Emptiness

Yesterday was the worst day since Steve left me in 1994.

Last night I needed a pill to fall asleep. All I could do was cry. Same thing this morning until Paula got up. Leon used to be at my side every night at bedtime and every morning. I fell asleep and woke with him every single day.

When I forget, I’m fine. When I remember, I despair. Snap. And I’m a wreck. You think each successive pet is your best, but Leon took sociability to a deeply profound and moving level. Euthanizing him was the right thing to do; the vet knew it, I knew it. Still….

Friday day began with me signing transfer papers for my condo. Then I stopped at the nursery and I have two Vine Maples, two Apple trees, three large outdoor planters, five Heather plants and fifty Narcissus bulbs to be delivered with the topsoil. And when I got back, Darrell already had some of the fence posts up!

Darrell is a real find. I love paying someone with such diligent and ethical standards. Soon panels were added to the posts and concrete was going into the postholes. It’s going up fast, my new fence.

I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about the fence. I need it for Sheba but I worried about losing the “wide open spaces” feeling I love about my place. And I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about having a fence made of the standard pre-fab fence panels you see everywhere. But I like it. It’s wood; that’s all that matters. I was giddy. I did not know what was coming.

At around eleven I wrote to the kennel to put off getting Sheba until Wednesday. I wanted to avoid bringing chaos into Leon’s tranquil last days.  Then Leon started crying in a way I knew was the end. From then on, everything was about him.

When I found some kitty litter on my seat when I came home, I absolutely lost it. It had fallen off his paws earlier in the afternoon — I saw a final note.  I wanted to wail but I’m not a wailer. I could barely even write this paragraph.

I caught the 6:30 ferry to Nanaimo to meet Paula at the Duke Point terminal. I found her easily and we raced back and caught a ferry at nine back here to Paradise.

Thank God Paula’s here this weekend — and Kelly’s coming for breakfast.

THANK YOU!! To my friends expressing their condolences. It honours my buddy without whom my sudden transition into having severe PTSD would have been a train wreck. His love has been my best therapy: Leon and Dr. S. My team.