Friday, April 15, 2016

Thursday Night/ Friday Morning

Thursday night I took one of these new sleeping pills at 10:00. At 10:40 I could barely walk. I was exhausted and whacked from the pill. I brushed my teeth and got into bed and immediately—I mean immediately!—I had my worst anxiety attack yet.

What the fuck is it about my bed or going to sleep that totally "locks me up?"

That's what I call it—getting "locked up." I get so stressed, so suddenly, that I freeze; I cannot speak and can only barely breath. I could not stay in bed. I had to go to sleep on the couch. I did my calming breathing exercises and eventually felt better.

Today I went for a really nice walk with Beth and we had lunch together at Scieu, a favourite place.

Today I feel much calmer than yesterday, and thank God for that. Only yesterday did I come to understand my situation as "a breakdown." It's my word; no one medical has used the term with me, but it helps me to use a term I (think I) understand and is comprehensible to others.

Calling it a breakdown is very convenient. People understand, better, my anxiety, stutter/stammer and why it is best for me to stay home for now and only venture out when I feel well and safe. I feel having a name for my behaviour helps put people at ease. It also inspires them to gentleness.

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