Sheba Needs Care

Sheba has done damage to her foot. This time, I could find the wound and treat it and put a sock on her foot. It will heal quickly, but we spent the day at home without walks. It was a glorious sunny day, but cool, and colder weather is on its way. Sigh. I just pray that there will be no snow, because should it snow, I do not want to walk. It is very tiring trudging through snow, and my heart cannot sustain that.

Last evening, Sheba seemed to be choking. It panicked me, so I called Regina to ask for advice about where to take her, thinking she might need surgery to remove something caught in her throat. Our local vet doesn’t do surgery. But Regina calmed me, telling me it’s a common problem with some dogs, so last night we slept on the hide-a-bed in the living room which is lower to the ground and easier for Sheba to mount with her sore paw.

This morning, we are off to the vet.

I cannot believe how deeply, deeply attached I am to Sheba. We are never apart, except for the odd social date or hospitalization. Best of all, we sleep side by side. In the mornings, as soon as I see her, all that matters is going to her to hug her, to talk to her, and to kiss her, and our days end in the same way. I am besotted.

I realize that my previous paragraph might put some people off. But for me, this love I have for her, and for Fred and Ethel, is my best medicine. It feels so very, very good to love them.

Loving a human being is not easy for me. I mistook lust for love, I was desperate which is not alluring, and I was a virgin—not sexually, but emotionally. I grew up without love, unaware of what I was missing. In its place grew a lack of trust of others. I was kind of doomed, but then I met Aleck.

I won’t bore you with the story of Aleck, because I’ve written about it here before. What matters is a neglected cat came to be mine, and we healed each other. It was for Aleck that I felt love for the first time. I believe he saved me.

Leon was a similar story. He belonged to a fellow who lived at the other end of my condo building from me, and he was constantly away doing business in Berlin and LA. Leon would go out the window of his home and walk along the roof meeting the neighbours. When he found me, a single and retired older man who was at home a lot, he stayed. Again, a neglected soul found mine.

Aleck, Spike, Bela (as in Bartok), Leon, Fred, Ethel and Her Highness, they have filled my world with love. And love spread to include all animals. My friends with whom we walk our dogs know. I thrill to the touch of their dogs and all the other dogs—and sometimes horses—whom we meet on the trails.

No photos today, I must get to the vet. Back tomorrow.

Lunch with Bev

Whereas yesterday dawned dark and damp, by 8:30 the sky had cleared to reveal sparkling blue sky. I was very happy to have such good weather for our trip to Nanaimo for the day. After weeks of being alone, day after day, I was excited to be going for a bit of an adventure—and one that would enable me to come home with delicious sushi for dinner.

The day began normally: we walked together, came home and got her lunch to take with us and Beth’s book to read, and we caught the 10:30 am ferry. Once on the big island, we went to our favourite park to walk together, and then I headed into town to meet Bev for lunch.

It was great to see my friend whom I met in high school. We had a very good lunch in a nice quiet restaurant. We chatted together for two hours and then we bid each other goodbye, and I knew, once I was in the car, that we would not be stopping for sushi. I was anxious to get home.

We were home just before three pm, and I went directly to bed and slept for over an hour, and when I woke up, I did not want to get up. Reluctantly, I got up and fed the cats and Sheba, but I had no appetite. I did manage to eat as I watched and thoroughly enjoyed an animated movie called Flow that was about animals bonding together to survive a flood. And then we all went to sleep. 

I was rather shocked to find how depleted I felt after what was really an easy day. All I did was sit. I sat in the car waiting for the ferry and as we crossed to the big island, I sat all through lunch, and I sat all the way home. Why was I so completely exhausted when I got home?

Today I shall be sitting all day. I am glad to be home and free of any duties or appointments. Today will be about recovery for both of us. Sheba seems lethargic and it worries me; she has done damage to her foot. I hope our easy day at home today has her soon feeling herself again.

Bill Hays Writes to Me!

Tuesday was a good day. For one thing, Sheba is well on her way to recovery. She was walking with barely a limp. Still, we took it easy yesterday doing one very short trail walk, and one normal one in the afternoon. I’m enormously relieved.

After a battle of concentration, I completed the book Insomniac City, by Bill Hayes. Mr. Hays was the late-in-life lover of my hero, Oliver Sacks. It was Mr. Hays who helped Mr. Sacks come out very late in life. I was so overwhelmed by the book, I looked up Mr. Hays online, found his website and wrote him a letter:

Dear Mr. Hays,

I discovered Oliver Sacks in my early twenties. It was The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hatthat ignited a life-long passion for anything and everything Oliver. In Migraine I discovered my deepest secret that caused me to worry that I might be crazy, was an uncommon aspect of being a sufferer of classic migraines. How could I not love a man who ended a deep fear?

In 2016, I awoke one morning out of control of my body. It was the first of many seizures I would have that day, and I lost my ability to speak, and so began a long process of learning, understanding and acceptance. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and functional neurological disorder. 

I retreated from the world, ashamed of my inability to speak and the jerking, twitching and groaning that would start if I tried to speak. And I hated seizing in public. I moved to a small island not too far from Vancouver where I had lived all my life. I wanted to get away from people, noise, bright lights and the chaos of urban existence. The move helped.

One beautiful summer day on this paradise island, I was driving and listening to the radio. I was not paying attention to the music, but suddenly I heard the announcer say … “eminent American neurologist, Oliver Sacks.” I’d thought of Oliver as many things, a genius, a heart that could walk, the best doctor ever born, an extraordinary writer, a bit of an eccentric, but never as a neurologist. 

But now, living with a very frustrating and life altering neurological disorder, that label resonated. I had to pull over and stop the car I was so overwhelmed with emotion. Instead of being ashamed of my symptoms and frustrated by them, I felt released again from my fears by your wonderful friend, Oliver. My fear and shame were replaced by irrepressible pride in being one of Oliver’s people. It felt like a divine gift to be someone he might have helped, someone whom he would understand, to be living a link to a man I respected more than all others.

Reading Insomniac City was such a privilege, Mr. Hayes. It turned in icon into a man. Thank you for writing it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It never once occurred to me, during all those years during which I read all his books (loved Uncle Tungsten!) that my hero might, like me, be gay. Bonus! Your book is a beautiful memoire of a man so many of us strangers loved. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

This morning, I got a reply, much to my delight:

Dear Christopher,

Thank you for your kind words about "Insomniac City" -- and for taking the time to write.  I'm so sorry to hear about the various neurological disorders you've suffered over the years--it sounds very difficult--and yet, how lovely to hear that Oliver and his writings have provided comfort and inspiration.  I love your description of him as "a heart that could walk."  Indeed!

With many thanks,

Bill Hayes

•

I felt euphoric much of yesterday. Aren’t I lucky? Of course, being slightly mad helps because my illness magnifies emotional response. I had so much to be happy about: Sheba was rapidly getting better; the stink has gone and the night walks before bed have stopped her from night pees indoors; the house is all clean and in order; and finally, and finally, I realized that I could feel this good even though I nap three times a day, can’t carry much weight or walk too quickly.

I hope a problem is found in the upcoming tests, and I hope that they will fix it. Both hopes are reasonable. But I’m no longer panicked about what I will do if no problem is revealed. Life can still be very, very good even with little energy.

•

Christy Clarke was once the premier of BC. I think she is an ambitious and clever and vile. She dropped out of the race to lead the Liberal party. Thank God!

 •

Today, we are off to Nanaimo. We’ll walk in our favourite park, I’ll have lunch with my high school friend, Bev, and I’ll do some food shopping at Thrifty Foods where I can get some fabulous sushi to bring home for dinner.

Sheba is Recovering

I made this giff with images I took on one of
my walkabouts before my breakdown.

So … doing the domestic chores went well. I love it when everything is working and the house is clean and tidy. My only concern is Sheba’s foot. But she had a nice slow, warm and gentle day off her sore foot while I cleaned and tidied. We didn’t go for any trail walks, and I spoiled her all day with love and treats.

I honestly don’t know what I do all day. Well, that’s not quite true, I do take a lot of naps, but the days past pleasantly even though I accomplish little to nothing. I’m not reading. Instead, I waste hours on videos on YouTube. Spending my days alone like this, rarely speaking, is heaven. 

One thing I did yesterday, was chopping wood to make kindling, and I brought all the kindling into the house and put it into a basket by the hearth. Having done that allowed me to easily and quickly get my fire going this morning. I arranged some kindling in the firebox and lit it and soon I had a nice beginner’s blaze going, and then I went out to the shed to fetch some large pieces to add and in no time, and with no early morning wood chopping, I had a roarer going and the house was soon toasty warm. I’ll chop more kindling today and repeat this process tomorrow.

And today began brilliantly. Sheba’s foot is very clearly improved. Our day off from walking obviously helped her heal. We trail walked this morning, but only briefly, and this afternoon, we’ll walk a little further, but I shall be watching her carefully.

Dianne wrote to say that she’s coming to visit on the 27^th—the day I get my echocardiogram. She’ll arrive here at Pinecone Park while I’m still in Nanaimo, so it’ll be exciting to come home to find her here. I love her visits. I love how easy it is with her. We’ll cook together and watch movies. I can hardly wait.

Two Weeks to Go

Sunday, My Day, was as it should have been. It was gentle and undemanding. Her Highness and I got the day off to a truly lovely start, walking in brilliant sunshine through the Elder Cedar grove. Once back home, I had the first of three long Sunday naps.

In the afternoon, I tried to read but failed. Both watching television and reading lead to me falling asleep, but two weeks from today, I get my echocardiogram. Then, ten days later, my two MIBI tests and then I will hear the results. I can hardly wait.

Today, with luck, will be a very productive day of chores. I’ve been slacking off, so I have some serious work to do to make the house sparkle. Sheba has a limp. One of her feet is bothering her and I can’t determine why, so we will be having a quiet day at home today, and our walks will be short.

Did you know? Praying doesn’t work. Unable to sleep through the night, I chose to pray to pass the time, but neither Henry Cavill nor James Norton brought me breakfast in bed this morning.