Thursday, April 21, 2016

My Daily Insight

My breakdown was April 9th. A huge huge aspect of my recovery has been writing therapy to Dr. Shoja and here on this blog. Every single morning the words pour out of me; my mind, bursting with new insights. This is healing folks.  Here is today's insight:

Wiki explains a “mental breakdown” this way:
A mental breakdown is an acute, time-limited psychiatric disorder that manifests primarily as sever stress-induced depression (not me), anxiety (me!) or dissociation (me) in a previously functional individual, to the extent that they are no longer able to function on a day-to-day basis until the disorder is resolved. It is defined by its temporary nature, and often closely ties to psychological burnout (me!), severe overwork (not me), sleep deprivation (me!), and similar stressors that may combine to temporarily overwhelm an individual with otherwise sound mental functions. 
“Mental Breakdown” is not an “official” medical condition. The terms “nervous breakdown” and “mental breakdown” have not been formally defined through neither the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders nor the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems.

I wanted to know what is wrong with me and now I do.

I understand my breakdown this way: Childhood traumas caused me to disassociate with my emotions as a defense. The burden of that behavior exploded on April 9th and now I am raw. My emotions hit me in the extreme. Healing involves  getting to the point where I feel my emotions at “normal” levels.

I can be in a "normal" state now when I am with someone I trust. It's as simple as that. Alone, I am not yet able to control my emotions. And now I understand why I want the effects of marijuana when I am alone.

I get it. And I get it better and better every day.

And there’s one more thing!  “Childhood traumas” caused my breakdown. If you identify with that term in any way, I don’t want to hear about it unless it broke you. If you had a breakdown, I seriously want to listen to you. 

But a lot of people feel they had childhood trauma or parents who didn’t love them but the thing is, when you equate your experience to mine but you have not suffered a breakdown it offends me. “Abuse” is not a lack of attention. Plus, I cannot tell if your lack of parental attention is justified or merely the perceived deficiency of an overly needy personality.

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