In My Lifetime

Friday began with a pleasant surprise: clear sky and shimmering stars. I was awake at 3:30 and up at 4:00. I did a lot of domestic errands and was out watering at 7:00. I wanted to get the watering done early so that I could focus on the SPACE database that I am building for Aidan.

I’ve been working on the bit I’m doing at the SPACE event in October. I’ve got to get it set so that I can memorize it. SPACE is paying my ferry fare, which is nice. And I’ll have dinner with John and Bunny and sleep over at their place. Sheba is always welcome there.

Income, performing, doing worthwhile advocacy work, SPACE is having quite the positive impact on my life. As a function of my work with SPACE, I wrote to Can Stutter, a national stuttering organization, asking them to help me identify other people who stutter and who have had their bank account flagged as happened to me. Today I got a prize-winning and condescending email saying they wouldn’t help me. I am furious and disgusted with them.

I went into the village to meet Stacy for coffee at 10:00. We sat outside so we could have Tosca, her Great Dane puppy, with us. I melted at the sight of her. She is four months old, and adorable. She’s friendly, chatty and gorgeous. Stace invited me to her place for dinner, so I’ll be with Tosca again.

It was lunchtime when I got home. I tripled Sheba’s prednisone intake. I give her five milligrams with each of the three meals, and she’s not fussing with her feet or her little growth on her leg. I remain committed to short walks only. I am falling out of my dog walking group. 

The next three hours were spent on the SPACE database. I’m building a database of conferences that might be relevant targets for SPACE to offer our workshop. It’s a heavily annotated database, so progress is slow. It’s going to take me a while to finish the assignment, but I’m paid for the work, so that doesn’t matter. 

When I stopped working for the day, I sent a link to Aidan inviting him to comment on my work, so that I could make any changes required when I do all the many conferences left to do. Then I will add data to the entries I’ve already done. Aidan approved it and added another data point to the database. More work, and more pay. I really enjoy doing this kind of work: researching and synthesizing. SPACE has brought a lot of good into my life!

I was happy to quit at 14:45, to drive, with Sheba, to Elder Cedar to walk with Regina and Billie. I’m going to stay in touch with the members of our group by setting up a joint dog-walking date with them to walk at Elder Cedar.

The biggest thrill of my evening was sensing that going back on the second inhaler is stopping my coughing that began when I stopped the medication. Now, I have slight fear in my life. My asthma is trying hard to deprive me of air. I’m on three medications and doses are up on all but one.

It came on when I was eighteen. I just lived with the symptoms. They were annoying, but I just carried on until I started having attacks. I always went to St. Paul’s Emerge when I had an attack, and they’d give me a nebulizer, and I’d be on my way. And bless St. Palu’s, they pro-actively contacted me, evaluated me and got me onto the puffers that sustained me for decades.

I crashed in May 2024. My lungs were functioning at eighteen per cent. That’s when Tezspire injections began. The theory was that I would be able to go off my puffers once on Tezspire, but that ain’t happenin’. Thank Science for drugs.

•

I am a war baby. I am G2, born in the second year of the post-war baby boom. I’m a boomer. When people hear the word ‘boomer,’ I wonder what that word means to them, or if it’s just a name to them.

Population boom. A lot of babies were born after the war. It was a far better outcome that happened after the first world war. When that war ended, the Spanish Flu epidemic killed more people that were killed in the war. For me the Boom has always also referenced Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I was born at the dawn of the atomic age.

As a kid, I had every vaccine offered. They came to me through our school system. My first medical treatment to have my tonsils out when I was a kid. I went on migraine medication at puberty. Throughout my life, I required medical care. I had major abdominal surgery in my late twenties. I was diagnosed with AIDS in the dame month the cocktail was announced. I’ve earned my taxes back several times over.

But now, approaching the end of the trail, I am leaving behind a sick, broken society. I’m ashamed of what we’ve done with our freedoms. I’m disgusted by party politics and see no ideal model for governance. We have ruined our world. The internet has made us worse. I am sickened by the loss of respect for science. We are too many.

It’s all such a sad view I know, but that’s how I feel. And I write this only to marvel at what has happened in my lifetime. War, and a decade of post-war jubilation, united us. I grew up trusting the social order and in the ethics of government, the church, the police, etc. And now look. There is no consensus in anything. Lies proliferate. A buffoon run’s the USA. Trust? Are you kidding? I fear for the future of human beings, given the direction of societal changes I’m witnessing now.

Gee, I only usually feel this way at Christmas.

•

The rain never came. We didn’t even come close, so I’ll be doing a thorough watering today and then working on the SPACE database. Tonight, dinner at Stacy’s with Kris and Steve and her wonderful puppy, Tosca.

Zoomin' & Rakin'

The Virginia Creeper is turning red. ❤️

Yesterday morning it took me almost an hour to attach the photos to my blog post. I couldn’t do it in Safari, Chrome or Firefox. I thought the game was up, but instead of using the uploader icon on the Blogger website, I just pulled the pictures onto the post and that worked! It may be a short-term solution. 

I spent much of the morning ahead of my Zoom call with my UK stuttering group doing SPACE work. And I walked Her Highness, and it took no encouraging. She hopped out of the car and walked with me like old times.

The Zoom session was good, and when it was over I got back to the data base I am creating of various health conferences. I’m researching 21 organizations and collating data on their conference location, purpose, dates, website and the criteria for submission to make a presentation at the conference.

We had a quick lunch and then I went outdoors to do yard work or, put another way, to get chronic nasty back pain. However, I got everything done that I wanted to do, and then I came in to get on the chaise and read. After two and a half days of endless yard work, I wanted a break. Today and tomorrow, I’ll be busy with SPACE work on the database and doing some letters I’ve to write, so today was the day for rest in the afternoon.

Late in the afternoon, we walked Elder Cedar. She was happy to hop out of the car to walk, but her walk was slow the entire way. We are not out of the woods, but she remains much better than she was for those dreadful two weeks. 

We came home to enjoy our usual evening routines.

This afternoon or this evening and tomorrow, we are predicted to have rain. I sincerely hope it happens. The ensuing week is expected to be sunny, so the endless watering will continue. I must water this morning, and then I will be doing SPACE work. 

Speech and Brain Aftershocks

Wednesday began early. I got up at 4:15, and when Sheba pawed at the door to be let out, I walked her to the gate in the blackest of black but with stars glowing all over the sky. It was beautiful and a comfortable 14°. I was looking forward to doing more yard work, but I had to go to Life Labs early to line up for a walk-in appointment. I walked Her Highness at 7:00 and then left her at home while I went to the lab.

I’m so happy to see Sheba walking with her legs in alignment and at a frisky pace. I was very nervous about her future during the recent two weeks of her balking at walking. I’m had a good look at her feet and the little growth on her leg when I got back from the lab, and then I got busy with thoroughly watering all the garden beds.

I enjoyed the watering, especially when I was able to stand in the sunlight and feel the warmth of the sun. Those plants losing leaves and lying low to the ground, I needn’t water as much. They are moving into dormancy. When the yard is cleared, I shall address the surface of the beds, clearing out the cones and needles.

I did not love raking in the front yard and doing more toting. My back gets so, so sore. But I finished all the yard work. Next is clearing the beds of cones, twigs and needles.

At 14:00, I Zoomed with Aidan.  I have homework! I have lots of homework to do, but it ain’t gunna happen today. I did one task last night and finished it this morning. The rest I’ll do tomorrow and Saturday because both days are likely to be dark and wet.

We walked Elder Cedar late in the afternoon. Sheba walked just fine and I was very, very happy. I took all her bandages off and she has not been liking and biting herself. Still, I do not feel it wise to take long walks with her.

Just as I was sitting down to eat last evening, Pete came by with grapes. I’m very fond of Pete. I think everyone who knows him, likes him. He radiates goodness. He’s always smiling and happy.  I was fluent when speaking with him! It waws such a pleasant surprise because I’ve been really struggling with my speech for two days now. I think of these sudden-onset declines in my speech as aftershocks to my breakdown. 

It’s bad in my brain right now. I’m not happy with how I’m thinking about myself. Crying when Dwight departed got me thinking. I won’t bore you with the details, but I know that these bad thoughts are because of the aftershock. 

One thing that is happening are thoughts about having done something wrong and deserving this. I can’t shake my Catholic-instilled link of disease, self-blaming and guilt. This will pass. My speech will get better again; and my self-loathing will go away. 

I still do best with my speech here at home with trusted people; hence my ease with Pete. It’s just much harder to function, even with friends, ‘out there.’ Even here on the island, I am having difficulties with people who have heard me speaking recently. I want to have a long, deep sleep, and wake up feeling better.

Today, I shall do yard work. I’m looking forward to it because the worst is over. All the raking and toting is done. Today I’ll be focusing on cleaning up the garden beds. Woo hoo! 

A Day of Rewarding Work and Difficult Speech

Just when things feel better, thanks to Sheba walking, I seem to have lost my speech again. It’s hard to tell where I am at with speech until I try to talk to a human. I called David to see how I could fare and found myself back to using key words. Key words let me communicate well enough to be understood. I wanted to see how I’d do with Davey before my Zoom appointment with Dr. Shoja at 11:00.

I had a spa under overcast skies, posted here and putzed around the house until it was time to take Sheba for a walk. I was keen to see how we’d do, so I went to Trailhead #6 to walk that trail which is not too long and one with which Sheba is most familiar.

She was reluctant to walk at first, so I threw a stick and she immediately went after it. I threw it again, further along the trail, and off she went again, and this time she picked up the stick and trotted off down the trail to go to poop. She did the entire trail at a brisk walk. I’m so relieved. I don’t feel the need to go to the vet anymore, but neither do I feel like going back to long walks with our friends. We may sometimes join them for a few minutes and then turn back, just to keep our friendships strong.

While I awaited my appointment with Dr. Shoja, I decided to do some front yard raking, and Sheba came out with me. Shortly after I set to working, I heard her barking. She’d gone next door to visit Dave, whom she loves, and I was thrilled to know she was up for a neighbourhood walkabout. I’m so happy she’s feeling and walking better.

My video meeting with Dr. S. went well, but for the first twenty minutes it was brutally hard to get sound out. And the chat feature of the program her hospital uses didn’t work. Without that feature, I was sunk. She’s going to contact their tech people to find out why it wasn’t working and to get it working.

When I was done, it was time for toting. Put another way, it was time to go outside and do things to bring on terrific back pain. After doing four barrow loads, I had to come inside to rest my back. Then it was out for more torture, but it felt good to be getting the work done. 

By 14:00, I’d taken a fifth barrows full of crap to the organic dump and moved all the outdoor garden furniture into the studio. By back was filing divorce papers, so I came in to rest before doing the sixth and final barrow load for the day. Once that was done and all the tools put away, Her Highness and I went to Elder Cedar to walk. At least, as we left, I hoped she’d walk.

She did! She walked like normal the entire way, and when we arrived at the train, and again when we arrived back home, she exited the van with enthusiasm. She still lies down if I stop walking to chat with someone, so what I feel that I’ve learned is that now I have an elder dog and she requires me to be conscious of that in all we do together.

Once home, it was spa time, and oh how good it felt to slip into warm soothing water after a day of psych talk and heavy yard work. And I managed a Zoom call with Beth and our friend, Lynn, late in the day. Talking wasn’t easy, but I could participate in the call. It takes a lot of force and air to speak, so it tires me out quickly.

Our evening was as usual, but my walkabout was fulfilling because Pinecone Park is looking fabulous! Today, I’ll be working on the front yard after I water all the beds. There is no rain at all in the forecast, however evaporation rates have slowed considerably so I do not need to water every day. I am really enjoying my solitary days, filling them with work on the yard and gardens.