Another Label

All day long yesterday, I kept thinking it was Saturday. I found dealing with Sam, the pharmacy and the clinic challenging, and once everything was done in advance of the application, it made me feel like the week was over and it was time for two days of chillin’. 

I was slow getting going yesterday, so our early morning walk was late. We did a short walk, the weather was uninspiring, and then I came home to clean and tidy so that Jess and Todd arrive to a nice shiny welcome. When I was finished, it was lunchtime, so I fed the brood and then got comfortable on the chaise and began reading my first Margaret Visser book.

I was very happy to have a day with no one here and no appointments to duties to perform. I could just do as I pleased all day; nothing beats that. And I continue to enjoy a wonderful feeling of contentment that my application is going in and the treatment plan is happening. I discovered my dreadful breathing problem on May 19^th, 2024. My first shot (if they are approved) may happen almost a year after I began my search for a diagnosis and care.

At one o’clock, H.H. and I went to Rollo Park to play fetch. What a mistake! I was devastated to find I just could not sustain any walking. My breathing was extremely laboured, just like all last year, so I quit, and we came back home. I’m glad I started back on prednisone. I hope I get stronger again like last time I went on it, and that today is a better. Stronger day.

It gently rained all day. The angels must be almost empty. But real rain is predicted for tonight and tomorrow. All fingers are crossed.

I feel very good even though I’ve had some rather hard-to-hear information from Sam about the state of my lungs and my prognosis. I don’t care how sick I am; what is, is. What makes me happy is to have care, to have treatment, to have Sam and Dr. Dorscheid just an email away. A year of fighting to get my diagnosis and treatment has been rewarded and that’s why I’m so happy. Plus, I’m pretty much on top of things around Pinecone Park, and I’m looking forward to hosting Jess and Todd.

From the Holy Fuck Department: This is a definition from Wikipedia:

“Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder characterized by symptoms of anxiety in situations where the person perceives their environment to be unsafe with no easy way to escape. These situations can include public transit, shopping centers, crowds and queues, or simply being outside their home on their own.”

Well, that’s a relief. I’m not Agoraphobic because I can go outside on my own. To be fair, I’d say that the definition pretty much describes me. But “anxiety” is a tricky word. People talk about it a lot. I never do, really. But they are talking about conscious anxiety. My anxiety is sub conscious; I rarely know why I’m having a seizure or why my speech is so bad sometimes and not at other times. 

“Safe” is a word that I use a lot. I know that’s what I want, and it’s why I want to stay at home as much as I can. And until I read this, I never understood a problem I had when I was dating. If guys asked me to their place, I’d ask them where they lived. If they lived in a tower, I wouldn’t go home with them. I never wanted to enter a place that had only one door. I feared being trapped. 

I know that Dr. S. thinks I’m agoraphobic. I don’t give a fuck anymore what label you throw at me. I got called vile names for being gay. My best friend invited me for dinner, and then she called to say her brother was coming to stay and would be there and so I couldn’t go because I was Catholic. Like Hell I was. And now I’ve got a gajillion awkward medical labels: C-PTSD, FND and agoraphobia. What a bonus, to have such words to add to my dating profile. (I’m kidding! Me? Dating? Never!)

Today’s another damp and dark day like yesterday. I shall be baking something for Jess and Todd’s visit tomorrow. I love baking so I’m looking forward to the day. I have a fire on; I am happy as can be!