My Life with Functional Neurological Disorder

When was the last time you were really scared?

I am often aware of how safe my life is. Illness or accident are my greatest threats. I have never known life during a massive urban fire, an earthquake or any form of political/military action. My life is entirely safe so my greatest sense of fear comes from my dreams.

One night within the past month, I woke up bloodied. Another night, I woke up with a large bump on my forehead that became a lovely blue bruise. I concluded I was doing something during the night because I have a long (but sporadic) history of sleep walking and nocturnal "thrashing" in my bed.

The thing is, however, I never remember my nighttime activities. I only know about them because my father, or my partner or friends with whom I am vacationing have been awakened by my activities and seen them. But last night was different.

Last night I fell out of bed but for the first time in my life, I woke up as I was falling. And, at the same time, I was having a dream that some women, veiled so I could not see their faces, were spraying a drug at me from an aerosol bottle that was making me fall unconscious. The sense of physical falling (out of bed) coincided exactly with the feeling (in my dream) of losing consciousness.

For a millisecond I believed I was being drugged and something horrid was going to happen to me. That was hours ago, sometime in the night, and I am still not over it. It was the most unsettling thing to happen to me in a long, long time.