Rake, rake, rake. That’s what a big part of yesterday was: raking. Now there are piles of cones and crap scattered around the back yard. I have yet to do the front. Today I go to Chemainus for a bone density scan, so I will not be doing much yard work today—not that I mind.
I also did a lot of watering considering that today will be a busy day. I was up early this morning, spot watering in advance of my departure. I also took time to think about what I want to make and serve to Bonnie and Sue on Friday night because I can do some shopping in Nanaimo on my way to Chemainus.
I finished my wonderful book yesterday. Let the Great World Spin, by Colum McCann is a fabulous five hundred-page read. I loved it, but like a lot of Irish literature, it has plenty of sadness in it. However, it is so well written, the sadness is secondary to the majesty of the text.
By early afternoon, I was beat. I seem to tire far more easily now, partly because I am so old, and partly because my days begin so early. When I begin working at 5:00, I’m tired by 13:00 or 14:00. Yesterday, I came into the house to chill and cool down at 13:30.
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After my breakdown, I had Chris and Frani as guests. We became friends in the mid-seventies. Chris built the theatre I designed. They welcomed me into their lives. I housed their children, we often travelled together, and their daughter became particularly close friends, she and her husband and children.
On this night of their visit, we’d been friends for fifty-two years. Chris had recently been diagnosed with MS. When the subject came up, I mentioned that he and I had something new in common: a neurological disease. Frani went berserk.
“How dare you compare your issue with MS. How dare you.” That’s how she started. I tried to explain about FND, but she wasn’t hearing it. I told her I’d been diagnosed by a VGH psychiatrist, and that I get her counselling services free for life. And instead of accepting what I told her, she mocked me for believing Dr. Shoja.
The next morning, over breakfast, we all acted like normal and I have never heard from them again except in response to my appeals to fix our friendship. I was hurting over the loss of them for several years. They had called me ‘family.’ I was deeply, deeply hurt.
The thing that stood out in my head, was Frani expressing absolute shock and disgust about my diagnosis. When I explained again what Dr. Shoja had explained to me about my stuttering and seizures, Frani said, “And you believed her?”
It made me think. My first thought was that it was going on my medical record, whether I believed it or not. But I did believe it. The hard part for me was hearing Dr. Shoja refer to me as a neglected child. That was a serious gut punch for me. But I always knew Don and Connie didn’t care about me. But there was one thing that made me certain: a recurring dream.
In my dream, I’m on the top of a very large hill. It’s a sunny day, and the hill is covered in grass. From the top of the hill, I watch a cruise ship dock in a bay far below. And from that ship come a great crowd of people. They look like bees swarming, coming toward the hill.
The disappear so I engage with the landscape, and then suddenly, from every direction, comes the crowd. The surround me, and the person in front of me joins hands with the person behind me, and as soon as they’ve joined hands, their grasp is broken and two people, one on each side, step into a small circle with me in the middle. And the circle grows until the crowd had formed an enormous circle on the mountaintop, and I am alone in the middle.
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I ended the day doing my notes for my next session with Dr. S. I keep a diary, just for our meetings. Often I write quite long texts so that I can read them to Dr. S. When I read, I can speak better than I can with my normal disability. It makes me, I think, a good patient.
Some people might proffer their dreams. Not me. Dr. S. and I talk about human contact mostly. It’s being with people that causes me to be mute often, speak poorly in all other occasions, and to have seizures. I’m afraid of people, so I’m learning how to best manage being with friends when I have visitors.
This summer went excellently. Steve’s visit was short, and both Beth and Steve were considerate, warm, wonderful people. I had the most wonderful time. I could happily spend the rest of my life alone, so thank God for my friends who occasionally gently nudge me out of my comfort zone. And then I get to come home with my family of pets and watering.
I wish things weren’t this way. The miracle is how happy I am every day.
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Here are some photos from last evening’s walkabout. (Click on them to enlarge them, but when you do you lose the captions.)
| In the backyard at sunset. I love the golden hour. |
| Slowly, flowering vines are covering the fence around the edible garden. |
| Plums off my tree are DELICIOUS! |
| My largest Poker: red, orange and yellow/ |
| Little DELICIOUS apples on my little tree. |
| Where once there was mud and garbage, there is now abundant greenery. |
| The large bed under six large Fir trees is thriving in spite of having to fight the trees for water. |
| This area I once called The Wasteland, but now it is looking better as I have done a lot of spot planting. My new bird bath is on the left. |
| The trellis houses four bird houses plus nests in the foliage. the new feeder hanging above the fountain in the photo, and the fountain gives the birds water. A complete bird paradise. |
| Virgina Creeper is moving along the railing of the back deck. With the greenery below, the entrance area to the backyard is getting greener. |
| The sky this morning! |













































