Grads

Tuesday was a gorgeous day all day long. Our day began with a forest walk with our friends, and it was wonderful to be out and about in such beautiful weather. And then we came home. I had some ASL studying to do, and then we all had lunch. After lunch I went to see Jennifer, my Nurse Practitioner, to talk to her about my weakness and to get a referral to my asthma doctor.

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My session with Dr. Shoja was very interesting. We were talking about my response to her use of the word, “neglect.” It hit me very hard when I first heard it, and it lingered in my head. It hurt terribly to hear that word, and I despaired for my childhood self. My word for the emotional isolation in our family was “indifferent.” I felt the Tyrells were very, very aloof and indifferent.

We talked about the power of the word. That one word, ‘neglect,’ crushed me, whereas I’d been u sing the word “indifferent” for decades without any emotional reaction at all. Dr. S. asked me when I first used the word. I couldn’t remember, but I told her that I suspected it began after my college graduation. She asked me what had triggered the realization.

I told her about my horrid high school grad. Dad said that he would come, so I told him where we could meet, and after the ceremony, I went there to meet him. And I waited and waited while all around me were kids with their parents, siblings and friends. And then I had to walk home to him, but when I got home the house was empty and there was no card, no note, nothing.

When it came time to graduate from college, my mother came home for a week from the hospital, and she asked me if I was going to the grad ceremony. I told her obviously not, after what happened at my high school grad, and Dad promised me that they both would come if I went through the ceremony. Dad said he would rent an ambulance to bring Mother to the ceremony. So, I went.

It was a huge ceremony in the gym. There were, I believe, about 700 of us graduating that day, and when we were finished, we were formally led out of the building in an endlessly long line of fresh graduates all in our gowns and mortar boards. All the guests rose immediately as we began our procession out of the building, and they ran around to the exterior side of the building where we were to exit.

I was far back in the procession, so when I emerged into the daylight, the huge crowd of well wishers had parted to create a pathway for we grads to use to move deep into the crowd, and as the grads found their families, they dropped out of line to join them. I, however, wound up alone at the end of the path, on the far side of the crowd. I circled the mass of people looking for them, but they were nowhere to be found, and that’s when I realized I meant nothing to them, that their word was worthless and that’s. I reckon, when the word “indifference’ became my word to describe their distance.

And yet, when, some 25 years later, I hear the word “neglect” used instead. and I sink into a deep period of mourning. Go figure. The power of the word.

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Today I Zoom with my UK support group, and I’ll do a lot of chilling and a few chores in the yard and garden. I have some plants to get into the ground and out of their pots, and some shite to tote to the organic dump behind the fence. I’ve some ASL to memorize as well. Regina has given me some ASL flash cards.

Marijuana bonsai.