Relapse

Tuesday afternoon ….

This past week has been horrid. My time with Beth has been fantastic and being with Crystal’s family and Chris and Frani was too, but here at home and on the street has been as bad as it was at the onset of my breakdown.

Lately, in mid-conversation, suddenly I stop and cannot go on. Then I start weaving around — not too badly and just above the waist — and my breathing becomes impaired and my arms will jerk. Plus I get staccato breathing.

It goes like this all day, whenever I change locations and I go out to see someone or someone comes to visit me. It exhausts me and embarrasses me. Bruce heard me explode: I just suddenly screamed like I was going to die because the phone rang. It exploded out of me and I couldn’t help it.

Once I thought my only problem was stuttering. Stuttering seems so minor now compared to the back pain and all the other symptoms.

I asked Dr. Shoja about increasing the Cipralex. She said not to. Instead she is going to send me to a hospital physical therapist; (s)he will treat my back and give me a compensatory exercise program. (She said massage was useless.)

Why have I relapsed? Our working theory is that the acceptance and understanding of my symptoms by my friends is triggering a fear in me that “this” is the new norm. The “new norm” is not acceptable; it comes with too much pain, loss of control and embarrassment.

Okay … It’s time to nap and then have some chocolate cake.