Tuesday morning and still no word about Bruce from Ravenna; I’m desperate for news.
The mantra of my conscious mind is: “No news is good news;” anxiety hyjacks my subconscious. Instead of obsessing about him, however, I am going full bore on my project.
I’m in creator’s paradise. There’s an exciting opportunity on the table and a script open on my computer and when I tire of writing I get up, go into the kitchen and I work on dress number ten.
I’m currently carving “Mother” into it in a kind of cursive script this time, and I’m loving re-writing the script. I am hugely inspired by Rachel’s enthusiasm for my concept. For the first time in my life, I am confident.
When Leon wandered into my life I had a thought I’ve never forgotten because when I was young and miserable I identified with a beautiful white cat that our neighbours across the street, the Blanches, had. They never let him indoors and I ached for him.
Then they moved to California and they gifted me with their white cat, Aleck. He was my first experience with trust and love in a harsh lonely world, so when Aleck arrived I thought God was bookending my life with another feline blessing. It was scary and wonderful. I had a “this means my life is almost over” feeling.
And now I feel God is bookending my life again and sending me the same message in a wonderful perfect way because the Arts Club is where my life began — where my life took on meaning. I found my people and my career there. That’s why I’m so hopeful and planning to work so hard until June 19th when the script is due.
The other reason is, as I said: Confidence. I’ve never had it before. But I do now.
I knew my show was a good idea. But I didn’t know if others would. But Rachel, a dramaturge, called it “brilliant.” Swoon.
So dress work is for fun, intellectual relief and to get on my feet once in a while. Otherwise all that matters now are the words on the page.