Yesterday was emotionally overwhelming due to two unexpected events.
First was my brunch with Jan. I ran into her on a bus. We had not seen each other for a long time—perhaps two or three years, but we have known each other for decades. Jan has been a craftsperson her whole life and supported herself as such; she makes hand-made paper in a fabulous studio downtown.
Lunch was overwhelming because it was so wonderful. It was like we had been in regular touch; we bounced off each other. The room was full of our energy. And then she announced we'd be eating something she had never made before. It was Dutch Baby, a favourite dish I call Oogen den Hague that I discovered from my beloved Ex.
But it was our increased compatibility that took things to the emotional heights I still feel. The whole time I had a "twins separated at birth" feeling with Jan. It was my first experience with her as a creator, like her, and we talked process together in a way I have with no one else.
There will be no more gaps in our wonderful friendship.
And then I met Rob. I don't talk much about Rob here. We share a complicated relationship because—OF COURSE—it is a relationship with benefits and yesterday we had a tiff and I came home aching. I had no idea how attached I was until I walked away yesterday. Now I know. We are fine, thank God.
The most powerful of yesterday's epiphanies, however, was in my conversation with Jan about anxiety. I have never talked about my anxiety with anyone before except a doctor and in my conversation with her, out of the blue, I said: "When I use marijuana, I don't feel alone."
It shook me to hear myself say that. I have absolutely no doubt that that is why I use it and I had no emotional understanding of that until yesterday. The revelation took my breath away, and when I breathed in, I thought to myself, the next thing I said was this: "I'll bet that is why I have this increasing passion for God, too, because if I bring God into my life I am not alone either."
When I started going to that counsellor who I soon quit, one thing I said to him very early on was: "I am sick of always being alone." I remember that now, but I did not realize when I said it that my use of THC (the essential medicinal ingredient of marijuana) was linked to my sense of solitude.
And now I know that I need to develop my relationships with Rob and God, not a counsellor. How apt for Easter Sunday, resurrection day.