Fear

Last night I went out to fetch some wood. I chose to select two robust but not big pieces and carried them into the house. No problem. And then WHAM! I was really struggling to breath. It got scary for me. I felt myself close to tears. I took a deep breath in and forced myself to breath through my nose. In out, in out, in out. It went on for a long time. I have learned my lesson.

I see three possible outcomes from my three cardiac tests:

1.    They find nothing to account for my condition in my heart.

2.    A coronary occlusion—a blockage of plaque in a coronary artery.

3.    A problem with a cardiac valve.

I’ll be very disappointed if no reason for my weakness is discovered. I have no idea whatsoever what to do if that happens. One option, obviously, is to live with it and carry on. But this incident last night makes me want to keep fighting to know because it is so incredibly debilitating. Like I need another chronic problem.

Occlusions are easy fixes. It’s done through the arterial system. It’s miraculous. The operation for fixing valves frightens the bejesus out of me.

I once lost use of my left arm. I had to manually move my left arm with my right one, and every time I took a step downstairs, my neck would throb with mind-numbing pain. The correction was spinal surgery, and I was afraid of that one as well. When he told me I needed surgery, I declined. But I came to my senses the next day, called him back, and had the surgery.

On the plus side, carrying those two pieces of wood in for the fire last night had me waking up in a warm house this morning, and that’s pretty wonderful when it is as cold outside as it is now. We’ve been having pathetic snow flurries this morning, and that suits me just fine. Walking in snow is exhausting, so if we get a real snowfall, walking Sheba will be brutal.

Now, as I go to post this, it is snowing much more seriously. Pooey. But I shall ignore the weather and concentrate on reading, eating and cooing with Fred, Ethel and Her Highness because today is My Day!

Lion's Mane mushroom. My neighbour sells
them in a roadside stand.