Umprovement!

I had an early morning spa when it was 3°. A cold front came in, but the sun remains and the predicted windstorm didn’t come—well, it came but it was not 70K winds. Then Sheba and I walked together.

My call with Dr. Shoja went well. My diary system works just fine and I did some mush talking that she could understand. She agrees with my conviction that I am worse because of understanding, accepting and grieving the neglected child label. She understood completely, accepting that my emotional understanding of my abuse is the reason for my decline.

I was chuffed to find that mush talk serves some function. I get blocks when I use it, so it is not reliable. But it can sometimes save me from a bit more typing. I taught Dr. S. two basic signs that I use a lot. I may be teaching all my friends a few basic signs.

I discovered yesterday, that in BC I can give more than one person my power of representation, so I am going to do that. I’m going to ask Dwight, and someone who lives on the island. Then I am going to inform my bank, my accountant and my doctors about my representatives and include copies of the legal document so that I can get help with important personal things from a speaking person.

After chatting with Dr. S., Sheba and I went for a second walk. I’m so glad that we did that because walking in such glorious sunshine is excellent for my spirit. My soul soars on such a day. Walking was spectacular. Then we came home for lunch.

And Steve called. I was able to speak with him. It wasn’t smooth, there were lots of blocks, but it was good enough to communicate. I did not use the chat service. And on the trail, words came out to a person I passed. I felt better. I had hope. I wondered if talking with Dr. S., which has often helped me feel better in the past, was the reason.

Then my Tezspire arrived and our power went out. The drug is supposed to go directly into the fridge, but I did not want to turn the generator on. I wanted to go for our third walk and then put it on. So, I put the Tezspire, still in its ice case, in the shed and we walked the Ricki trail, and I was able to connect to the Hydro website on my phone to learn that a crew was onsite at the source of the problem.

When we got home, the power was on. I put my drug into the fridge, and I called the pharmacy via the relay service to get a return label for the box. I always ask them to send one, and they very often forget.

Throughout the day, I was back and forth with St. Paul’s trying to figure out how I was going to talk to Dr. Hull today. Their technician left making the arrangements rather late. I had to write to ask for clarification. But the tech nurse is a nice person. Still, negotiating for a way that I can communicate is a bitch. It takes a lot of planning and arranging with everyone I want to communicate with. But////

Last night I called Beth and I was able to speak well with her. Very well, in fact, and this after speaking rather well with Steve. It seems like my capacity with friends is much better, so I was a bit shocked and sad to discover that this morning I couldn’t. talk to my beloveds. I’m very confused about what is going on now, but I am more hopeful for my future. Today, I Zoom with my HIV doctor, Dr. Hull. I’ll see how it goes.

Three more days of sunshine, then, I hope, two days of rain. We need rain! I shall read and I may do some yard work. I also need to do some work for SPACE. I’ll play today by ear.

Dr. Shoja Day

Monday began with a slew of domestic chores. I wanted to get everything done in the house that I wanted to do so that I could enjoy being outdoors if I wanted to for the remainder of the day. But nothing is pressing.

We walked with our friends at 9:30. I could speak my much-speak to say a word here and there with my friends. I can still make people laugh. After our walk, we went shopping and I came home to make some spicy African Peanut Chicken Soup. I love it. But after I ate, I crashed. I was so done, all I could do was nap and read. There was to be no yard work yesterday.

These tiny blue flowers permeate the moss in a nearby meadow.

I have reached the “I don’t give a fuck” stage of non-verbalism. I truly don’t care about it anymore because I can text and mush-talk with friends, and that’s all I need to feel secure in my friendships. More than ever, I love my time alone with my pets. And in the spa.

I had a soak in the early afternoon, and much to my chagrin, pollen made its way into the water. It’s only an aesthetic problem, and it will clear up in time. Once I was done, I came in to cool off and get dressed so that I could take Her Highness for our afternoon walk. Heavy winds are predicted; I may lose my power yet again. I hope not!

Our native Currants are in bloom all through the forest.

Last night, I worked all night on my text for my session with Dr. Shoja today. I started preparing my communications plan for us. I started keeping notes for her immediately when I went mute. Between March 20 and April 5, I didn’t date them; now I do. Each week, I will write a little intro and then situate her as to where we are in the diary, copying and pasting, MS Word to Zoom chat feature, one or two paragraphs at a time.

And so it will go. Two diaries now.

 The first blooms of bazillions on my big Rhodo are out!

On Sunday night on Kanopy, I watched a thoroughly enjoyable film called Ex Husbands. I meant to write about it yesterday but forgot. Reading about it, did not invite me in at all, but one star is James Norton, and I just love looking at the man. He is so deliciously handsome. But the film quickly drew me in because the writing is spot on. I loved every second of it.

Today, finally, I see Dr. S. I’m totally ready. I’m proud of the preparatory work that I’ve done, and of my plan for how we can communicate. I have the rest of the day to myself, and it’s going to be another beauty of a day. We have four more days of sunshine in the forecast and then, thankfully, we are due some showers.

As I write this, I have three hours to wait until I see the good doctor. I will walk Her Highness before I turn on Zoom.

Progress

Woo hoo! It was My Day yesterday, and what a stunningly beautiful day it was! I got out my lounge chair so that I could rest in the warm sunshine, but I wasn’t into resting. I wanted to be active, so we did a lot of walking yesterday and I worked in the garden and yard.

At 6:00, I Zoomed with Tracey. I’m staying in our group, at least for a while more. She is such a kind, warm, wonderful person. I get free advice from a great speech therapist from her. I had a seizure during our call. I’m having a lot of them again. I valued the call. It gave me a sense of what it is going to be like chatting with Dr. S. 

We finished up at 6:30, and then I lit the fire and had my shower. Then we went walking. I like to walk early so that I avoid running into people. We walked on one of my preferred trails, and we had a good long morning walk. And when we got back, I got started on garden work. I added more soil to the bed I made yesterday, and then I raked the driveway. I like cleaning the driveway, getting rid of the little branches and cones, because it makes Pinecone Park look great from the road.

When the driveway was done. It was killing time. I sawed one of my Azaleas off at ground level. It was a very sick plant, and it was time for it to go. And then, because it was My Day, I decided to do some reading. A bit of R&R seemed like a good thing. Today, I have a clear agenda, so I can do more work today.

I read outside in the sunshine. I loved it, but I soon got restless and so Her Highness and I went for a lovely long walk together in the 707 Park. It was a very pleasant 15°, too hot for a coat and my hoodie. I was a sweaty mess when I got home. But once home, Sheba got onto our bed for a nap, and I got into the spa.

We passed a couple on a blanket having a picnic in the park. They looked so lovely in one of the meadows we pass on that trail. And later, I came upon a man with his dog. And guess what happened? I spoke rather well! The forest, the sunshine and Summer-like temperatures, his dog, I reckon all those things helped me get words out.

I’m on a journey, learning each day a little more about this version of my voice. When I have guests, I reckon I’ll be able to say some words. It was a great day and a great walk. And being in the sunshine and in the spa when I got home was wonderful too!

•

I feel better about my voice today. Then days in, and I’m more focused on ‘carrying on’ than in stewing about my changed level of fluency. There’s too much to be happy about at this time of year. 

We shall walk with our friends this morning, and the rest of the day will be spent in sunshine, working and reading. The temperature is predicted to be 19° this afternoon. I have my doubts, but it’s going to be a great day no matter what the temperature. 

All Day in the Garden

At 6:30 yesterday morning, as the treetops started to shimmer in the golden light of the rising sun, I slid into the spa. It felt wonderful. I was in there for half an hour feeling blissful. What a great, great start to my eighth silent day. Eight days that feel like a year, but I looked forward to a bright sunny and warm day outside with Her Highness walking and working in the yard.

 A Barred Owl watched us as we walked.

Last night was my worst night yet. If I think ahead, I get very scared about my day, the coming week, forever. What I’d like to do, if find another silent person because with another person like me, I would not be self-conscious about being so slow to type my part of the conversation.

I knew that I had to go shopping, so I went early in hopes of not seeing anyone I knew. And we walked before shopping, and what a spectacular walk we had! The forest fragrances are so inspiring in the morning, and the sunshine and sparkle of early morning had me high on nature. I have a new trail I love to walk with Sheba: no hills and beautiful sights along the way.

When we came home for an outside day at Pinecone Park. I have a great, sunny and warm week ahead of me. It’s something to look forward to. Also, working outside means I may encounter some neighbours. I’m not afraid of them. I will feel more relaxed when they all know.

Hydro installed a new pole down the street from me, and they left a small pile of gravel. They use gravel to fill the hole once the new pole is installed, and they left behind their excess. My first goal of the day was to take the bed out of the van, install a large bin that I have and to steal the gravel.

I talked to the Hydro guy weeks ago when they installed the pole. He couldn’t give me permission to take the gravel, but he also encouraged me to take it because no one will use it. It will just sit there forever, the little pile. So, off I went this morning to begin my life of crime.

I fetched two large bins full and covered the muddy, bald part of my driveway very nicely. There was enough gravel to go back for a third load, but I was beat after loading up the two bins full and then distributing them over the driveway. I came in for a rest. I needed it. I walked into the house like a zombie.

I let my rest period extend until lunchtime. Then I was ready for my next task, which was putting the car and its bed in the back, back in order. And then, I got rid of one dying Azalia, and then I got started with moving some big rocks from the front yard to the back where I want to build a bed between two trees. Lifting the rocks into the wheelbarrow was hugely taxing, but I did it. Now I must find more rocks to finish the edging around the bed I’m making. 

Sheba and I went to search for rocks. A friend told me about a place I might be able to get some, so off we went, and I found four large rocks on a forested hill beside the road. I rolled the rocks into the ditch, and then I had to roll them up the other side of a deep, deep ditch. I thought I was going to die. The work was way outside my comfort zone.

Lifting them into the car almost burst my gut. Lifting them out again to put them into my wheelbarrow once I got home, was brutal. Plus, I was feeling badly because I backed into my house and broke the lights on my car. Sigh. I also moved some large rocks that were on my property. A good start has been made on the bed I want to create.

I needed a good rest once half of the bed was built. Then I went out to finish the other side with the last of the rocks I had. I’m going to see if Eoin and François have the few more rocks that I need. They have lots of land and lots of rocks. I’ve been wanting to make this bed for years. Finally, it’s done. Tezspire is bring back life to Pinecone Park as well as to me.

Look at the size of the rocks I harvested!

I ordered five of these buttons (below). They are 3” in diameter. I think that they will reduce my anxiety about encountering people. I will be able to point to the button for those who don’t notice on their own. Adaption!

By 15:00, I was done for the day. It was time for Sheba’s second walk. It was spectacular to be walking in glorious sunshine and lovely warm air. And it’s going to be like this for a week, they say. I get to do more outside work today and every day this week. It’s like Summer out there. What perfect timing to fill the spa! It’s nice not to need a fire.

After the spa, I was pooped. What a full, wonderful day I had. And at the nursery, where I got soil and plants, I felt fine getting things done with notes. Clarence was on the till. I adore him. We always have a good laugh together, but today I showed him a note I have on file in my phone, telling him I am mute now. He said, “Oh, I am so tempted to take advantage of you now that you can’t answer back.” I loved that. He spoke to me, and then he didn’t make a joke about me like he might have. He made me feel great. It was a good experience for me.

•

Holy shit. A day pass at Whistler Mountain where I used to love to ski, is now $305. Skiing there means playing with the rich and idiots. A class action suit has been filed against them for inflating the cost of day passes to push customers into buying multi-day passes that make single days less expensive. Greed. It makes me sick. Greed has made Broadway shows financially inaccessible to most people as well.

Pollen on the car window. Taken from inside the car.

The back deck is yellow with pollen. We’re having a very heavy pollen yield this year. Regardless, I will be outside a lot today. It’s predicted to be 18° this afternoon, and 19° tomorrow, and we’re predicted to have sunny clear skies every day until Saturday. Saturday it’s supposed to rain. I hope it comes.

I zoom at 6:00 this morning with Tracey, my co-lead of the STAMMA neurogenic stutterers group; she’s a speech language pathologist. My inclination is to drop out of both my UK and BC stuttering support groups. I’ll find out this morning what Tracey thinks.