Saturday, April 16, 2016

The Best Post I Have Ever Written (from my perspective)

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I feel like I just deciphered the Rosetta Stone. I have achieved an emotional understanding of what's wrong.

I always knew, I even told people,that  they (my parents) never touched me. They never said nice things or gave me praise. There was not a single kiss or hug. It wasn't his beatings; it wasn't her lies to get him to do it. It wasn't my first mother giving me up. And it wasn't because I was a sissy. 

After my last play I said to myself and told many friends: "I cannot believe how much I will do to get attention." And I didn't want to be creative to get attention so I stopped all my projects. I am glad I did. That is not the kind of attention I needed. What I need, is the attention of true friends who like who I am, not what I do. I get it. 

Here is what my friend Nicola wrote to me yesterday: "You don't have to go on any fucking safaris, or make beautiful macarons. Please realize how beautiful YOU are." Perhaps reading that is what led to this morning's (wonderful) revelation. She sees me.

I always wondered why it bothered me more that Dad did not come to my graduations than it did that he beat me.  But I get it. When he is beating you, you are there. Whereas not coming to my graduations,  that were so important to me, meant I didn't exist. I could not get their attention.

My road to recovery means spending as much time as possible with people "who see me." Further, I will have to avoid people who make me feel invisible. I can tell who you are instantly: Friend or foe or what percentage of each. The good thing about my current situation/illness is an ability to "see" clearly.

• • •

I am going to call you, "Reader." So, Reader, have you ever asked yourself if you believe in your friend, Mary? What about Dave? Have you ever wondered if you believe in Dave? Sally? Believe in her?

So why do people talk about believing "in" God? I don't. I think God is a preposterous idea. But I believe in all that is attributed to him — his values. So I believe God like I believe my friends. Ergo, God is my friend and during this crisis his friendship has meant everything to me. I always felt seen by Him. 

I loath churches and religions, but I love having a friend.

• • •
From The Who's rock opera, Tommy.

See me.
Feel me.
Touch me.
Heal me.

Tommy, can you hear me?
Tommy, can you hear me?
Tommy, can you hear me?
How can he be saved?

Mother you don’t answer my call
With even a nod or a twitch
But you gaze at your own reflection!
You don’t seem to see me
But I think you see yourself.

See me.
Feel me.
Touch me.
Heal me.

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