Calming Down

I had all day Saturday to myself so I went for a walk in the smokeless sunshine. I walked four and a half hours, slowly and in lanes and quiet streets. I happened unexpectedly on the Vancouver Mural Festival. There was a terrific atmosphere and there are a lot of murals. I took pictures of very few. As I walked I thought about moving.

It’s such a big step. I even asked Leon what he thought of moving to the country. I’ll give it lots and lots of thought over a long time; I’ll talk about it with Dr. Shoja and I’ll visit some places on the Island before I make any decisions. Dwight understands and is supportive; my very tentative idea involves regular visits to Vancouver. Over the next while I am going to develop an extensive “pro and con” document. In point form I’ll record all my considerations about the move and see what evolves.

The welcome clouds came in like the tide late in the afternoon so this morning dark clouds fill the sky. There were showers overnight; lawns and gardens will be in revival mode today and, to be honest, so am I. I feel less in need of escaping the city this morning.

My sense of despair about living in the city is, I realize, coinciding with a time when my speech is worse than ever. There’s been improvement in all my other symptoms but not at all with my speech. I think moving to one of the beautiful retreats I saw online the other day represents a chance to forget about speech.

Everywhere I go people are talking, yelling, singing and I feel isolated, separate — so different. And I’m sick of it. Perhaps I am in adjustment. Perhaps as I get used to it, it won’t feel so frustrating and disappointing.

It’s only a month till I start signing classes. I have a hunch that will make me feel better.