Diary of a Madman: Post #2: Love's Divine

Each night, as I lift my legs into bed I welcome sleep. I drift off proud that I have gotten through another day. In sleep, all the tension of the day disappears. Then, in the morning, the reverse happens: I feel the unwelcome tension/anxiety that dominates my life pour into me. The tide comes in and goes out every day.

It’s inconceivable that I could sleep anywhere but here at home until I am much stronger. To experience the incoming tide anywhere else would be awful as it once was here. 

This week is my third post-breakdown week. I awaken now and feel like Chris.1 — "old" Chris, the Chris I used to be. But when someone comes to visit or I go out hyper-vigilant Chris.2 takes over. It’s a Jeckyll and Hyde existence.

I saw the delightful Mark Ruffalo on the Graham Norton show talking about playing “The Hulk.” I don’t know anything about The Hulk, but I believe he is a person who becomes The Hulk under certain circumstances — perhaps to combat crime in the same way that Bruce Wayne becomes Batman or in Clark Kent becomes Superman. These characters could easily be the creation of a broken mind like mine, living as I do as Chris.1 and Chris.2. The switch, by the way, is out of my hands.

The issue of  becoming a single Chris again — no .1 and .2 — was the big concern in my session yesterday with Dr. Shoja. She brought up my ability to speak with accents and my strong disinclination to use them. She suggested that I can speak in accents without a stutter because doing so enables me to “be another person.” Friends theorized the same thing; I accept it now.

But right now it's impossible to be just "Chris." I’m “broken.” That’s what I like to say. The perceivable symptom of my broken state is my stutter. The cause is too much abuse, and the work ahead involves processing it. When I am done, my stutter will be gone and I will be “integrated.”  I’ll be a “new” me, emotionally reconciled with my past.  

The trauma is complicated. For me, it’s a double-headed snake. One head is vicious and cruel. It is the physical abuser that snorts, roars and breathes fire. It's my father. The other is silent and still. It stares. It’ the one that doesn’t love. For me, it’s the scariest one.

In light of all I have written above you will understand why I was gob smacked last night when I heard Seal’s song Love’s Divine. Click on the video above to hear it while you read the lyrics below.

Then the rainstorm came, over me

And I felt my spirit break

I had lost all of my, belief you see

And realized my mistake

But time threw a prayer, to me

And all around me became still

I need love, love's divine

Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind

Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came sanctuary

And I felt my spirit fly

I had found all of my reality

I realize what it takes

'Cause I need love, love's divine

Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind

Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bend (don't bend), don't break (don't break)

Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake

'Cause love can help me know my name

Well I try to say there's nothing wrong

But inside I felt me lying all along

But the message here was plain to see

Believe me

'Cause I need love, love's divine

Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind

Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bend (don't bend), don't break (don't break)

Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake

'Cause love can help me know my name

Love can help me know my name.