Sunday was, of course, brilliantly sunny. God wants me to live with a hose in my hand. We began our day in the spa. I did errands until Steve awoke, then we got into the tub to soak and chat. Afterwards, he took the car and went exploring as he contemplated what to make for our friends for dinner on Wednesday. He went to suss out salmon but came home thinking we’d make quiche.
Once arrived, we headed out to Silva Bay and the Firetruck grill for lunch. We took Her Highness. There were lots of people, many booths of vendors, music and great, great food. We had a big lunch and then came home to nap.
After our nap, I watered everywhere and Steve harvested blueberries, then we had dinner and settled in to watch a movie. Then my world went mad. I had one of the scariest times I’ve ever had.
We were watching our movie, and something made me pause it. I reckon I was going to get a drink or go to the bathroom or something, but I went quickly into a seizure, and it was a killer. It was quite violent. There was endless jerking and twitching. It felt like ages but it might have been about four or five minutes.
Normally after a seizure, I recover as suddenly and I got into a seizure, but last night when the jerking stopped, I was immobile on the couch. My eyes were closed, and I couldn’t open them. I couldn’t speak either; I couldn’t move my lips or tongue. Within a short while, “I” felt trapped. I used those quotation marks because while I was lying there, the concept of what “I” means seemed vague.
It was like I was disowning my own body. “I” was my brain, and it/I felt trapped inside a lifeless body. As time passed, I feared for my future. What if I can’t get out of this? What if this is the end of independence and mobility for me? I was not moving, but I was terrified.
Time passed and eventually I was able to make sounds and then I tried to speak to Steve. I could open my mouth just slightly and I tried to talk with non-moving lips. I asked him if he could understand me and he said he could. I spent about twenty minutes like that.
I told Steve, with great difficulty, that I was certain that I was having some kind of neurological attack and that nothing like what was happening last night had ever happened to me before. I told him I wanted to wait a while to see if I recovered, but that I might want him to call the paramedics.
Three years ago, when I had a summer heart attack during the nasty heat dome, I became paralyzed for about an hour and a half. It freaked out the nurse and she pushed the code blue button. It was awful, and last night seemed similar, so we waited and eventually I felt myself again before we went to bed.
I see Dr. Shoja next week, so I’ll be talking a lot about last night. That was easily the worst seizure that I’ve ever had. It was also the longest lasting seizure I’ve ever had. And the scariest one ever.
I love Steve, but he is not an easy visitor. I feel he behaves like we are still lovers. He allows himself to be curt and rude to me like he was when we were together. He is also narcissistic; I feel like my needs are irrelevant. I have no doubt that he loves me too. He comes here every Summer and I’m very grateful for that but being together ain’t entirely easy. I can’t help but believe his visit has something to do with the terror of last night.
Now that I am recovered after a deep sleep last night, I feel that today we begin with a clean slate. I will tell him today that I need to take things easy. I’m worried about Wednesday night. Last Summer, during his visit and on the night when we had our friends over for dinner, I had a dreadful seizure. That’s why I stopped entertaining here. I hate how fucked up my mental health is.
We have no plans for today except to decide about what to make for dinner on Wednesday. I shall water plants, of course, and he will likely take the car to visit some beaches, but I shall stay home. I’m nervous now. I don’t want another experience like last night. I doubt I’ll have another attack but today will be easy and slow.
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