Cresta Roca Farm

Finally, a good day yesterday. Here are my reasons:

·      No watering.

·      Less pain in my foot.

·      I had a tiny breakfast and lunch, and a good dinner.

·      I called Dwight from my watch while walking in the 707 Park.

·      I went to a farm and visited with the animals.

·      We walked the Elder Cedar trail slowly and no one was there.

·      I watched an incredible movie.

I’m walking in nice soft running shoes and leaving the laces loose to lessen pressure on my lump. It seems to help. I had a good day.

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I had a very thoughtful amount of home-grown blueberries for breakfast because I was feeling hungry and I was done with all day fasting every day. For lunch I had a stick of peperoni, and I wasn’t hungry all day. And for the first time in my life, I am enjoying this process.

I follow medical blogs and YouTube channels and recently read a story on a university medical faculty blog that mentioned the pre-operative diet, so I searched it on their blog and found out what it was. It’s a diet that has many different forms. 

The pre-op diet was developed for patients requiring weight loss so that essential surgery can be performed. The concept is to first shrink the stomach by semi-fasting—one meal a day, and then you introduce modest portions appropriate to the form. The correct form of the diet is determined by the body size of the patient and the urgency of the surgery. I’m planning to do it until I’ve lost a modest amount of weight, but I’ve never enjoyed dieting before.

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I called Dwight. He didn’t answer, but I got his answering service. I was walking the trail I walk most often and immediately felt that the whole exercise of buying the hardware and hiring Dave the consultant was worth it. The alarm I’ve been using only works in my home. Now I feel safer out in the world. Not only that, its practicality is winning me over. I have all my medication stored in it, and soon I will program the fall alarm. I find it interesting to see my sleep analysis in the health app, and It’s a novelty to read my emails away from home. I must carry my phone with me all the time for the fall feature of the watch to work on the phone. 

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What I loved about going to Cresta Roca farm, aside from the experience itself, was that I did something fun and recreational. I’ve had such a nasty week, I wanted to retreat, but I saw that Cresta Roca was having an open house.

Cresta Roca is not really a farm. It’s a collection of farm animals, and the owner of the operation, a very welcoming woman named Dianne, makes part of her living from the farm

I went fearing crowds, but I was the only person there. She was very warm, and she made me feel safe. I was able to say words, but I used a lot of gestures as well. To earn money, she does goat yoga, breeds chickens, sells eggs, attends fairs and may do other things as well. Yesterday was her first paid open house.

I went directly to the three donkeys and had a little cry. I have loved them all my life but never touched one. And when I turned to visit the ducks, chickens and geese, there was Dianne offering me a wee goat baby to hold. I guess it’s love that I feel so intensely for my little charge. Animals are my people. I was in heaven.

She has three dogs, two horses, about twenty goats, three ducks, innumerable chickens, two geese and she’s single. The subtle purple colour of her preferred breed of chicken is beautiful. Her Harlequin ducks were all beautiful, but all of nature is beautiful, isn’t it? One was pure black in the shade, but in sunlight you see deep, deep shiny blue.

The geese were majestic. They are, of course, caged. Geese temperament is on a spectrum between extremely loving to aggressive asshole. These geese were inquisitive and big. They have such a beautiful body design and, as I say, they can be very loving. They definitely have a strong personality.

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Walkling Elder Cedar was lovely because my heel was less painful that usual. But also, I went in relaxed. I didn’t need to water, so I had all the time in the world for all the things we did today. The best part was, we were alone, and it was lovely and warm but far from hot. I’ve become used to my new gait. People say slow is good, and Sheba is fine with our slow pace.

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Last night I re-watched C’mon C’mon. It’s about a man who is part of a trio of people who interview children and who presumably do something with those interviews, but I don’t know what it is. And this man becomes charged with looking after his nephew, the son of his sister with whom he shares a broken relationship. Knowing this does not take away an iota from the thrill of watching this movie—well, I know not everyone has the same taste.

The film is very clever, and it is over-the-top brilliantly written. (I keep wanting to add, ‘too my taste’ Why is that?) Sometimes sources of the words we are hearing are printed on the screen as this man reads to his brilliant son, the source of the text in literature is printed on the screen in very large letters.

There is so much to love in this film and could stay up all night. I love movies about children; I cry at least once a month that I never had one to love. The child in this film is believable Einstein.

So often children are given lines that jar. They feel fake, written by adults, perhaps without children. This kid handles a script that is phenomenally complex with such grace and credibility. Every second he is on screen he is believable, and often he is saying things it’s hard to believe a child is capable of saying—either the thought or the timing.

The boy in this movie is played by Woody Norman. His performance is thrilling. Every actor in this movie is perfect, especially Joachim Pheonix as the uncle. His performance is … I wanted to get on a plane and hug him. He and Woody have delicious chemistry. He is living my dream, caring for the child of someone he loves, and for a good chunk of time—and in California, NYC and New Orleans.

Everyone is excellent. The writer/director, Mike Mills is the genius behind C’mon C’mon. I saw it free on CBC GEM, with ads. It is also on Kanopy I think.

Elder Cedar's fern carpet.

Good Days Have Returned

Friday was a calmer day than the rest of the week. For one thing, I’m back on my HIV medication again. Also, I walked with my friends in the morning, and the fragrance of the forest was like incense. I felt so, so good in the forest.

When we came home, I did a long HIV survey for St. Paul’s Centre for Excellence in HIV/AIDS. It provided me with the opportunity to vent about the pharmacy screwing up my pill delivery. That felt very, very good. Just before I finished, Colleen arrived, and I gave her a long list of things to do, explaining that the list was to serve for a few visits, not just yesterday. I’ve come to really like and value her, and it helps me get to ‘normal’ to have help getting all the things done that I see every day needing doing. 

And then I watered. It wasn’t onerous because I’d had a day off, but it certainly tires me out even though it’s just standing in place. I did the backyard beds first, and it was fun because Colleen and I could talk as we worked. She is just awesome, and a perfect fit for me.

Nothing horrible happened all day yesterday. I need a string of such days to get back to how I normally function. Thursday was so bad, I had diarrhea. I was so bloody hot and miserable that I was constantly sweating and uncomfortable, all due to stress. It wasn’t that warm on Thursday.

Colleen left as I finished the backyard beds, and I had a rest. Then I took Sheba for a short walk and came home to water the front beds. It takes half the time to water the front as it takes to water the back. And when I was done, Sheba and I went for a short walk. When we got back to the car, I lay down in the back where I have a very convenient bed. I had a dead battery.

Then we came home, and oh how wonderful it felt to be in the cool air and finished with my duties for the day. Hallelujah. All I could think of was dinner, couch and a movie.

Today was my third day of fasting all day and only eating dinner. It’s a much easier way to lose weight than what I’ve done in the past. I don’t even think about food. I want to lose weight because 1. I’m too fat for most of my clothes, 2. Losing weight will make both my foot and my breathing easier, and this is the most important reason for taking action, and finally, 3. I feel better when I’m not fat. Since my breakdown, I’ve been indulgent about sweets and large helpings. I want to get my weight down and then get back to sweets and meals in thoughtful portions.

On my walkabout last evening, I was thrilled by Colleen’s work. She does a very good job of everything I ask her to do. It excites me to think of what’s possible for my garden with her working for me this season and next. I’m really excited about what we can accomplish.

I write her a list of things to do. After each visit, I take off the list the things she’s done, and I add things that I see in my walkabouts. She appreciates my methodology. And I’ve messaged Ralf on Facebook about coming to do yard work for me. I want him to rake over the yard and deposit the detritus in the organic dump.

Paula is coming here Sept. 9 and 10. We are extremely compatible and yet, I plan to take a Lorazepam every day she’s here. If the visit passes without me having a seizure, that will be a first, and I’ll use Lorazepam every time someone comes to visit. And I’m going to ask Dr. Shoja about doubling the dose when Steve is here.

Thank God for today. Thank God for no issues or emergencies. Thank God for being able to take frequent rests during the day.

When I was at the clinic, there was a fellow in the waiting room with me. He looked to be in his late thirties. He looked scruffy. He had long dark hair, a beard, and he wore loose dark baggy pants, a t-shirt and heavy high work boots that looked 50 years old, and they were not done up.

After about ten minutes, his partner and their two children arrived. His partner was beaming, and it allowed me to notice that she had only 1 tooth in her upper jaw. She was wearing a tight top and black leotards, and she was a bit of a heavy girl. I, a non-judgmental liar, thought Hillbilly Junction.

As time passed, I kept watching because I was facing them. And what I saw moved me deeply. There was such evident affection between the parents, and the youngest child went directly to her dad when she arrived. She sat down and took his hand. I thought I was seeing a family dynamic that they could be very proud of. 

I thought about that today when Colleen told me that some of the women at her Women’s Fair event in Calgary, left because Colleen welcomes trans women. And I just hate hearing how people can judge others so harshly without ever having a discussion with a member of the group they don’t like. I hated Rita, and I had a long list of reasons why, but when Don (my ‘father’) died, I agreed to look after Rita for him, and I did so for eight years. I fairly quickly came to love her, and when she died, I sat for hours with her. I did not want to leave her. I was very proud to find myself capable of changing my mind.

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When I woke this morning, I was thrilled to see an overcast sky. Sadly, it’s likely to burn off and watering will be required again today. Dave comes to day to synch my watch with my phone and to also explain how to use it a bit, but I also have Bruce and Steve for that. And I get to take the alarm off from around my neck and to return it and its corresponding speaker to Lifeline.

But the big event of the day may be going to a local farm to visit their animals. And tomorrow will be a lovely quiet solitary My Day.

When Will These Dreadful Days End?

Home insurance is a racket. I’m tempted to go without it for a year because I’ve been paying for home insurance since I was 26 years old, and I have never made a single claim. I’m appalled by their annual increase in premiums, but I fear I’d feel unsafe without it. I’m going to call my broker today to see if I can make some changes in my policy hoping that I can pay less of a premium. I don’t feel like a person, a citizen, anymore, I feel like a financially exploitable income resource for corporations. 

I’m sad that I’m in a rather dark place right now. This week has been like no other since the onset of my mental illness. And yesterday was another very challenging day. I have lots of energy in the mornings, and I rise at 5:30, so I have long mornings in which to accomplish domestic tasks. It felt very, very good to get the house in order, all tidied and clean.

At 8:30, I slid into the lovely warm spa on a silent morning, and I soaked my troubles into submission—at least for a while. And then Her Highness and I went for our morning walk, went shopping and visited the clinic, pharmacy and the vet.

The pharmacy did not have my pills. This is when my brain started to go postal. I was not surprised that the pills were not there, but I was surprised by how close to tears I was as I left the store. I exited the store walking very slowly, head down, eyes down, and I felt like crap. Once my shopping was done, it was off to the clinic. There, things went very well. I was expecting an appointment in mid-to-late September, but I got an appointment for yesterday afternoon at 14:00. This is about the growing lump on my heel.

Next was the vet. Things went well there as well. I’m taking Fred in at 15:30. By tackling ‘issues’ like my heel and poor Freddy’s problems, I lesson my stress. Doing something makes me feel better.

Wednesday taught me that if I don’t eat breakfast or lunch, I am not hungry at all during the day. This is my plan for losing weight. In the past, I ate lightly at breakfast and lunch, and I was hungry all the time and all I could think about was food. This fasting all day and only having dinner is easier to take. 

I’m heavier than I’ve ever been before. I’m getting too fat for my clothes, and the belly fat may be one reason my back gets sore all the time when I am working. Plus, I just don’t like being this fat, so things must change. I’ve been addicted to sugar, so now, after dinner, I do not eat anything sweet even though I crave it. However, soon I will have one of my own home-grown apples for dessert, fresh off the tree. This is a first in my life, growing apples.

Just before noon, the pharmacy called to say that my drugs had arrived from St. Paul’s. What a relief. I was completely out of pills.

At the clinic, I saw Jennifer, and she is sending me to Nanaimo for an X-ray. She suspects that I have Achillies tendonitis or a bone spur. Both are only correctible with surgery which I won’t have. Jennifer said that surgery is often unsuccessful, so it was an easy decision to make. So now and forever, I will limp and walk slowly. And long walks are out.

While I was waiting to see Jennifer, my cell phone rang. It was a first, and it was kind of thrilling to get it. It was Dwight. Who else? I love every conversation we have. And another thing … I had a slight seizure in Jennifer’s office and that got us talking about my mental health, and I told her about how visitors cause me to have seizures all the time. She said, in no uncertain terms, that that was what my Lorazepam is for. So, whenever I have guests, I’m going to take Lorazepam each day of their visit.

When I got back, I took Fred to the vet. I decided to have Sheba come with us because I thought it would help Fred to have Sheba’s company. I have a nice big crate to put him in, and I thoroughly cleaned it, and I put a favourite blanket inside for him. Fred was tense as hell.

Just as I was about to open the car door, the bottom of the crate fell off and Fred, and indoor cat, was loose in the front yard and he would not let me catch him. As our appointment time came and went, I stressed about how I was ever going to get Fred into the house. And then fucking Sosa, the dog from next door, arrived and chased Fred. Fred took off. I was dying.

I screamed and screamed at Sosa him, and Fred was howling at a million decibels from his safe spot up a tree. Colleen removed Sosa and I was able to pry Fred from the tree. I got him into the crate and off we went. Poor Freddy was at his wits end, but as long as I stayed close and kept my hands on him, he was immobile, and that Patricia could give him a thorough checkup. The vet had no concerns, which was good news, but I’ve some homework to do watching Freddy poo and pee to see which function is painful.

When I got home, I was hyperventilating and boiling hot and I had diarrhea! I don’t recall ever being so stressed out. This week has been absolutely brutal. Sometimes what’s going on inside my head and body is worse than the seizures and bad speech, but no one sees my frenzied brain.

I needed a cold shower. The last thing I wanted to do was get into the spa. It was only 24° outside, but it felt more like 40° to me. I gave Fred some treats to help him settle, and I fed Sheba. The rest of the day was mine. I fell onto the chaise and turned on the television, once I’d made dinner. I made myself some comfort food: Laksa. 

And bless his beautiful wonderful soul, Fred stayed beside me all through the evening and I continually softly spoke to him and stoked him. I was worried he’d hate me for what I’d done for him, but no. He is such a loving spectacular soul.

A favourite breed of mine, Dobermans. I have a Doby
friend here on the island names Lucy.

Another Too Stressful Day

A while back, I took some of the ladies in our walking group on a trail walk that I often use but it was one that they didn’t know. Yesterday, they asked to walk that trail again because it’s longer than our other walks and they like the change from our regular trails. We walked for ninety minutes, and the best part was encountering a very nice and friendly woman on her horse, Jess.

I was thrilled to be able to visit with Jess. I fed him grass and patted him and then, after we’d been visiting for about ten minutes, he turned his head to me and sniffed me. I felt we’d made a connection. I love horses so much; they are living sculptures, and Jess is a particularly gentle and patient being. I’m smitten, and I know where she lives.

I was a sweaty mess when we got home, so it felt fabulous to come into my miraculously cool home. But a lot of chores awaited me. I discovered a mess under the pull-out drawers at the bottom of my fridge that must have formed during the trials with the freezer, I had blankets to wash to free them of dog detritus, I had recycling work to do, and, of course, all the watering.

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I had to do some banking too, and when I logged into my bank, I noticed a charge from Disney+, a streaming service that is “free” with my Shaw/Rogers internet account. I checked the “manage my subscriptions” function on my computer, and it showed that I have no subscription to Disney+.

I had an account with Disney long ago, which I cancelled, so I have and account with them.I logged in and went to ‘manage my subscription,’ and it referred me to the Shaw/Rogers website. I called Rogers and they told me the problem is likely only fixable through Disney, and so the customer service rep gave me the number for Disney.

Dealing with Disney was rough. Although the service rep was polite, friendly and committed to helping me, he could not find an account for me, other than the free Rogers/Shaw account. He asked me if there was any other identifying information on the Disney line item on my bank account because that might help him find the rogue account. To do what he wanted meant having to hang up on him because the bank won’t let me into my account without a code that they telephone to me. I feared that if I hung up, I’d have to start all over again with another rep.

My stress levels were causing me to melt, but I survived (barely). After a terrible 90 minutes, he found the rogue account. There was a spelling mistake in my name and that is why he couldn’t find it, but now it is cancelled, and so is the monthly charge that I’ve probably been paying for two years without noticing.

Then it was time to water the garden beds. I was not keen, but I’m helplessly responsible, so out I went. Knowing that chances were I’d not have to water today, I found myself easily slipping into the Zen of watering. I did the backyard first and then rested. But not for long. I wanted to get the front yard trees, the edible garden and the Virginia Creeper watered before I left. You should see the Creeper. My entire west wall is engulfed in it. And soon comes the colour!

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I see Dr. Shoja next week. I can hardly wait. Monday and yesterday were difficult days. I have lost my ability to cope with stressful situations. Mind you, I hear everyone complaining about crappy customer service and the complexities of technology. It ain’t just me. But with my mental health issues, coping is very difficult. As I got up and went to the door to begin watering the front yard, I really wanted to go to bed and take in the aroma of the clean bed linens.

I’ve had thoughts of giving away the cats, moving, and learning how to hibernate. I feel overwhelmed. Fred is, I think, seriously ill. I think he has a bowel blockage judging from the howling in pain and his going to the litter box but being unable to void. Today’s big task is going to be finding a vet to visit.

Our local vet had a heart attack, the poor guy, so I must go to a vet in Nanaimo where they can do the x-rays and operations. I may be being dramatic, fearing surgery, but Ethel had surgery for a bowel blockage, and it cost four grand.

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At 16:30, I fed Sheba and realized that I hadn’t eaten a single thing all day. All I had was Diet Coke and my pills. That may account for my getting so incredibly stressed. Worried about Fred, I called Regina to ask her about good vets in Nanaimo and I’m very glad I called her because she is sure a blocked bowel is not the problem. She wonders about constipation due to a hairball. I felt a lot less stress after talking with her.

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Dinner was very welcome as was going to bed early and smelling the gorgeous outdoor fragrance of my linens. While I was eating, Nancy came by. She had a hunch about my new chaise. There is a round upholstered cushion atop the backrest. Nancy grabbed it and pulled it, and it came up. It’s designed to be raised as a headrest and finding it has made all the difference in the world. I can be very comfortable on it now. Thank God!

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Today will be a better day. I can calm down. There’ll be no watering because it’s overcast with thick dark clouds. I can focus on some of the many pressing things needing doing, particularly caring for my beloved man of great character, Freddy. I have a long list of things needing doing. I shall go shopping and then do as many things on the list as I can. Productivity makes me feel good.