I Fuck Up

Wednesday was a day I’d been waiting for since June. I am sick of worrying about my health and heart. I am constantly thinking about it, and I want this story to end one way or another. So, off I went over ice and deep packed snow to the ferry, worried about the two hills between me and the boat. It was hard to leave Sheba behind, but friends were coming by to visit and let her out.

I could not eat before leaving and I had to stop drinking Diet Coke Monday night. I was carrying water with me as that was all I could consume until the test was over. And let me tell you, the test was a walk in the park. What a vast, vast difference from my MIBI in 1990. This was quick and easy. Today’s test will be much longer.

My re-entry to home was nasty! When I got home, I had a dozen emails from PayPal and my bank because I had been hacked and I spent two hours in a lot of stress dealing with the problems, and when I was done, and wanted a drink, I saw the brownies and cut myself a very small piece. Stress makes me crave sugar.

A few hours later, I realized with horror and shame, what I had done. I tried to call the nuclear medicine people but there was only an answering machine. And I have to leave my island at 7:30 this morning to get here in time to make my appointment and report my mistake.

I will pay for this mistake because my doctor, Dr. Chen, will not get the information he needs to diagnose my problem. Also, if they choose to do the second test, I know that may mean waiting another 6 months, and it will be very hard for me during that time of waiting. But I may abandon hope of my docs finding and fixing the problem because this morning I saw the results of yesterday’s test online. The only thing mentioned of a problematic nature is the aneurism, but it seems to be something to monitor rather than fixing. Sigh.

I’m in the dumps folks. I’m feeling that I may just have to live with this problem. I can do that. It won’t be easy or pleasant, but I’m still alive and I’m good at adapting.

No photos today. I’m too rushed and disappointed.

Off to be Radiated

 Tuesday dawned cold and bright. With so much snow covering everything and reflecting what little light there was at 5:00 am, it was silent and beautiful when I went outside for wood. I wore by high rubber boots because the snow is so very, very deep. So much for hoping for a snowless Winter.

I fed the birds, and they are very, very happy—especially the gorgeous golden Varied Thrushes that are terribly abundant this year. But I did not walk Sheba in the morning, hoping the snowplow might come along our street and that we could walk around the block in the afternoon.

Well, the snowplow never came, but neither did more snow. So, in the afternoon, I put crampons on my gumboots and walked Sheba around the block, walking in the tire tracks to lesson my load.

All day, I kept checking the My Health website looking for the results of my echocardiogram, but all it said all day what it has said all week: “Pending February 4^th.” But finally, at 4:30, it was posted, but it’s all medical jargon and I cannot understand it all. But it seems to indicate no problem except for one sentence that might be a clue” “There is a small apical LV aneurysm. No obvious apical LV thrombus although this cannot be definitively excluded without contrast.” Sigh. I have learned nothing from these results. 

By dinnertime the sky was quite bright. There were even moments of sunshine. It was a delightful way to end the day. And this morning I arose to find that no snow fell during the night. What a relief! I am optimistic that I will be able to get to the ferry and onto it this morning. I’m off for my first MIBI scan, and the plan is for a second one tomorrow (but there’s a slight chance the second one may be cancelled). 

I can’t believe that I’m about to have radioactive isotopes put into my blood stream later this morning. But this afternoon, I get to pick up a burger on my way to the ferry on my return trip. Then home to Sheba, the kitty cats, the fire, and then my bed.

Major Snowfall

It snowed all day, and for much of the day it was a snow apocalypse. When I went to the village, I had a scare going up the hill with a cliff on my right side because I started skidding. But I made it. On the way home, on the same hill, I passed two trucks that had slid off the road and into the ditch on the uphill side of the road. 

Dave’s flight from Costa Rica was cancelled and so I spent part of the day trying to find someone to come and feed Sheba at noon tomorrow. And I read. The miracle was that I passed the day without a nap. That is a first for a long, long time. 

We didn’t do an afternoon walk. I could not face trudging through deep snow. It would seriously exhaust me and put a strain on my heart, so we just chilled all day. She did get some play time with Sosa from next door, so that was good.

The day just flew by. I am both happy and lucky that I thrive in solitude. I’m so happy that my self-imposed house arrest is not challenging for me. I just LOVE being at home with the pets and the fire in Winter, and the gardens in Summer. My love of this house and island has been constant and extreme since moving here.

There was more snow through the night. We are covered in a very thick carpet of white. There will be no walking of Her Highness today. I shall hope all day that the snowplows work today to clear the roads so that tomorrow I can get to the ferry to go to the hospital.

Suddenly I am certain something will be revealed by these tests. I no longer think there is any possibility that they will not find the cause. Carrying wood in this morning, what with all the snow, was brutal. That’s what convinced me a cause will be found. 

❄️👎

Zoom has all these fun features that we discovered together during our BC Stuttering support group Zoom yesterday morning. This is one look I made for myself as I talked with my friends.

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The morning attempts of snowfall failed. By ten in the morning, the sun was out, and the entire sky was blue. When I Zoomed with my BC stuttering friends, they showed me the accumulation in Vancouver, and it was deep. Thank God we missed that big dump here. Then, early in the afternoon came the clouds and another attempt at a snowfall. It was a five-minute blizzard, but nothing stuck.

I wondered what would happen through the night and today is predicted to be a heavy snowfall day. I really don’t want any accumulation of snow because walking will be so hard on me. God, I hope my docs find out what is wrong with me.

We went to Rollo Park to play fetch in the late afternoon. We hadn’t played fetch for months and Her Highness was delighted. And so was I because there were a dozen young men in very sexy sporty gear playing soccer in the park, and several wonderful friendly doggers. As we left, it again tried to snow but failed. Hooray!

Instead, the snow arrived today. It has been snowing since I arose at five am. I’m a little worried about getting to the hospital on Wednesday. My car goes fairly well in the snow, so I’ll just hope for the best. All I want to do is stay warm today by the fire.

Fear

Last night I went out to fetch some wood. I chose to select two robust but not big pieces and carried them into the house. No problem. And then WHAM! I was really struggling to breath. It got scary for me. I felt myself close to tears. I took a deep breath in and forced myself to breath through my nose. In out, in out, in out. It went on for a long time. I have learned my lesson.

I see three possible outcomes from my three cardiac tests:

1.    They find nothing to account for my condition in my heart.

2.    A coronary occlusion—a blockage of plaque in a coronary artery.

3.    A problem with a cardiac valve.

I’ll be very disappointed if no reason for my weakness is discovered. I have no idea whatsoever what to do if that happens. One option, obviously, is to live with it and carry on. But this incident last night makes me want to keep fighting to know because it is so incredibly debilitating. Like I need another chronic problem.

Occlusions are easy fixes. It’s done through the arterial system. It’s miraculous. The operation for fixing valves frightens the bejesus out of me.

I once lost use of my left arm. I had to manually move my left arm with my right one, and every time I took a step downstairs, my neck would throb with mind-numbing pain. The correction was spinal surgery, and I was afraid of that one as well. When he told me I needed surgery, I declined. But I came to my senses the next day, called him back, and had the surgery.

On the plus side, carrying those two pieces of wood in for the fire last night had me waking up in a warm house this morning, and that’s pretty wonderful when it is as cold outside as it is now. We’ve been having pathetic snow flurries this morning, and that suits me just fine. Walking in snow is exhausting, so if we get a real snowfall, walking Sheba will be brutal.

Now, as I go to post this, it is snowing much more seriously. Pooey. But I shall ignore the weather and concentrate on reading, eating and cooing with Fred, Ethel and Her Highness because today is My Day!

Lion's Mane mushroom. My neighbour sells
them in a roadside stand.