Wednesday, July 13, 2016

This is life with PTSD.

You know that feeling when you go to take another step up that isn't there? Or down? For me, perhaps a second or so after the misstep, I get a rush of "shock" through my body. It's a kind of frightened feeling I get, with a sense of warmth and tingling.

That is what happens to me often every day, but without any misstep. No matter where I am or what I am doing, it will suddenly start welling up inside of me. It's very hard to describe, but it feels like pressure to me... kind of like I am going to explode. I know I am not going to explode, of course, but I feel horrible when it happens and I become a stuttering trembling mess.

I rarely know what has triggered the feeling so I asked Dr. Shoja to explain it and she gave me a welcome, healing explanation. I feel exalted calmness just writing that sentence. I've been struggling to see patterns, to make a list of triggers in order to minimize my stress but now I know that is an impossible goal; ten years of abuse produces a galaxy of triggers.

Her insight has allowed me to relax a little. This is life with PTSD.

And locked at home to minimize symptoms, I do simple baking sometimes. I found some small plastic ice trays at the dollar store and I used them to make salted white chocolate, lemon and macadamia nut candies. I topped them with crushed pistachios. They ain't exactly elegant, but they taste like angels.

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