Obsessing

When we got home from our morning walk, I was so incredibly tired that I could not do anything except go to bed. I slept for an hour and a half, and this was after a good long night’s sleep. When I woke up, it was lunchtime and so I fed the brood before heading out to water the backyard beds on a perfect day for watering. It was cloudy and so the evaporation rate was very low.

All I could think about was the call I’m having this morning with Abhi and Pharmacare. I visited the Asthma Canada website where there are lots of asthma stories, and some of the storytellers have eosinophilic asthma. Their stories include references to being on a biomed. It gave me hope to read about how many people have been successful at securing funding. 

I just want this to be over with. I’m sick of being sick. Illness had been a dominant theme in my life. I have often wondered if I got colostrum. I started taking long breaks from Dr. Shoja to feel free of connection to care. The last time I came back, she made it clear that she wants me to keep seeing her. I have no plans to take another break.

I obsess on whatever affects my equilibrium. When things break, go missing, or I get sick, when anything ‘goes wrong,’ I obsess on the irritants. I want my world to get back in balance. These irritants torture me, as does this process of trying to get Tezspire. I’m so irritated, even getting a No answer would bring relief. Any ending becomes welcome.

This asthma arc that I’m currently on will end on July 23^rd. By then, my care will be regularized, and order will be restored. I meet with Dr. Dorscheid on that date, and before I see him, I reckon breathing tests will happen. Or not, if the waiting list is long. Everything except this Tezspire challenge is nothing, only this process, about which, I know nothing, is hard to take.

I want to ask Abhi what his success rate is. I may, if I get the chance. But I won’t unless the insurance person has hung up. I think there may be another funding source—that’s think that’s what the Special Authority program is.

I did a walkabout last night. It was wonderful. There are, of course, things to do, but no one else would notice I don’t think. Visitors appreciate all they see, I see where work needs doing. But it is wonderful to have the garden to walk through. I really love doing it every night. But the weed fields need my attention again. I will weed whack for three days to get it all done.

Besides the call later this morning, I will Zoom with my UK group of adult stutterers, and then take Ethel to the vet.