Sunday’s weather was dull until 15:30 when the sun came out. I walked Sheba very early in the morning because I had a Zoom call with John and Bunny at 9:30. We chatted for two hours! I couldn’t believe it; I hurried to feed the pets when I was done, and then Sheba and I went to Rollo Park to play fetch … probably for the very last time. Sheba is clearly having some kind of problem with weakness in her back leg or legs, so we will be just trail walking from now on.
I watched some telly during the day because it was My Day and I was recovering from six hours of chatting with Aidan, but when the sun came out I Sheba and I went for our afternoon walk. And then I had a spa. Oh, the joy of slipping into the warm water in the fresh air of a lovely Autumn afternoon. Then, as has happened before, Pete came over. He sat on a chair on the deck as I continued to soak in all my naked glory, and we had a very nice visit. I love the guy. He urged me to ‘pop by’ more often.
When I came inside, I became quite concerned about Sheba. She was not moving around much at all, and. She refused to get out of the car when we went for our late afternoon walk. I regret playing fetch even more now, but I made myself feel better by thinking that after a good night’s sleep she might feel better. If she seems off at all as we go through our day, we’ll go to the vet.
Last night I was thinking about visiting Steve, but not in LA. I was thinking of Palm Springs where we went so often as a couple. But it ain’t gunna happen. I started thinking about it because if Sheba is slowing down, I could probably comfortably leave her here with a live-in sitter. But I don’t want to go to the US, and when I think about flying, I realize it’s impossible for me to get into a plane. Going through customs, the noise in the plane, the proximity of strangers, the number of people, the behaviour of passengers: a plane ride is a festival of triggers for me. I’d be mute and seizing often. There’s no way.
Taking an Alaska cruise with someone is probably as exotic as I can do for myself. My birthday is in December, but I’m thinking of celebrating my eightieth birthday in July and doing something to be free of house arrest.
I am, and have been for a while, conscious of a something my emotional brain is doing. When Pete casually tosses off “pop by Chris, okay,” he makes me feel liked. And two or three things in the past two weeks have come into my consciousness that I am liked by someone. I can’t recall ever using things said by others to enable myself to believe that I am liked ever before. I’ve known all my life that I have poor self-esteem, so what is happening now, doesn’t surprise me. But it does feel good to feel welcome in my neighbourhood.
Nancy and Ron, Pete and Allie, Dave and Ursula, Lynn and Hugh, and Colleen, these neighbours all make me feel very welcome. More than that, they monitor me because they know that I ‘have issues.’ Coincidentally, there are 9 neighbourhood friends, and statistically in Canada, 1 in 10 people have a mental health diagnosis, so, I’m the number 10 of a statistically perfect Canadian cluster of friends. (In frequently, in this short-form medium, one must write a long sentence.)
I see Dr. Shoja tomorrow. I have my agenda. She is a tool for me, just like the GPS device in my car. Both my GPS and Dr. S. are extremely, extremely good for de-stressing. They are reverse gas stations; instead of uploading a toxin, I download my anxieties with their assistance. Oh, and so is Tezspire a stress reducer. It creates distance between statistics about my condition based on pre-biomedical intervention, and me.
I am clear that I want to keep seeing her, and I know that it is ethical and that she is open to me seeing her. She has often said I can see her for as long as I want. But after last month, I want to talk to her about staying with her. I was stoned on prednisone. I know stoned. I know what manic feels like, and that’s how I felt on prednisone. I’m definitely talking to the good doctor about that!
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The sky is cloudless and a beautiful deep blue this morning, and I am feeling very, very good because Sheba was walking normally this morning. I have learned my lesson: no more playing fetch. That’s a sad decision because she loves chasing the ball more than anything else, but it seems clear to me that she suffers if we play fetch.
We shall walk with our friends, and then we’ll go into the village to do some shopping and to visit the pharmacy. The rest of the day will be spent reading and doing some follow-up with Aidan.
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Last night under dark and stormy looking sky, I took these photos as the sun was going down. I’m rather amazed by the iPhone camera that took such bright photos takin in quite dark light.
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| Look at these colours: The light green of the Japonica (left), the dark, dark purple of the Japanese Maple close to the deck, the brilliant red of the Japanese Maple by the studio, and the yellow of the climbing Hydrangea on the trellis. |
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| Look at the abundance of blossoms on this Fuchsia at the end of October! |
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