Jillian Visits

This is an improvisation. This kid is a genius.

Thursday began under thick cloud. I checked all the garden beds first thing after feeding the brood, and it was clear that I had no need to get busy watering the beds. Instead, I got busy cleaning the house because Jillian was coming for tea. 

When I was done inside, it was time to walk Her Highness and as we departed, the sky cleared quickly, and we walked in glorious sunshine and wonderful fragrances. I felt so, so good and I was full of love for this life I lead on this paradise of an island. Right now, there are tourists everywhere, and they make me feel so lucky to be a full-time resident of this sublime island. I am lucky to feel so happy on my own.

I saw Dave, could barely speak to him (which is very odd), and we talked together about having a barbeque at Pinecone Park tonight. It will be nice to have a chat and chew with him, Ursula, their daughter Sara, and Sara’s husband, Grey.

I did chores in the yard until lunchtime, fed the brood, and then went back to yard work. One thing I wanted to do was move a potted plant to my deck from the yard. (See above.) It’s about a foot in diameter and about 15 inches tall. I wanted to move it perhaps 15 meters. It was extremely hard to do on one go, but I did it, but I was panting like made, and I went to bed to have a nap and recover. I am very weak still. 

This is one of the little fellows that populate my yard. This one is sitting on the edge of my fountain. When Jillian came, I went to show her the frog, but it was gone. She did see, however, a Western Tanager, and she was really thrilled to see her first one. She was very complimentary of my gardens. While I got things ready, she took herself on a tour of the yard. It felt good to hear her compliments.

We had cookies and drinks, and we chatted. Her son in on the autism spectrum, so she is very accepting of my speech and jerking. She left saying she’d be keen to meet again. That felt good too.

Yesterday was a difficult day. I found out when I tried to speak with Dave. I always speak well with him because I love the guy. He is warm and welcoming every day. I had a lot of physical symptoms with Jillian as well as several blocks. On my own, I feel like I might explode. I feel ‘the beast’ inside. Pressure. I suppose it’s anxiety. That’d be my guess based on what I’ve learned from Dr. Shoja. I just woke up this way this morning.

I love going to bed. I love being warm and cosy under the duvet, surrounded by silent darkness. I also love that Sheba is there, and I can hope for a better day today.

Almost Normal

I have been loving these days of endless sunshine and not too much heat. Of course, I am giddy about how cool my house keeps, even in the hottest weather. What I love is how routine every day is. 

The mornings are mine. I get up early and I read news items, do my blog posting, feed the brood and I do domestic duties such as washing dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc., and then I walk Her Highness. After that comes watering the backyard beds.  I water everything in the same order every day. Then comes lunch and a rest, followed by a thorough watering of the edible garden beds, and then I am done for a while.

Once the edible garden is done, which is usually around 2:00 in the afternoon, I have a watering break to rest, go into the village to shop, or to do yard work before I return to watering around 4:00. That’s when I do the front bed and the front yard trees. That’s my pattern for every day. It’s not overwhelming, in fact, it’s a pleasant duty. I look at every plant in my garden every day. That has me on top of any problems. Then, the evening is mine., and oh how I love the relaxing evenings knowing that all the plants are watered.

I’ve decided to talk to Dr. Shoja about Clonazepam, but I am inclined to not bother with stopping the drug. I’ve had only one seizure since I started on this drug, and my speech is much better with those with whom it was difficult to speak. I remain mute with strangers (except trail walkers). I feel fine, and I can work on easy chores. Soon, I’ll be going to Eoin and François’ place to fetch rocks and then I plan to build a shallow wall with them. The work will test my endurance and strength somewhat, and that experience will inform my upcoming talk with Dr. S.

Very acceptable speech, here on the island, and only one seizure in the past six weeks, this has me feeling as good as I have ever felt since the onset of C-PTSD and FND. Yes, I still have a noticeable speech problem, but it’s occasional and not all the time. It’s hard to believe that this is all due to .25 mgs of a drug.

I’ll water today and do a little yard work in anticipation of building a new bed this weekend when I get the rocks from Eoin and François. But what I’m really looking forward to is Jillian, an incredible actor and lovely friend whom I’ve known for years, coming to visit this afternoon. I’m so excited about catching up with her and talking theatre. And soon, Bill and Marsha. My theatre gene is vibrating like mad.

   

 

Getting Back to Normal

monday

Yesterday began with a mystery. I had no emails from my friends about walking our dogs this morning. Curious, I tried to access my email via the Internet instead of using my Mail program on my iMac. No luck. Eventually, I learned that Shaw mail was down, although there was absolutely no notice of the problem on the Shaw/Rogers website.

Although the day began and ended on glorious sunshine, much of the day was spent under a thin overcast that kept out island cooler than it’s been of late, so I got some yard chores done. I felt very good about that. I also went shopping and watched a guy steal two watermelons from Nester’s. And when I got home, Glynnis, a neighbour, happened by and we enjoyed a nice little catch up at the foot of my driveway.

I watered everything thoroughly after my day off from the chore, and I am very happy to be able to do it without any frustration at all. I am at peace with watering, I am thrilled to say, and this is new. Every year here until this Summer, I really hated watering. But no more!

I’m excited, too, about having a new goal. I want to make another bed, and then move several plants into it. It will involve more rocks from Eoin and François’ place and fresh soil. I plan to build the bed and then have Bronwyn move the plants when she treats my beds with compost and does some pruning. I’ve written to her to make some plans. As for my plans, moving the rocks may be a challenge unless my weakness has left me. I will probably wait until after I see Dr. Shoja and get off Clonazepam to get started.

And … VICTORY!  I did something besides watering. I did some chores that I’d been wanting to do. It was a pretty normal, semi-productive day. I did nothing strenuous.

tuesday

Tuesday was really, really lovely. We got off to a slow start because some of the garden beds were still damp from Monday’s watering. However, when I did get down to it, it was a pleasure. I’m so chuffed that the hate I had for watering in the past exists no longer.

I am getting rocks from Eoin and François on Friday or Saturday. I will use them to create a new bed where I tried to save the Boxwood that Steve and Dan gave me. All the Boxwood died except one plant. So, I will have Bronwyn move it to the new bed I create as well as some other plants that are not thriving in their current location.

Last evening I got an email from my friend and former boss Bill. He and his partner, Marsha, are coming to visit and I am over the moon about their coming. I could write a book about Bill. He had a vast influence on my life. It was Bill who welcomed me to work at the theatre he was inaugurating (the Arts Club). From age 4, I was passionate about theatre, so being given my first job in professional theatre was truly a dream come true. 

It’s cloudy this morning and rain is predicted for Monday and Tuesday of next week. This is great news as it will be really good for this very dry island. 

5 Minutes of Rain

Quelle surprise! It was heavily overcast yesterday morning, so I took advantage of the cool dark weather to enjoy a day without watering. It was so dark, I needed to turn lights on, but I kept all the screened doors and windows open. For Sunday, my day, it was ideal weather. I’d wanted to get things done, but instead I chose idleness. Again! It’s allowed on Sundays.

Just past noon, it rained for about five minutes, and oh the fragrances that were released in the forest! That wonderful smell of rain in a dry, dry forest is fabulous and it filled the house. It’s so wonderfully peaceful on days like yesterday—especially on Sundays. It was quiet and still outside. I felt only calmness.

It was a thoroughly pleasant day and evening, but such a day affords to so little to report. Today we are back to blazing sunshine, but it’s not as hot and rain is predicted for Wednesday. I hope that comes to pass, and I hope the cooler temperatures motivate me to get some yard work done.

And good-bye Joe. Now let’s see what happens next on the shit show. 

600!!!!

By noon yesterday, it was 30° and after watering many of the beds and our long morning walk, I needed a nap. My house stays lovely and cool and I have ceiling fans in every room, so I turn on the fan in my bedroom before I lie down to nap and I feel mighty comfortable in the gentle breezes that come in the window and from the fan. Oh, it felt so, so good to lie down. 

The case for my weakness and fatigue being simple old age is building. Mt heart is ruled out, and this morning I blew on my respirometer and was shocked at the outcome. When I was diagnosed and began treatment, I blew 350-400. After two months of treatment, and for the ensuing couple of years, I blew 425. This level of exhaling force pleased my doctors.

Well, this morning, twice, I blew 600. I find that truly remarkable and I attribute the improvement to my meds plus quitting smoking pot almost 4 years ago. It’s a fabulous reading and it rules out asthma as the cause of my fatigue/weakness. I see Dr. Shoja in just over two weeks and I will talk to her about Clonazepam as a possible cause. I may stop taking it for a while to see if I feel stronger and if my speech goes to shit again. Or I may not. It seems to have done wonders for my condition.

It occurs to me that I am just getting old. The one thing that prevents me from believing that it’s due to ageing is that it came on so suddenly. Yesterday, I went into the village and got dog food at the pet store, and bird seed at another store. Both came in heavy bags, and I struggled to get to the car carrying each one. It left me thinking that I may need a cart for heavy things. This is all so sudden.

I did nothing yesterday except water everything. Every day I want to do other chores, but as each day goes by, I don’t anything but water. Today, I hope to actually do some of the things I wanted to do. I blame the heat. I blame this new weakness situation. 

I take .25 mgs of Clonazepam. How could so small an amount of a drug change me as much as I have changed. I am not capable of exertion. That is the most accurate way of expressing my situation as I live it. I can live like this and be happy in Pinecone Park. Next year, I must hire someone to stack the wood. This is terribly disappointing.

I see Dr. Shoja on August 6^th.  I’ll talk about my situation and the Clonazepam with her. That may lead to going off the drug to see if there is a change. I would have to allow several weeks to pass to assess any changes. If there is no change, then I go to see my nurse practitioner. I think she will respect that I undertook all my consultations before coming to her.

Maybe it will forever be a mystery.

Being gay bent my life off the track I envisioned for myself as a young lad. I adapted. Meeting Steve was another big path-shifter, as was getting HIV from the first person I went out with a year after Steve left me. (He had an accident, bled everywhere and I had eczema cracks on my hands. I always explain this due to the judgement I experienced when I seroconverted.)

When I knew I was gay, my reaction was to realize immediately, that my dreams would not come true. My dreams were taken away. When I became HIV+, I experienced prejudice for the first time, and it was from my community who treated me like a leper. I lost my good health when the virus entered me. Now, serious losses are happening. FND has driven me to (blissful) home arrest, and now this sudden loss of capacity handicaps me even more. It’s hard not to think about dying. I’ve things I must do, but not until this heat stops. Until then, I have little hope for action other than standing, holding a hose.

I’ve written a long message to Dr. Shoja. It will be the subject of our next session. I’m proposing a route to test if Clonazepam is the cause of my weakness. If going off Clonazepam does not bring improvement to my capacity, I will go to my nurse practitioner to see what she says. And if that leads nowhere, I’m going to be mighty disappointed to face living like this forever. Fuck!

I can’t believe I blew 600 on my respirometer!