|Look at that dress!! It makes me salivate with desire|
to make more of my own.
|And check out these satyr leggings. I desperately want to write|
things that let me build things like this dress or these leggings.
Four days in and I am on the edge; I desperately need a writing project to engage me. But whatever I do, it will be with no deadline and no commitment to any producer (including me). I am going to write for myself, for my own pleasure, and wait to see if something can be done with it once it is finished.
This has never been possible for me in the past. I found it impossible to consider doing any “speculative” work; I have always needed the certainty of publishing or production to motivate me—but not any more.
In a way, I could say I have never done anything terribly well. I never sought excellence; I was satisfied with capacity. I simply wanted to be able to do things, not excel at them. But now, I believe, it may be time to try to do something well. It is time to try harder.
I found it hard/sad to accept that my motivation in doing many of the things that I have done in my life was to get attention. I no longer want to do things for attention.
The next thing I do will be for me.