Jay

(L to R) Jay, Eoin, François, me, Steve this past Summer.

The US supreme court has hinted, in their criticism of medical testimony at the hearing over gay conversion therapy, that they will rule to allow for the practice to resume in states where it has been banned. This on top of recently ruling against hormone therapy for transgender children. I shall never ever set foot in that vile nation again. What a fucking shit show that country has become.

Fueled by my anti-American rage, I cancelled my order for clover seed from Amazon and instead ordered it from a Canadian company called John Boy Farms. It felt very good to do that and so henceforth I shall try to buy as much as I can from Canadian firms. 

There were large lakes of blue sky as we set off on our cool (as in temperature) morning walk. I was happy to see sunshine alighting the treetops and I hoped the good weather would last through the day to bring light and heat to my germinating clover seeds. When we were finished our walk, we came home, and I needed to rest. I almost fainted at the end of our walk.

At 1:30 my soul died. My buddy Jay, my first and only friend here on Gabe when I moved here, died yesterday morning. His sister wrote to tell me. I have not felt such sorrow in decades. I decided to go to Eoin and François’ place to tell them, and then in the lovely bright sunshine of early afternoon, I decided to drive all the way to Drumbeg to go for a walk with Her Highness and walk off some sorrow. François and his two whippets joined us. It was a stunningly beautiful walk in the sunshine of the afternoon, and as I always do now, I sauntered. I have become an avid slow walker even though prednisone has improved my breathing dramatically. The slow pace was appropriate as I thought only of Jay.

When I came home, I got into the spa. Everything seems empty and pointless, to be honest. I keep thinking of Kelly, Jay’s sister. I met her long before I met Jay. She lived in Brewery Creek where Paula and I also lived. We all became fast friends. I was smitten with Kelly immediately upon meeting her. She is gorgeous, feminine, very sporty and she plumbs and welds. She has lost her one true soul mate. Their other sister is Shannon. She is straight, the eldest and was a very busy mother. Jay and Kelly were both born gay, so they developed a furious bond. I’ll be writing to her today to offer my help in any way she wants it.

After the spa, I turned off my computer and put my iPhone and Apple watch in my bathroom where I wouldn’t hear if an email arrived or if someone was calling. I know that today will be a better day, but last night was full of sadness. And food. I ate a big meal. I wanted some pleasure.

Neither François nor Eoin cried, neither did they hug me, not even when we parted. I’d hoped for a hug. I keep thinking about yesterday morning. While I was walking with my friends and our dogs in the forest trails, Jay was lying in the driveway beside his car.

Jay bought a new house so that he could live on one floor as his breathing got worse. He’s been busy with renovations, and that struck me as odd, given the rapidity of his decline. I don’t think he applied for MAID, as I would have done immediately. It was just so fast.

Last May, we were both wondering what was happening with our breathing. My problem turned out to be advanced eosinophilic asthma; his turned out to be idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis (IPF). His decline was astoundingly fast. The average life expectancy of patients diagnosed with IPF is five years from diagnosis. Jay was diagnosed in May of this year!

Jay, Eoin, François and I made plans to dine here on the 18^th. We’re going ahead with the dinner, but it’s going to be mighty fucking weird and sad. It breaks my heart that the four of us can never sup together again. Oh, how I miss you, my Jay.

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It’s pouring with rain this morning and it’s expected to last for three more days. The sky is leaking for Jay. He was the first thing in my mind this morning; I don’t feel less sad today. I feel thick and heavy, and the muscles on my face just hang without expression. I’m overwhelmed, I can’t think of anything else unless I watch TV, and I don’t like doing that during the day.

I tell myself: this is normal. The depth of my sorrow speaks to the strength of my love of the guy. I’ll play this out day-by-day. This ain’t about me.

I’m going to my local farm stand today to see what root vegetables they have. I’ll also check-out Nester’s and our Farmers’ Market on Saturday morning. I want to make a tian for our Thanksgiving meal. Di and Beverly are cooking the turkey and stuffing. I’m also making the cake.