Locked-In Again

Thursday dawned cold and bright. I am so sick of the cold. But next week is going to be spectacular. Once I dress warmly in the mornings, the cold becomes irrelevant, and once I start walking up the Ricki hill, I’m comfortably warm.

I awoke happy because I was able to speak to my pets, I had no obligations all day, and I had the most delicious pasta to look forward to for dinner, and no work to do to enjoy it—just a quick heating on the stove.

We walked and it was gorgeous. I was in heaven as we walked. Nothing was pressing on my mind, and I had all the time in the world to walk. It was lovely and we saw no one. And then we came home. I read and she slept, and soon it was lunchtime, and after lunch I walked over to Pete’s (Ali is away) and invited him for dinner. I had lots of past left. And then we went shopping for some dessert to serve Pete, and for our afternoon walk. 

I got registered with Jess’ company, and she is going to be in touch about a time to meet today. Yesterday, she wrote this to me: “I'm also wondering if what you've been experiencing since the 28th is aphonia, or lack of phonation (no voice) aside from the grunts you described. This can sometimes be related to tense or tight vocal cords which could be connected to your FND.”

This is from Google: “Aphonia is the total loss of voice, characterized by an inability to produce sound or speaking only in whispers due to vocal cord dysfunction. Causes range from vocal strain and infections to nerve damage or psychological trauma. Treatment involves vocal rest, therapy, or psychotherapy, with potential complications including severe anxiety and communication challenges.”

Pete and I had a lovely time together. He is a terrific guy and a fine, fine friend. He appreciated the meal, loved the pasta and he left at 21:00, allowing me to get to bed at a nice early hour.

I’m very excited about seeing Jess today. I’m enthused about learning techniques to help me communicate. Ten years of poor speech and this will be my first appointment with a speech therapist. I see her at 11:00 this morning. But I wonder how things will go. I appear to be back in lock-in this morning. I haven’t been able to speak to my beloveds this morning. 

“Locked in” is my term and it’s an apt description of how I feel. Something is blocking my speech; it feels locked up and unavailable to me. And I like saying locked “in” because everything is kept inside. All I want to say remains within me. I had three days of speech, and now I’m back behind bars. However, I am not freaked out because I know that there’ll be more days of speaking.

I can’t whisper but I can move my lips. I envy people who are constant, steady, who wake up each morning as the same self who went to bed. I have no idea what I’m in for each day when I wake up when it comes to capacity to speak, to communicate. It’s so fucking frustrating. Sigh.

We’ll walk with our friends this morning, then I’ll see Jess, and then I hope to finish my fourth Kate Atkinson novel. I’m glad that I saw Pete last night, but I’m really glad that I have the afternoon and evening to myself. The sun is shining but there are lots of clouds. It’s a good day to chill.