thursday
Thursday brought me a lot of pain from the moment I awoke. And with Sheba’s foot so sore, we did not walk in the morning. Instead, I slept right through the morning until noon, when I got up to feed everyone. Most of the rest of the afternoon was spent on the bed, as well. Dave said he’d be over to walk her in the afternoon, but he didn’t turn up, so I just let her roam the backyard.
I also did some reading in the afternoon, but it hurts to tilt my head to read, so that didn’t last long. Instead, I turned on the TV to give me something to do. I didn’t want to sleep all day and then not be able to sleep at night. And I took some Ibuprofen, and what relief that brought, so last night wasn’t as dreadfully painful as Wednesday evening was.
friday
What a grand fucking day!
Lorazepam took me to wonderland last night. Both times that I have taken it, I have awakened feeling much better, but after the first time, things got quickly worse again. Yesterday, my relief lasted all day. I spent the day without the neck brace. Thank God for this relief. It still hurts when I do some things, but it’s no longer dreadful searing pain, it’s mild.
I can’t move my head very well from side to side, not up and down, but I felt so good, I had a shower and that meant taking off my hoodie. I had been wearing the hoodie, day and night since Tuesday. It hurt me so very much to put it on, I decided not to take it off until I was in less pain. And wearing the hoodie under my brace felt better that going without it.
It felt so, so wonderfully good to be clean and to not have the brace. Ibuprofen is a wonderful drug for nerve pain. I don’t like taking analgesics unless I really feel the need. But last night it brought me wonderful relief.
Less pain is one reason it was a great, great day. Another reason was taking Sheba in for her biopsy. It was not a reason to celebrate for her. She hates me leaving her, she was anaesthetized and came home a very unhappy whimpering lady, so I spoiled her.
The biopsy may tell Thomas, her vet, why she does such damage to herself. We will know in two weeks when the results of the biopsy come back. She’s been plagued with sore feet all her adult life, so this is a major step toward helping her avoid future problems.
❤️ And finally, the last reason for celebration is my medical results. The MIBI test clearly reveals problems. I called Steve, my medical genius friend, and read him the results and he explained it all to me in lay language. I’ve had three heart attacks, and each one has left a scar of dead tissue streaking down my ventricles. I saw my MIBI scan in 1990 and saw the scars; then there were two.
Now there are three (my third heart attack was in 2021) and the third one has rendered my heart weaker and now my heart is unable to refill itself with blood after every heartbeat. Hence my weakness and being out of breath. I am extremely relieved that they found a cause. There is now documentation, therefore I will be believed.
When the hospital doctors and my specialists meet me for the first time, they prepare by looking at my charts. And guess what stands out? C-PTSD, FND and eight years of psychological care. That medical history gives these people license to make assumptions and to dismiss me and all I say. “It’s all in your head.” Remember, this internist looking after me told me repeatedly that my problem was my lungs.
Steve had a lot to say after he explained what was wrong. Were he my doctor, he said that he’d want an angiogram done to ensure that there are no blockages in the blood vessels feeding my heart, and if he found any, he’d want a stent implanted.
I was very, very grateful to Steve because he validated what I sensed in the MIBI results—the finding of my problem. After we talked, I got an email from him that made me cry. He is going to come to my follow-up appointment with Dr. Chen, and he will ask about the angiogram if Dr. Chen doesn’t propose having one done. How lucky am I, eh? To have a friend and advocate like Steve?
When my neck hit, it added intense pain to my burdens of weakness, and my speech/seizure issues. Pain is hard to endure, but when it’s added to other things like Sheba being in pain and having a nasty test, I felt too much was upsetting me. Another thing troubling me is that on Tuesday night, Sheba, in her sleep, suddenly started thrashing her legs and making the noises she makes when she is dreaming. For the first time ever, she really damaged my right arm. Her claws tore the skin off, and I had to wrap perforated wax paper around my arm (so that nothing would stick to the raw skin), and then a towel, to absorb the blood, and then a garbage bag so my sheets didn’t get soaked in blood.
I changed the dressing today for the first time. You should see my arm. There’s a large raw bloody patch maybe 4 inches square, and my whole arm is a big dark blue bruise. But I’m able to use a much smaller bandage now because it’s healing.
For a guy who wants stasis, a guy who is hyper-responsive to stress, all these things were taking me to my limit. The news of the find in the MIBI test, though, changed my mood for the better right away. And no more garbage bag noise when I sleep. Things are looking up, especially having Steve come with me to see Dr. Chen.
I wrote back to Steve to say I wanted to take him up on his offer, sat back, and then cried with relief and for the blessing of his friendship.
Eight months of weakness, waiting for today. And the news is good because now I know what is wrong.
saturday
Sheba is doing much better this morning. Yesterday was hard on her, she was whimpering all evening. She is taking her medicine and so many of my sources of stress are fading away.
It’s raining. Finally, it is warming up. There is nothing but rain in the forecast for the next week. I doubt we’ll have rain all the time, but it’s going to be dank as the snow melts and it stays darker with the heavy overcast skies.
My neck is still tender, but the searing pains are over. I'm stiff in the neck, and sleeping is rough, but with the pain gone, I am content. I'm sure, over time, my neck will heal, as will my arm.
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From the What the Fuck Department: Turdball Trump has withdrawn funding from schools with Covid 19 vaccination mandates. What a petty, petty and sick little man.
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