Whereas I once enjoyed exploring the city, my walks are now pretty much exclusively on the seawall. It is an ideal walk—unimpeded, totally flat walk and a perfect length (13K door-todoor). Also, in the constant presence of the sea and forest, it serves as my church, provoking conversations with God and self-reflection equivalent to confession.
Following the closing of Trudeau, a walk had me realize that my motivation as a creator has been to get attention. The revelation hurt but it may mean that I have outgrown the need.
This weeks lesson also felt rather brutal: I have long known that I am judgmental and I am very comfortable with that because I believe that judgements (and their resultant conclusive generalizations) are a positive function of our intelligence. Judgement is a learning behaviour.
My judgements are instantaneous, positive and negative. I have had such strongly positive and quick judgements that I have been moved instantly to tears. I have had so many strongly negative instant judgements, I have developed the habit of looking down to avoid seeing the stimulants that provoke them. I hate the selfish people who give themselves permission to act outside or above the laws and social conventions, and I see tons of it on the seawall.
I flash hate some some people and when I did it to someone the other day I knew right away that I was projecting the hate from inside me. I knew it was the cancerous pain I have been carrying since the disintegration of my family. I am hopeful that this revelation means that my future may have me better able to suffer fools. Time will tell.
Socrates, who famously said that the unexamined life is not worth living, would be proud of me and I am proud of that.
No comments:
Post a Comment