Visiting Hell

I thought I was a goner last night.

I went to bed at around 11:00 and it felt good to get all cozy. I was tired. Then, after settling in to fall into the glorious escape of sleep, I felt a sudden change. It was like falling into a dark hole like Alice in The Looking Glass. My breathing became panting and, sure enough, I was into a seizure — but not just any seizure, by far the worst one I have ever had.

It lasted longer than any past seizure, too. After some time, I tried to stand and it seemed to suck me deeper into the hole. I felt doomed but then, after what felt like an eternity but was probably more like 15 or 20 minutes, I felt as dramatic and sudden a switch again. This time, for the better.

I desperately wanted to call 911but I couldn't; I couldn't talk. I was absolutely terrified.

This morning, I wondered: Was that the worst experience of my life? I decided, by far, it was. I'd always thought the worst was when I was mugged (technically kidnapped). For 22 minutes I was at the disposable of a maniac on withdrawal but through it all I never for a second thought I would die. All I feared was getting hurt more. Last night I was terrified that that I was going to die here alone.

It isn't the convulsions that make it so bad, it's the pain/pressure I feel. I once fainted every day for a full month when I lived in France. It turned out to be due to the penicillin I was taking. The feeling I gat when the seizures start  is like the feeling I have just before I go "out" when I faint.

There's no way I am going to the wedding party today. I am too afraid of another bad seizure like last night given the challenge of getting there alone plus the fact that there will be a zillion strangers jammed into a tiny house when I get there; the likelihood of a seizure is too high, especially given that last night was my second seizure in two days.

I thought they were over. Now I'm not sure when I will feel safe again. There is good news here though: I now know that there are levels of seizure — mild, strong and terrifying, but I can get through them. Last night was terrifying because it was a far stronger and longer-lasting seizure than any before.

I don't ever want to go through that again. It is particularly hard to take alone. This morning, I have been reading about a company called Nurse Next Door and if this continues, I may hire someone to be here when I go to bed. Going to bed has been a trigger since the seizures began and now it's a scary thing to do.

Just FUCK!

Whoa! Fabulous CGI Dancing.

Ice Cream Cake #2:

I’m in house arrest again; it was a shock and a disappointment to have a seizure yesterday. So I decided to work on another ice cream “cake.” This one was much easier to make than my first.

For one thing, it is three simple layers as you see in Neapolitan. But I have made mine with pistachio (green), orange and passion fruit (yellow) and I made them rich with flavour. Then I coated them with finely ground pistachios.

I have to work on the coatings. This was really hard to do, but I was not happy with the chocolate coating I used in #1 because it cracks when you cut the cake. It shatters and falls off the ice cream. I think if I keep practicing with powdered coatings, I will improve the look. it's the sides that are so difficult.

Step Back

Thursday has started off with a challenge. David called and suggested we meet for breakfast. I was really happy to have a "date" today with him and to have a chance to hear how things are with his family, so I embraced his invitation. But as we ordered I had a seizure. It was mild, but I had not had one for two weeks so I am bitterly disappointed.

Snap: I'm an Elastic Band

Tuesday broke in stunning fashion. Houseguest, David, left me early in the morning to go to Bowen Island for an overnight visit with his family so I spent the day alone.  

I had all my windows open; the smell of the morning air is uplifting. I love the morning. I awaken each day eagerly; I love the birdsong and absence of human noise and I love that so many early — and I mean, early — morning walkers proffer a warm Hello. I love the calmness of the ocean before the heat of the sun wakes the wind and I enjoy the crispness of the morning air knowing that soon it will be hot.

Today, though, the weather is changing; rain is coming and it’s okay.

I went to see Dr. Shoja today wondering, as I went, if I needed to continue seeing her. Although it makes me nervous to think of ending my appointments I feel so improved that I decided I would if she suggested it — but I’d want the right to contact her again should I feel the need.

I still stutter but I don’t care that I do. As long as I stutter and feel have episodic mild anxiety issues when I am alone and in public, I know I am not fully recovered. But I feel the acute nature of my condition is over. My symptoms now are a challenge for neither my friends nor me. I feel my “breakdown” is now in the past and the distance is giving me perspective.

I often express my feelings as images. For example: When Dr. Shoja asked how I felt when I lived with the Tyrells, I said I saw myself in the centre of people standing hand-in-hand in a huge circle around and far away from me — surrounded by people but unattached.

So now, looking back at my crisis I see an elastic band (at rest) that is slowly stretched far back and then suddenly and violently released to snap back to its natural state. To me, the long slow stretching of the band represents the increasing tension of the interpersonal interactions required by my career.

A couple of years ago I told friends I was stopping long-form writing and travelling and I quit teaching. I retreated from interacting with strangers and all responsibilities and reclaimed a childlike existence of endless play — mostly alone just like when I was a kid.

“We shall not cease from exploration / And the end of all our exploring / Will be to arrive where we started / And know the place for the first time.” — Part Five; T. S. Eliot’s Little Gidding. 

I am very glad I have Dr. Shoja. Our sessions are very stimulating and insightful; I leave wondering how I could ever have considered stopping my visits.

Proof: Meryl Streep can do Anything.

She performed as Trump Monday night at the 2016 Public Theater Gala at the Delacorte Theater in NYC. Check out the white makeup under her eyes and the stance!

And on Sunday, THE TONYS; I can hardly wait for Lin-Manuel Miranda night.

I Adore Nicholas McDonald

I’m madly in love with a sixteen-year-old boy. Relax; it’s not what you think.

I love watching young people on the talent shows on TV. I watch them on YouTube and that is where I discovered Nicholas McDonald (above). I just love him and his voice. Yes, it’s pop music, but he’s such a talented and charming young lad; I just melt watching him. His tone is fabulous. If you watch the video above, watch right to the end to hear him speak. His accent is part of his charm. 

On Friday, Bruce took me for a walk in the park. It was a beautiful night and we share a love of flowers. There were lots to see.

This Gunnera blossom is over a meter tall.

Hosta.

Gunnera.