|I finally cut the cake to see the different ice-cream layers:|
Pistachio, Lemon, Orange, Raspberry and Blueberry.
You never say to yourself, growing up, "Geez. I hope I never have seizures." I did spend a lot of time worrying that I'd get cancer but I never worried about any of the zillion other diseases that might some day afflict me. Now, of course, I hope I never have them again.
I believe that I am done with them. I am going forward believing that under extreme stress they could return, but I think this inaugural three-week experience with them is over.
Little steps: Yesterday Frani called, Niki visited and Dwight and Laura came over in the evening. Each contact caused initial tension that eventually dissipated; with each one, I had to, at some point, just stop talking and concentrate on calming myself.
I keep saying that the landscape keeps changing. It's ironic, but the people I love most are the scariest to be with because they are not afraid to ask questions and to reference my past.
My stutter comes and goes. It seems clear to me that one day it will be gone. Que sera, sera. But I would not be sad to have it for the rest of my life as it exists now. It is very infrequent. It's more like having the hiccups than having a stutter.
But my stutter has become my war medal that I wear proudly. It's a symbol of my survival through the worst medical experience of my life. Experiencing the symptoms of C-PTSD is a far worse medical experience than either kidney stones or a heart attack.