I had a great session with Dr. Shoja today. I’d put a lot of thought into an analysis of my issues and concluded with a bit of despair about not being “better.” She brought relief by saying, “Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better;” “it” being living with my symptoms. She also said she has no doubt that the severity of my anxiety will lesson over time — but it may take another year.
She is supportive and understanding of my idea of moving to a calmer quieter place — if I still want to in a year. My vision of a quieter life is not without people; it’s just one without the city, without noise in particular. I have good friends on the island to visit and Dwight I’ll be commuting to Dr. S. forever.
I enjoyed one of the nicest urban walks I’ve ever had yesterday. I took the Skytrain to Royal Oak, way out in east Burnaby and walked back west to Bruce’s hospital. The walk was spectacularly stimulating. The entire route was new to me and for a long while I was walking along the north bank of the Fraser River and there is almost no one in that part of the world.
Bruce was keen to walk and we had a very interesting conversation while we walked. He asked me to come back for more today so I’ll be going late in the afternoon. He’s going through a lot, the poor guy. He’s never been sick while I have known him; his questions during our conversation were complex. I was moved by out talk.
And we talked a lot. I’m completely fluent with him and other friends. I stutter occasionally but then once I’m alone again, I’m mute. It’s so fucking frustrating.
I think learning to sign will be good for me. It may be practical but more important than that is that it will be my new project.
Yesterday I searched the sign for “with” and was blown away by how the language uses the basic sign “with” to build other meanings: accompany, ahead, behind, follow, catch-up, chase, race/compete, subordinate, superior and go-steady. All these other words come from how you move your hands as you maintain the “with” sign.
In France for a while, I had a deaf boyfriend. He’d be terribly proud of me now.