Me and Stephen Hawking, We're Like That!

I now know that I have had C-PTSD most of my life. Symptoms emerged in my mid-forties; they were mild and sporadic. I became clinical on April 9^th of this year. I’ve been in therapy for six weeks but my symptoms are worse than ever.

I have seizures now — lots of them unless I stay home alone. I do not answer the phone because I cannot talk at all.

My friend Bruce is coming to escort me to my first speech therapy session tomorrow and to my psychiatrist on Wednesday. I have asked him to come into my sessions with me to speak for me as he has been witnessing the seizures. We are anticipating talking about my taking some kind of medication.

I am not sad about this — for the most part that’s true; I’ve had my moments. Thankfully, the body pain has gone. If I don’t talk, I don’t stutter. If I try to talk, it leads to a seizure. 

The seizures exhaust me. They are brutal to endure and I go to a very strange mental space. I become non-responsive and am prone to jerky physical movements.

Video Update; May 22

Joan Rivers, in response to the campaign, "It Gets Better," said: "No. It doesn't get better. You get better." I find that inspiring and that is why I love her still. She knows what it is to face a challenge, she's an inspiringly strong broad and she was funny!

Official, Knowledgable and Final Diagnosis

(I am talking about myself in this post because I want friends afar to have this answer that explains so much of the past several years.)

I went to Dr. Shoja, my psychiatrist, today and she had a surprise for me — a diagnosis. After twelve hours of consultation, she has sent a report to my GP diagnosing me with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD).

PTSD occurs in response to a single short-term or longer-term experience. Here's the opening sentence of Wiki's complex PTSD: page:

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), also known as developmental trauma disorder (DTD) or complex trauma,] is a proposed diagnostic term for a set of symptoms resulting from prolonged stress of a social and/or interpersonal nature, especially in the context of interpersonal dependence. Subjects displaying traits associated with C-PTSD include victims of chronic maltreatment by caregivers, as well as hostages, prisoners of war, concentration camp survivors, and survivors of some religious cults.

Walking home, it felt good to finally have an answer that I makes sense to me — especially one that comes from a trained professional. It's a huge relief to have an answer that people can grasp for those who ask what's wrong.

I am terribly pleased that the name for my disease places cause (blame) externally; I felt guilty about having what I thought was a breakdown. I felt weak and ashamed. But not with a C-PTSD diagnosis.  And I need an answer for people because my symptoms are overwhelming me. I am not exaggerating. Last night my symptoms were so severe I had to stop the clerks from calling 911.

Dr. Shoja also said, "It can get worse before it gets better." That, too, was a gift. I hear, first and foremost, "It gets better." It makes it easier to accept these paralyzing seizures that fill my day all the time I'm outside my home.

This is truly brutal my friends. But the fact that my condition has a name means that I am part of a community; there are enough people with my experience to cause psychiatry to name us and define us.

Captain Fantastic

Kitty Genovese: I Remember

A practice version of "Festival des Glaces."

I made a small ice cream dome of many flavours ( all made by me with organic fruit) domed so that I could practice the coating I want to use at an upcoming dinner. It’s white chocolate with ground pistachio on top and I am super happy with the result. I’ll probably pipe vanilla whipping cream around the base with tiny mint leaves and larger-sized crushed pistachios when I present it on the table—the real one, not this practice one.

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from this relationship?

Please select your reason for unsubscribing:

❏ This is temporary. I’ll be back!

❏ It’s not you; it’s me.

❏ I never signed up for this level of commitment.

❏ I met someone else.

If you chose ANY OF THESE, please explain in as many words as possible:

____________________________________________

____________________________________________

____________________________________________

____________________________________________

____________________________________________

____________________________________________.

Would you like to continue to receive calls and texts?

❏ Yes. We are both going to need some time to get closure.

❏ Only on my birthday/other major holidays.

❏ Not from you.

❏ Who is this? New phone.

What about our plans to go to Cabo?

            ❏ I’m sure as hell not going.

            ❏ You can still go, if you want to.

            ❏ I was drunk when we talked about that.

Was quitting smoking not good enough?

❏ No.

❏ It was only a start.

❏ It was never about the smoking, Alan.

Did you block me on Facebook or is there something wrong with my account?

❏ I blocked you.

Can I continue to use your Netflix log-in?

❏ No, that privilege has been revoked.

❏ Wait, I never said you could use my log-in.

❏ Fuck it. All right.

Where am I supposed to live?!

❏ Go back home and live with your parents.

❏ I’m sure you could crash on a buddy’s couch for a while.

❏ I don’t care.

What can we do in future to better improve our services?

❏ Spend some time alone and learn how to truly love yourself.

❏ Get a job.

❏ Just listen for goddam once.

❏ Nothing could really help.

Would you recommend our services to friends?

❏ I can’t say that I would.

❏ Why would you even ask that?

❏ Wait, are you talking about someone specific?

Would it upset you if I asked out Carol?

❏ No.

❏ CAROL?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

If you answered “No,” please fill in Carol’s phone number here:
(___)___-_____.

By Nick Bateman and Hallie Bateman; 

Published in the New Yoker May 17, 2016