The forecast was for rain, but the day began with reasonably bright skies and it stayed nice and bright all day. Sheba didn’t ask to go outside until late in the morning. When she did, I did my best to make her bandage water resistant before letting her out. I spent the morning reading after doing my morning chores and lighting a particularly large fire because it was cold in the house. I’d let the fire go out in the late afternoon on Saturday, and I didn’t light a fire last night.
It was a lovely day, but we didn’t walk. Her Highness was limping very badly and so we stayed indoors. I wanted to stay with her all day so that there were no further problems with her treatment of her feet. I read most of the day.
At 11:00 it was very strange to see a heavy shower of light rain because the sun was shining and there were no clouds overhead. It was a short shower; I couldn’t see a rainbow for the trees. We had an early lunch, and I got back to reading and waited for Sheba to want to go outside for a poop. It always stresses me to see her in pain. She’s my best friend.
I spent the entire day struggling to keep blood off my clothes and the furniture. I could not get the wound on my leg to stop bleeding. Sigh. Every time I stood or walked, it started bleeding again. I suspect one of the drugs that I am on for my cardiac care is the reason.
I fed Her Lowness dinner. She just lies and rests or sleeps. She only rises for food and three times during the day when I walked her onto the front lawn to pee and poop. “Tomorrow will be better,” is what I kept thinking about all day yesterday. This is only the second bout of foot distress in well over a year. I have her on the lowest does possible of prednisone; it’s best for her. But that means there will be flare ups, but there won’t be the annual 12-15 bouts per year.
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Emotional understanding for me, comes an awfully long time after intellectual awareness, especially if what you are coming to terms with is something unpleasant or difficult. Since I’ve been spending so much more time alone, I am having a seizure every time I engage with a person or people. I’ve often said that it’s like being allergic to people, but I’ve just come to be feeling the horror of it.
I don’t seize and I am fluent with people I pass on the trials, and with delivery people. But with friends, my speech is bad-to-dreadful. Sadly, it’s my own friends, that I’m allergic to. When I realized this yesterday, I was woefully sad for quite a while. How horrid is that? To be allergic to people feels like a devil’s curse or some other such biblical dictate.
I’m going to talk about my allergy with Dr. Shoja. I reckon I know what she’s going to say because I’ve been listening for ten years, come April. My amygdala in my brain is damaged due to lack of nurturing growing up and betrays by those who might have cared for me. It, and therefore I, don’t trust, or are scared of people.
I’m truly sick of the weight of all this history that follows me and fills my brain with thoughts of my past all the time. I have a virus of memories. My speech and my seizures make it impossible to forget the past. They are attached to the story. For me, there’s no escape.
Was I prone to depression, I’d have committed suicide by now. I don’t have the guts for it. But I hoped sometimes a disease would come and take me out. Death without guilt; the suicide for Catholics. Instead, I am a relentlessly content/happy person. Especially so here, on Gabriola, where I walk in nature twice a day. Plus, I have pets whom I love.
Best of all, I have patience. I was in a hurry all my life. My bone spurs have slowed my gait, and asthma, my pace. And although I am a slightly damaged person, I feel more comfortable with my bad speech because I understand it better. Now, I know why Dwight is sometimes hard to speak with because I rely on him for so much.
Today will be about Sheba’s foot, foremost, and puttering. I must think through what I want to bake for Christmas to go with the turkey I’ve bought. I’m going to have an ideal holiday. One person only as a guest and cooking a turkey dinner together here in my house is pure perfection for me. I feel the holiday this way.
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Today is going to be a lot easier on us because Sheba is walking with a much less pronounced limp. Still, we won’t walk with our friends this morning. We’ll take a short walk in the hood.
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