Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from this relationship?

Please select your reason for unsubscribing:
 This is temporary. I’ll be back!
 It’s not you; it’s me.
 I never signed up for this level of commitment.
 I met someone else.

If you chose ANY OF THESE, please explain in as many words as possible:

Would you like to continue to receive calls and texts?
 Yes. We are both going to need some time to get closure.
 Only on my birthday/other major holidays.
 Not from you.
 Who is this? New phone.

What about our plans to go to Cabo?
            ❏ I’m sure as hell not going.
            ❏ You can still go, if you want to.
            ❏ I was drunk when we talked about that.

Was quitting smoking not good enough?
It was only a start.
It was never about the smoking, Alan.

Did you block me on Facebook or is there something wrong with my account?
I blocked you.

Can I continue to use your Netflix log-in?
No, that privilege has been revoked.
Wait, I never said you could use my log-in.
Fuck it. All right.

Where am I supposed to live?!
Go back home and live with your parents.
I’m sure you could crash on a buddy’s couch for a while.
I don’t care.

What can we do in future to better improve our services?
Spend some time alone and learn how to truly love yourself.
 Get a job.
 Just listen for goddam once.
 Nothing could really help.

Would you recommend our services to friends?
 I can’t say that I would.
 Why would you even ask that?
 Wait, are you talking about someone specific?

Would it upset you if I asked out Carol?

If you answered “No,” please fill in Carol’s phone number here:

Published in the New Yoker May 17, 2016

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