get your information about agoraphobia?”

“Excellent question! I did no research at all.”

I was glad she asked that question. I felt like a fool, and I told her so. And I apologized. She thinks I am agoraphobic. I told her that I’m not taking it to heart, that the last thing I need is another label. Then she qualified what she had said. She said, she would more than likely diagnose a homebound person who had no need to be homebound, agoraphobic. In my case, though, she believes that spending time at home is good for me because I am calm here. For me, she said, staying at home is logical and therapeutic, so she would not diagnose me as agoraphobic. However, I behave similarly to an agoraphobic person. 

Hair split! Works for me.

sunday

It continues to be endlessly sunny, bright and cold. Today I shall be focused on preparing for my day in Nanaimo tomorrow, and tidying, cleaning and cooking for Di’s visit. Her Highness and I will have a lovely afternoon walk in the sunshine later.

Trigger Alert!

Thursday was a day without obligations, so I was free to clean and tidy in advance of Dianne’s arrival on Monday. Plus, I got a chance to plan our meals for when she is here. I feel calmer now that Sheba is recovered and with all the information I got from Thomas, the vet. 

First thing in the morning, I started on errands, then I needed a short nap before heading into the forest with Her Highness. Thursday was overcast, but there was no rain and it’s still cold. This morning, the sky is bright and there’s lots of blue sky and sunshine is predicted for the coming week!

In the afternoon, the sky cleared and so Her Highness and I went to the Elder Cedar grove to walk the trail. It was lovely, of course, and particularly seeing Sheba so happy to be back to long walks and walking comfortably on all four feet.

Last night I watched a movie about a teacher and the plot took a dark turn and at once point the film shows what is on a student’s computer. Suddenly they were playing the horrific video of people who had jumped off the World Trade Towers when they were struck in 9/11. I immediately closed my eyes, but I had seen it and so I had one Hell of a seizure.

Today is a real beauty of a day. Our walks will be lovely, but slow.

Sheba Recovered; ❤️ Shoja

tuesday

I can’t say enough about how good Dr. Shoja is for me. I am so lucky that our medical system gives me access to her…free…forever. My fellow FNDers in the UK get little to no help with their condition. Many get speech therapy but with only limited success. I met online Dr. S. yesterday morning, but I couldn’t speak for the first six minutes. I tried and tried, but all it did was make head bob, my arms and hands jerk and twitch, so we switched to me chatting in text. Eventually, I was able to speak with her. We used chat until I could speak.

And at the end of every meeting, she says how she wishes we could have more time, but we can continue at our next session, and she gives me a date and time. I’ve taken breaks in the past, sometimes for quite a long time, but it is clear to me that she thinks I should stay in touch with her, so I very willingly shall.

I get very emotional when it is time to say goodbye. I am so profoundly indebted to her for the support she provides to me. I am so, so grateful for that. However, when I referred someone with FND to her, she wanted to explain to me why she couldn’t take my friend on. Her explanation made me realize that the severity of my condition, plus the fact that I live alone and have no family support, earned my status with her. I’m extremely lucky that St. Paul’s transferred me to VGH, Dr. s’s hospital.

Sheba is doing very well. We walked with no sock yesterday, and it went very well. We will walk with our friends this morning, and then we go to see the vet.

My gazillion avian friends are mostly gone because a Peregrine Falcon has become a very familiar sight here at Pinecone Park. It’s been here for four days and so all my little winged friends are gone. Pinecone. Park is empty of birdsong. 

•

I wrote the letter below toa website that publishes work by people with disabilities. I’m not certain at all that they will be interested. Their call for entry reads as rather academic to me. But it’d be great to do something rewarding and fun.

wednesday

Wednesday was really a great day! It began with a trail walk with our friends and Judith is back with a new hip. She stopped walking with us a year ago, so it is positively wonderful to have her back. She is a great woman whom I like very much.

And then we went to Thomas the vet, and he was wonderful. Next time part of one of her pads disappears, I will take her in to see Thomas, and he will take a swab for analysis. Doing so, he thinks, will confirm an autoimmune disorder, and if it is confirmed, a very small dose of prednisone will manage the problem. She’s had problems with her feet her entire adult life, so it would be miraculous to be able to end this nasty disabling issue of hers.

The other problem she has is leaking urine. It’s a common problem in big bitches who have been spayed. But there’s a pharmaceutical fix, and we’re on it, and it’s a very gentle drug. And finally, her wheezing/coughing: it’s normal, her habits fit the pattern that is normal for many dogs, and not a medical problem at all. So, I came away very happy and grateful for Thomas.

Sheba’s in good form now. She’s no longer wearing a sock, and neither is she licking her foot. And on Saturday, just before Dianne arrives, she goes for her grooming, and she’ll be beautiful for Di’s visit. We’re both very happy that she is better. You should see her, full of energy and eager to play.

I’m so sad for her that I am so weak and possessed of a painful shoulder. I can neither sustain long walks nor throw the ball with my right arm. Some of my left-handed throwing goes mighty wrong, but I’m pretty good now. I just want to wait to be sure her foot is fully recovered before we chase balls.

Life is back to normal.

•

My very favourite piece of writing is Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. It absolutely stupefied me when I read it. Every word is perfect. So, when I heard that The National Library in London was putting on a display about the GA, I booked a ticket to London. 

The exhibition was extraordinary. From the entrance, you follow the development of the GA chronologically. The first artifact you see, as I recall, is a letter, and a phrase or even a sentence, was underlined with red thread. And there was a cord that numbered the artifact, and here I’m recalling artifact #1. And then it would give you a sentence number, telling you the position of the underlined words in the GA. The exhibition thrilled me because I felt rewarded for idolizing the GA. Here, splendidly, was a gorgeous display of artifacts that showed how much work went into his speech. He built his speech with tested materials.

I was thinking about that exhibition and my love of the speech because his presidency was the apex of enlightened leadership for me (knowing nothing about him or his work), I’m a sucker for literacy. It was similar with Obama in the speech he delivered that drew national attention to him for the first time. The way they write and speak makes us confident that these fellows also have a very sophisticated and powerful minds.

But now….

Endless Idleness

Monday passed uneventfully, just has just about every day of my life of my recent forever. It still amazes me how easily I pass through endless days of emptiness. I once was a person who sought out company regularly, and I was a person who was constantly creating with crafts or words, but no more.

Yesterday I called Jess and Todd. I hadn’t spoken to them for ages, largely because of the horrid incident with their parents and life-long friends that had them shame and abandon me because of my failed mental health. I’m very happy that I called because they are wonderful people, and Jess was a pretend daughter to me.

And Sheba had a good day yesterday. She left her sock on all day and was on her feet much of the day. Today will be her last day of wearing the sock, I reckon, and we’ll walk our normal walks today. It’s a relief to see her full personality back, but she’s sill wheezing periodically. I see Thomas, the vet, tomorrow.

It's still wonderfully sunny every day, and it’s predicted to remain this way for yet another week (except for Thursday). It’s cold now, but beautiful and so far, there is no snow in the forecast. I’m ripping through wood to keep the house warm. Even Sheba has become a fire hugger in the mornings. All three pets gather around the fire in the early mornings now.

I see Dr Shoja today. I’m terribly thankful for Covid’s effect on hospital policies. Prior to Covid, it was considered unethical for Dr. Shoja to consult with patients online, but no more. And only six more sleeps until I get my echocardiogram. Then I wait just eight days for two days of MIBI testing, and then I wait again, hoping to hear from Dr. Chen for my results.

January has passed incredibly quickly. In no time at all it will be February, the shortest month of the year, and then comes March and Spring. It thrills me to see Winter passing so reasonably. It hasn’t been terribly cold, and we’ve had no snow so far. I love Springtime. It fills me with joy.

This is hair ice. It is extruded from branches and 
twigs when the temperature is below freezing. I
see it everywhere as we walk our trails. We saw
this bit yesterday.

Ice pillars and red sprites are two of my favourite
forms of natural wonder. These pillars were
photographed in Alaska this past week.