Please select your reason for
unsubscribing:
❏ This is temporary. I’ll be
back!
❏ It’s not you; it’s me.
❏ I never signed up for this
level of commitment.
❏ I met someone else.
If you chose ANY OF THESE, please explain
in as many words as possible:
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________.
Would you like to continue to receive calls
and texts?
❏ Yes. We are both going to need
some time to get closure.
❏ Only on my birthday/other major
holidays.
❏ Not from you.
❏ Who is this? New phone.
What about our plans to go to Cabo?
❏ I’m sure as hell not going.
❏ You can still go, if you want to.
❏ I was drunk when we talked about that.
Was quitting smoking not good enough?
❏ No.
❏ It was only a start.
❏ It was never about the smoking,
Alan.
Did you block me on Facebook or is there
something wrong with my account?
❏ I blocked you.
Can I continue to use your Netflix log-in?
❏ No, that privilege has been revoked.
❏ Wait, I never said you could use my
log-in.
❏ Fuck it. All right.
Where am I supposed to live?!
❏ Go back home and live with your
parents.
❏ I’m sure you could crash on a
buddy’s couch for a while.
❏ I don’t care.
What can we do in future to better improve
our services?
❏ Spend some time alone and learn how
to truly love yourself.
❏ Get a job.
❏ Just listen for goddam once.
❏ Nothing could really help.
Would you recommend our services to
friends?
❏ I can’t say that I would.
❏ Why would you even ask that?
❏ Wait, are you talking about
someone specific?
Would it upset you if I asked out Carol?
❏ No.
❏ CAROL?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
If you answered “No,” please fill in
Carol’s phone number here:
(___)___-_____.
By Nick Bateman and Hallie Bateman;
Published in the New Yoker May 17, 2016
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