Fountain Refresh

Tuesday began with a spa. It’s only in the low twenties during the afternoons, and in the mid-teens at night. I’m always feeling chilled in this house in the early mornings, so I love getting into the spa. And now I am submerging my arm. It’s just lovely being in the tub at 5:00, long before any neighbours are up and at a time when silence reigns.

I didn’t feel pressed because the garden beds were all watered thoroughly on Monday, so I took my time doing domestic chores and going down rabbit holes on the Internet until it was time to walk with Her Highness.

When we got back, it was time for chores. I decided to start with seeing if I could increase the water circulation of the fountain, and it went perfectly. I’m thrilled to see the proper flow rate restored, and the birds are thrilled too! They’ve been bathing all afternoon, so I ordered a bird bath to put close to the fountain so that the birds have more options. The one that I’ve ordered has a solar powered fountain.

I found a flea on my hand, so I went to the vet’s here on Gabe who are closing next week to get flea control medications for all three pets. Plus, I arranged for them to send my pets’ records to Mahalo Veterinary in Nanaimo where I will be going henceforth. Then I took Her Highness to walk in the 707, but she wasn’t having it. I guess it was too hot for her, so we came home.

I decided to abandon the book I’m reading. It’s a Martin Walker book that I have read before. I have another book by him that I haven’t read, but I find myself uninterested in Bruno, the series’ central character, anymore. I have a strong ‘been there, done that’ feeling. I read his whole series quite a while back, and loved it, but reading him now feels like going backwards. Instead, I am reading Last Night at the Telegraph Club, a lauded book about a Chinese lesbian growing up in San Francisco.

Not just Martin Walker is boring me, television is boring me, so I watched a short movie and then got into bed at 8:00 to read for a long time. I lasted an hour. I turned off the light at 9:00 and went immediately to sleep. And this morning I slept in until 5:00! I haven’t slept that long in years.

Today I Zoom with Dr. Dorscheid, my asthma doctor, and I may be taken off my puffers. I am very attached to them. They have been a lifeline for decades and so I am not keen to leave them. Perhaps Dr. D. will give me a prescription for an emergency puffer, but I probably don’t need it. Tezspire is a miracle and it’s probably all I need. Still, I am finding the thought of life without my puffers rather scary.

I shall also water all the beds, and we shall walk a couple of time, but early so that Her Highness is not overheated. This morning it was thrilling to hear the fountain tinkling loudly this morning thanks to its increased flow. The little electric pump inside is still working perfectly. It is eight years old!!

A New Key Word

Monday was warmer than its’s been for a while. Sigh. Up at 4:00, I was able to do chores and water all the garden beds thoroughly before Her Highness and I went to meet our friends for a long forest walk together. When we came home, it soon was lunchtime, and then I had a brief soak in the sunshine before coming in to recover on my bed in the wonderfully cool house.

The fountain needs my attention, but I just wasn’t into doing anything at all. All I wanted to do was nothing except read. I had shopping to do, but it could wait. Like I said, nothing was what I wanted to do.

I idled my way through the day until mid-afternoon and then Sheba and I went for our afternoon walk in the Elder Cedar grove. It felt so, so good to walk without worrying about anything (like cakes) and not having to hurry on the walk. And when I got home, I got my family a new veterinarian. Our vet on Gabriola is closing, so I was very happy to find a vet in Nanaimo who will take us on. Today, I will arrange to have Sheba, Fred and Ethel’s records sent to the new vet. I’m relieved that’s done! 

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I saw a cartoon online. I may have mentioned this before. A man bearing an enormous sack with the word, PAST, on its side. A man standing observing him says, “Why don’t you leave that behind.”

Dear cartoonist, fuck you! Don’t you think I wish I could. Should Jewish people leave the history of the holocaust behind? Okay, I’m sorry I said, ‘fuck you,’ but some people living with trauma can’t forget because the world is full of triggers for many of us with clinical diagnoses. 

Last night I had a frightening moment of insight. It shocked me, making me see my tired old story a different way and, as so often happens with me, it comes down to one word. This curse of my history.  

Then this happens: nervous breakdown and diagnoses of Complex PTSD and Functional Neurological Disorder. And then, that word, my N word: Neglected. It has really, terribly hurt me to be described that way, although it didn’t really mean too much to me at the time of diagnosis because I was dealing with constant seizures and extremely poor speech. I had to put off acceptance of all I had learned from Dr. S. and concentrate on adapting. 

The N word that keeps coming up in my head and I’ve struggled to understand why it hurt so much. I’d always called Don and Connie distant. I’d rarely seen them and I felt unwanted. And most of all, no one at either graduation. That killed me. And yet late, late in life hearing Dr. S. call me neglected gutted me.

I have an appointment coming up. I take notes between appointments of insights and thoughts for Dr. S. Last night I watched a movie about a brother fighting for custody of his sister from their mother. It hurt. It hurt to see the brother fighting so hard for his sister. It hurt to see someone wanting to protect someone so strongly. I wished someone had fought like that for me.

I got to thinking about that after the film ended, and out of the soup in my memory, through the lens of new understanding, I saw my story as being one of a child, a person, no one loved. And that really overwhelmed me, to understand myself that way. Unloved. Unwanted. 

Unloved. That had never occurred to me. Not ever. It explains a lot. I have greater understanding of myself, due to one word: Unloved. I suppose “unloved’ is just another way of saying the N word. This word, like the N word, has been added to my list of Key Words.

My Key Words:

Anxiety:

Psycho-neurological

Neglect

Unloved

Key words have all come from Dr. S. (except for ‘unloved’), and each of them has been uttered casually by her. She hasn’t ever said, ‘Now I want to talk about KEY WORD HERE.’ Just, as we are talking, she utters these words that open my mind to clearer understanding. When she has ssaid them, suddenly, for me, ‘the lights went on.’ Key words help me understand myself, and understanding myself, theoretically, helps me. Well, it has. So have drugs.

A great many people have helped me learn to like myself through their kindness and affection. All my life I’ve thought kindly, lovingly of Mr. Jackson, a childhood neighbour, and Aunt Audrey, Don’s sister. I have never missed Don and Connie, but I have missed Mr. J. and Aunt Audrey terrible all my life. All my life I’ve lived with regret that I couldn’t thank them for their kindness. They allowed me to believe that I was loveable.

Everybody has a story.

Fish Taco Day!

Saturday night, in bed, I had a vicious cramp in my left leg. I’d had a seizure when Ali and Pete came to pick up the cake; I reckon the cramp was also a reaction to the stress of two days of challenging baking. It was one of the worst cramps I’ve had.

I’d get about ninety seconds of extreme pain, followed by about another ninety seconds of less extreme pain, and that pattern would repeat for about twenty minutes. It is horrid. It was so bad, this morning, it was still hurting from the bruising the cramps cause, but after I walked around for five minutes, the pain went away.

When I got up and went into the kitchen yesterday morning after rising at 5:00, it felt to me like a crime scene. The cooling rack, the mixing bowl and other things visible from my two brutally demanding days of baking looked like instruments of torture to me. My mantra for my day yesterday, however, was: Today is for me.

I fed my beloveds and got into the spa, keeping the wound out of the water. It was a cool 14° outside. Being so warm and cozy in the water, I closed my eyes and loved the feeling of the wind on my face. It took me back to my years of sailing when the wind would blow off the mainsail and onto me, and as many years of skiing and feeling the rush of air as I raced down the cut. It was heavenly out there having not a care in the world.

After the spa, Her Highness and I went walking on a long route. We were back to normal routines. It was fabulous walking together. It was early so no one was one the trails. The forest is heavenly right now because all the Ocean Spray is blooming and its sweet, wonderful fragrance fills the air.

When we got back home, I fed everyone lunch and then Sheba and I went to Silva Bay so that I could have fish tacos from the food truck. It was a perfect Sunday, and the food truck is a Sunday tradition. We sat at one of the picnic tables, and a lesbian couple asked to join me. We started chatting and I am smitten with Bonnie and Sue. We’re going to meet there again next Sunday!

After eating lunch, Her Highness and I went to Drumbeg to walk. There were lots of people on a beautiful sunny Sunday. They were walking, picnicking, and swimming in the sea, it was lovely to be there. Everyone was in such a good mood. And when we were done, we came home and I had a very brief soak in the sunshine, and then I had a nap in the nice cool house.

Late in the afternoon, Dana came by to repay me for my expenses, and she and Brent gave me a gift certificate to Woodfire restaurant. The biggest surprise of the day was discovering a deposit of $700 in my bank account. It was due to the federal government’s Canada Groceries and Essentials Benefit!

In the evening, I watched a movie and then went to bed early.

Today, I get back to watering. We’ll also walk with our friends. The rest of the day will be spent puttering around the garden beds.

Feckin' Finished!

Just as happened on Friday, Saturday began with a baker’s disaster. I put a teaspoon of baking powder into the mix, instead of a tablespoon, so there is a big slab of edible rubber in the trash. Both cakes that I am making are new recipes to me and that is often a reason I err. I immediately baked another cake—the first of four that I must bake today—before taking Her Highness for our morning walk and going into the village for yet more baking supplies.

Yesterday’s two cakes were made by tiering four individually baked cakes. I was tempted to make a double batch of batter to make the process go more quickly, but I feared having another disaster, plus I’d have to weigh the batter to ensure that I got two equally sized cakes.

Part of my problem with these cakes has been using a recipe for which the cooking time is for cooking the batter in two cake tins, but I am cooking the entire mix in one pan, so it takes much longer to bake. I must check constantly to ensure I get a properly baked cake—too long in the oven dries the cake out.

Our sunny and bright morning quickly disappeared behind clouds, so the morning was cool and that suited me. I get very sweaty baking in the warm weather, and I hate that. Showering is not easy because I don’t yet want to get my wound wet.

At 10:00, the sun came blazing back, just as the third cake went into the oven. Why did I agree to do all this baking? At 11:00, it came out of the oven and I dropped it. I am cursed. But the glass didn’t break and the damage to the cake was something I could live with if I made that cake a bottom layer. I had one more cake to bake, frosting for the chocolate cake to make, and the cream filling and strawberries to layer on the white cakes. Plus, I had chocolate leaves to make to top the ugly frosting of the chocolate cakes. The I had to decorate around the bottom of the cake on the boards with fresh Salal leaves and dried blossoms for the strawberry cakes, and varnished salal leaves and dried blossoms for the chocolate cakes.

I just wanted the job to come to an end.

Dana and her daughter, Sasha, came to fetch the three finished cakes just past 14:00. They were thrilled with them. Once decorated with leaves and dried flowers, they presented well. Even I was happy with them. Primarily, I was happy to see this demanding project coming to an end.

All I had left to do was make the chocolate leaves for the German chocolate cake. It went very well. Usually, for every leaf that works, three or four don’t and so they go back into the pot to melt, and the job takes forever to do, but yesterday, every chocolate painted leaf worked excellently. Every leaf peeled off leaving a perfect chocolate leaf with the veins of the leaf leaving a beautiful design. Pete and Ali are going to the party, and they will pick up this last cake on their way to Dana’s.

Last night, I watched a bit of a crap movie and then wrote a first draft of a piece I’m writing for a publication that features the work of dysfluent people. And then I went to bed for the soundest sleep that I’ve had in ages.

Today is My Day. I shall water where necessary, go to Silva Bay for lunch, read and chill. I want to try to use the hammock but it scares me.

Yesterday late morning: Once cake finished )high up on the leaft.
It is a chocolate cake made with two cakes stacked. On the right
is the second chocolate cake in progress. There are three of the
white cakes that will form the strawberry cake.

The fourth white cake and the top of the unfinished chocolate cake 
in the top photo. Every time I made a cake, I had to do dishes to prep
to make the next cake. Plus the baking dish had to be cooled so that 
the butter and flour barrier to prevent ssticking would take.

The finished German chocolate cake. I made tw
of them. The leaves are varnished to make them
shiny.

The stawberry cake. I learned how to stabalize 
cream for this job and I value that learning. The
green leaves are fresh, unvarnished Salal leaves.
I made two of these cakes as well.

10,000 Steps in the Kitchen

What a disaster yesterday was. I made a double batch of batter in the morning and then baked two cakes. I had them on a board and I was carrying them when I had a sudden onset seizure that had me about to fall, so I dropped the cakes when I caught myself from falling by grabbing the handle on the fridge. Both cakes were toast.

I had to start over. I decided to use baking pans and not the cookie sheets for the second round; it was a good decision as it led to cakes of two layers instead of three, so I needed less frosting. Brent, the other party host with Dana, wanted frosting that I had never made before. It’s made with evaporated milk and so I don’t like it. I can smell it in the frosting and I don’t like the smell. I’ve never used evaporated milk before, and now I’m glad I haven’t.

I was so frantically busy, I had no lunch. But I did feed the pets all their meals at the right time, and I took Her Highness for two short walks. On the first one, she found some poop to eat. Luckily, I caught her and she only had a small nugget. And to think I love this girl and love having her on my bed at night!

I didn’t get the second cake into the oven until 16:15, so I was baking all day (except for quickly going into the village for more sugar and eggs). I was totally exhausted as I began the herculean task of cleaning up. And today I get to go through this again, hopefully and most certainly without having another seizure.

The second cake came out of the oven at 17:00. The first cake was still too warm to frost, so my baking was going to extend into the evening. I wanted to get both cakes stacked, filled and topped with frosting, but I ran out of evaporated milk and couldn’t make enough frosting to finish. The frosting is lumpy because of the shaved coconut, and it’s caramel coloured; it lacks visual appeal, hence my desire to add the chocolate leaves.

When I finally quit to have dinner and watch a movie, it felt so, so good to finally stop moving. I was exhausted, hungry and worried about how much more work was ahead of me. I must make more of the awful filling for the second cake, wash, dry and de-stem the strawberries, and make two more cakes and the cream filling, so last night, while I watched TV, I was working on the strawberries. 

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It’s Saturday morning and I wish it was Sunday morning and all the baking was behind me. I’ve another busy, busy day ahead of me and what I want to do is nothing. I wish I’d never taken on this baking task, but now I must see it through. Sigh.

We’re back to eternal sunshine, but temperatures are predicted to stay in the high teens or low twenties, so that’s a plus. However, the weather is irrelevant today because I’ll be indoors all day baking. The oven calls….