A Surprise at the Clinic

Yesterday afternoon it was 22°! It’s the best antidote to Covid misery possible. Everyone was in great spirits during our group dog walk and when it was done, I went shopping before coming home to water my gardens. It is desert dry here and my poor plants need water desperately—especially as it’s Spring and they are in full growing mode. It felt good to feed them.

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The good news: My speech is improving! It really is! I spoke acceptably with Dr. Magic (whom I really, really like). And when I got home, I called Bruce and spoke well with him, so things are looking up in terms of my mental health. I mean, my speech is still laboured, but I’m not even close to mute.

The bad news is the reason Dr. Magic called me in, and it’s a bummer: My kidneys are failing. He showed me a chart of my kidney “levels” (?) over the past four years that looked like a profit/loss charting of economic collapse. It was even in red. 

More tests are coming my way over the next few months; the reason for the decline is to be determined and stopped. Dr. Magic is going to talk to my HIV docs about reducing the dosage of my HIV medications that are not getting cleaned out of my body and building up in my blood. Dr. Magic was calm, so I am too. It’s been detected early. All plans about travel are off for now. I’m sticking around here until the dust settles.

Besides the speech and kidney issues, I’m having a really nasty asthma attack. I’m contacting the asthma clinic today to see if I can/should get a nebulizer treatment at the Nanaimo hospital. Just fuck. But I reckon the best medicine for me right now is cake. I may be baking later today.

It all feels rather tick-tocky. On the plus side, for me, I’m back to being diligent with my asthma medications, and I feel I can handle anything except depression, fear, anger or regret.  

When I got home, there was an email from my friend Bruce. We’d been in an email conversation back and forth all morning, but after reading his latest email, I decided to call him. I told him my news and he mentioned that Peter, the husband of our friend Angela, does dialysis at home. Like an arrow, that news hit dead centre of the target of my fears. If it comes to that, dialysis at home is tolerable.

One god is an archer. I am a Sagittarian.

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Today, I've lots of yard work to do. I've to mow the lawn, do more seeding of the front lawn, and watering and edging to do. And then the cake to make.

Is Issa the Reason?

My friends, Eoin’s and François’s, pigs, lying in yesterday's sunshine.

Zooming with Dr. Shoja was intense. Next time, she says, she’s going to try to teach me how to feel “safe” when I’m with people. She says that’s the way to speak better. 

She asked me what I thought made me get worse. I told her I had no idea. She asked if it might be because I’d started seeing her again. I told her I did not think that was the problem, and then, out of nowhere, I started talking about Leo’s and Merrill’s baby, Issa; I think that she may be the reason I got worse now.

Issa is a happy baby. She smiles readily and her huge eyes take in everything. I adore her and Merrill is generous with her and me; she lets me hold Issa whenever I want. To be around Issa, is to want to touch her. I adore her, and it’s been interesting to feel the strong draw to her in me. That powerful draw made me think about its absence in Connie and Don Tyrell.

Before I met Dr. Shoja, I thought the only problem in our family was my father’s brutality, but Dr. S. believes that their inattention, they’re banning me to my room all the time and never touching me or doing anything with me, their complete indifference all day every day, was far, far worse and I believe her. I reckon Issa’s presence in my life may be the reason I sank lower into this condition I have.

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When Dr. S. and I were finished, I took Sheba for a nice long warm beautiful walk, then I came home and went to bed. I did not feel like doing anything except resting. The hour of talking wore me out. 

On the plus side, it was the nicest day of the year, so far. It was just beautiful, but I wanted nothing to do with it. I just wanted to rest. But my afternoon was a delight, our walk was done with me in a t-shirt, shorts and sandals and nothing beats that.

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Today I do the morning walk with our friends. When I do some food shopping and then I’ll come home to do yard work until it’s time to go to the medical clinic to find out what my blood tests revealed that’s of concern to my local doctor. 

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There is still naught but sunshine and warm temperatures in the forecast. We’re not going to have any mosquitoes this year because there is absolutely no standing water anywhere except out local lakes and ponds that are far, far from my house.  

Dr. Shoja Day

Monday began with a walk with my fellow dog walkers, then I came home to read about, and watch videos about, Functional Neurological Disorder. The majority of sufferers have paralysis of limbs; seeing them made me very grateful that I’m fully mobile. In all the reading and watching I did, I learned nothing at all about the conditioning worsening. I did, however, read about many people whose condition cleared up entirely.

After that, I did some tidying of the yard for Leo’s and Merrill’s visit at happy hour. It’s still too cold for me to truly enjoy working on the gardens, but today should be the start of my being much, much more comfortable outside (see above). There’s so, so much to do, having welcoming weather will have me getting the gardens in great shape. Plus, I can hardly wait to have a nap in the sunshine on my lounge chair.

But yesterday wasn’t for napping. I tidied the shed, weed wacked the wooden garden path, cleaned the courtyard, chopped lots of wood and prepped the deck for hosting Leo and Merrill at four. I’m going to get lots done this week as the weather seduces me outside. I must say, whereas my front lawn has been a tough one to keep healthy looking, my backyard is looking fabulous.

Right now, when walking in the woods, I’ll often see a cloud of deep pink in the forest and I’ll know there’s a wild Currant bush there that’s in full magnificent bloom. And there’s a rather nondescript bush that has pendulous small white blossoms that is blooming right now as well, and its flowers, like many white flowers, have the most luscious fragrance. It’s a Jasmin-like heavenly scent.

Merrill’s and Leo’s (and Issa’s) visit was really lovely, but it would have been nicer happening when the sun was hitting the deck. Instead, we came inside. It was really nice to just relax and be with two really lovely people and their gorgeous, wonderful baby. I couldn’t wish for nicer neighbours. We have part of the fence to fix that separates out yards, and I mentioned the idea of putting a gate in to make visiting easier, and they’d had the same idea, so that’s what we’re going to do! They also said, several times, that they hope we’ll get together as we did today, regularly through the Summer. 

But the best part of the get-together, was how well I spoke. I’m not truly mute—at least not at home or when I’m with someone I trust. I can talk to my pets, too. When I’m with friends away from my home, things get worse with friends and impossible with waiters, clerks, dentists, doctors, post office staff, etcetera. I’m playing a game and trying to understand the rules.

When they left, it was time for dinner and the couch. I started watching Us on DBD Gem and I’m really enjoying it. It’s quite funny and the locations are to die for. The very first scene is of the couple in bed and she says to him that the marriage is over. However, they decide to vacation together with their son before they split. The series is what happens on the vacation. I quite love it.

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Finally, it’s Tuesday. I Zoom with Dr. Shoja at 9:00. I’m seriously looking forward to what she has to say about the change in my condition.