Fatigue is My Middle Name

Sunday got off to a slow, slow start. All four of us were happy to laze away the early part of the morning. It was My Day, so anything at all could happen and nothing at all was a must. I did find myself wanting to clean up the crap on the courtyard and all the weeds I’d pulled, so I got to that before we went on our morning walk together. 

It was such a nice temperature Yesterday. I could work without sweating, and I have lots of energy in the mornings, as well. So, I was thrilled to find myself wanting to stay awake and not be in bed. I loved seeing the yard emerge from my work looking so much cleaner with all the cones gone. 

First, I raked 85% of the backyard, creating large piles of detritus here and there, and then I got the wheelbarrow and started cleaning up the piles. Slowly, the piles disappeared, and the yard looked rather good, even though a lot of weeds remain. The number of weeds is thoroughly depressing. I shall dig up more, but it’s a hopeless task to want all of them gone. 

Mid-afternoon, I hit the wall, came indoors and went to bed. Dealing with my breakdown and its aftermath was a serious challenge. I had to get used to being quite a different person. Instead of upgrades, my life lately seems to be a series of downgrades. I am not used to being a person morbidly fatigued by modest tasks. 

I slept for quite a while, and we did not go for an afternoon walk. I just didn’t feel up to doing anything except making dinner. Doing chores exhausts me, but I know that I’ll keep at it. I’ve a modest sized patch of the yard left to rake. I may do it today. When that last bit is done, nothing further is pressing other than watering.

Woo hoo! It rained in the night, and it’s raining again now. There’ll be no watering for me today. Instead, I’m going into Nanaimo to get special food for the cats that I can’t get here on the island. I usually get it via the post, but that’s out now that the strike is on. So, I’ll pick up some sushi for dinner and treat myself to a lunch somewhere.

A Write-Off Day

We walked Friday morning with our friends. It was rough going for me now that I’m off prednisone. But we managed to walk for an hour, then we came home to futz about before going to Silva Bay to meet the boys for lunch. It was great to be together. Everyone was glad that I proposed our Firetruck lunch. The best thing about lunch was hearing from Jay that he, too, is on a drug for which he needed permission from the Special Authority agency. He got his drug, so I’m thinking I’ll get mine too!

When we got home, I went immediately to bed. I was wiped out from the walk and from lunch and I wanted to be strong for dinner with Nancy, Kris and Steve. I slept for over an hour. When I woke up, it was time to walk Her Highness. We went to Trailhead 6 and did a short walk, and then soon after returning home, it was time to feed the brood and then head to Woodfire to meet my friends for dinner.

It was stupid to arrange to have two social events in one day. I was still feeling wiped out as I headed to the restaurant. But what fun we had! We always have fun, the four of us. Kris reserved for 5:30, so we were finished by 7:30. When I got home, I went directly to bed, and I stayed in bed for eleven hours. And even with all that sleep, I had absolutely no energy at all on Saturday. I felt like a zombie; I had no appetite either. So, I lay on the recliner in the sun for a while in the morning and then got myself together to feed the brood at lunch time.

I had a sandwich for lunch and then I forced myself to water all the backyard beds. I did something practical! Hooray! I was glad to water them; I love all my little floral friends. And with that done, I pushed myself to take Her Highness for a walk in Elder Cedar.  

It was gorgeous in the grove, but I noticed little. My eyes were focused on the trail and all the roots within it. I just kept plodding along to give Her Highness some much needed exercise, and when I got home, back to bed for a good hour’s sleep. I reckon this wasting sensation is coming off prednisone. I have a bad day every time I stop taking it, about three days after stopping. When I woke up, I headed for the spa. It was a glorious 20° outside. It was a very beautiful day, as will be today, but tomorrow I’m hoping it’ll rain. 

After the spa, I still felt like a member of the zombie nation. I was shuffling, not walking, and I felt entirely flat—I had no energy at all. It was cold in the house, so I lit a fire to make myself feel better. It was lovely to be warm. I love how cool this house stays in Summer, but sometimes this sissy wants lots and lots of heat.

This morning has dawned overcast. It was the same yesterday, but all the clouds burned off yesterday and we had a spectacularly warm and lovely day. I’ll likely do some yard work as I am feeling more myself again. I’ve weeds that I pulled to dispose of, and I want to do some fertilizing. But it’s My Day, no if I do nothing at all, that’s okay too!

Party Day

Thursday dawned with clear blue skies, and I awoke in a fury over fucking Frani. What a drag. I wrote and told her that she was an addict who misremembers that night. It felt very, very, very good to call her an addict. Okay, enough said about her. She is dead to me now.

I got excited about the day as I did my morning rituals. I looked forward to being outside raking and tidying up Pinecone Park. Yesterday I worked, today, I play. I’m having lunch with the boys at Silva Bay, eating at the Firetruck food truck, and then tonight I eat at Woodfire with Nancy, Kris and Steve.

But yesterday was wonderful. No watering was required. Everything is good and wet, and so I just raked, rested and raked some more, and now I feel totally on top of maintenance. There are, of course, a million things I could to, and I will always be busy weeding or trimming, and until it gets too hot, I love having rests on my recliner in the sunshine.

Her Highness and I went for a short morning walk because I knew she’d be spending the day outdoors with me, getting exercise and greeting all my neighbours who passed by. Then, once home, I got down to work on the yard. I finished the weed whacking and then I got all the raking done that I wanted to do. Finally, the entire yard is free of all the shite that fell through the Winter.

There are a bajillion weeds in the fields. I decided to start pulling them with a great tool that I have, but all the bending got to me quite quickly. I was constantly out of breath, so progress was slow, and I was leaving little patches of dirt everywhere I removed the huge weeds. I’m concentrating on weeding the areas that are prominent to visitors. I can’t conceive of doing the entire half acre of weeding.

I can do about twenty minutes of weed pulling, and then I’m so tired I can barely lift my feet up the steps of the deck. It exhausts me, so I’m going to look at weed removers at the hardware store that you can use standing up. I think that will make things easier for me. It’s the bending over that kills me.

I got a hoe that has a sharp point, and it works well at getting the weeds up, but it still takes a lot of effort that exhausts me. I’ll just keep at it. When I was finally just too tired to continue, I watered the front beds. I reckon that between bouts of weeding, I’ll fertilize things because that is easy to do. There’s no bending down. 

By three o’clock, I was done. Sheba and I went to Elder Cedar to walk in the forest on a beautiful afternoon, and when we came home, I got into the spa. My workday was over, and I was looking forward to dinner and a movie. I love my evenings with the pets, just all of us chillin’ together.

Today has dawned clear and bright. It’s a perfect day for my lunch with ‘the boys’ at the food truck in Silva Bay. I’m really looking forward to seeing Jay, Eoin and François and having lunch in the sunshine together. Then tonight, dinner with Steve, Kris and Nancy at Woodfire. 

Five Years

Wednesday began under foreboding skies. Her Highness and I met some of our friends to walk the Ricki Ave. trail on my last day on prednisone. Ricki will be too hard for me again soon, unless the drug is approved or I go back on prednisone. After the walk, we went into the village. I had to pick up a prescription and more groceries.

As we walked, the rains came, and I had no proper coat. I was soaked to the skin when we were done, and then we went into the village to go shopping. When we got home, it was lunch time and then it was nap time. After such a busy day yesterday, I was wanting a chill day, but I did get some little basket plants planted into some of the containers on the porch.

To help Her Highness lose weight, we went to Rollo Park in the afternoon to play fetch. She absolutely loves playing fetch, but she doesn’t return the ball to me. I chose not to teach her to do that so that I got more exercise. Now, that’s a bit of a disappointment for me. The sun was out though, so it was wonderful to be in the park.

And when I got home, I slid into the spa. As it’s getting warmer, I reckon it’s time to lower the temperature of the tub. It’s too hot now, but what a treat to have such an amenity at my disposal. It was lovely to just chill in the warm water. I’ve not a care in the world to worry me. And once out, it was soon time to feed the brood and hit the chaise for the night.

•

I heard from Frani. She was distant but thanked me for writing. She says I hurt her but that she has forgiven me. That is fucking bull shit. I said nothing to her. All I did was ask questions: Why are you yelling at me? Why are you mad at me? She says that she will not talk about what happened. She’d had a liter of wine and smoked dope; I don’t trust her memory at all. Frankly, what she’s offering is not appealing. She owes me an apology, but it’s clear that won’t be coming. I only want good, easy, comfortable friendships at this point in my life.

My clock is ticking. Life expectancy with pulmonary fibrosis is five years. Hence Sam’s advice about things being in order. I don’t see the point in pursuing a friendship with someone who has judged me and feels that I have failed. I’m proud to admit culpability. When Steve said he wanted out of our relationship, he was a gentleman. He took full responsibility for wanting out. He didn’t blame me. However, I responded to say that I understood. I also said that I knew I was the cause of his wanting out. So, we separated with a mediator and never once did either of us say anything negative of the other. In fact, we supported each other, and our mediator said ours was the most honorable separation that she had ever witnessed. I’m very proud of us both, and that’s why we’re still such close friends.

If I had something to apologize to Frani for, I would. But she was the attacker, and as all of you know, if I am attacked, I cannot speak because I don’t feel safe. That relationship is dead.

•

After dinner, I chose a movie, got it started, got up, and went to the shed to fetch my weed whacker, and I got a good lot done of the yard. I worked until the battery ran out, and now there’s not much left to do. I can finish up in 15 minutes today, and then I start raking all the twigs and cones up. I’m looking forward to doing that and more over the coming week that will be warm and sunny.

•

I’ve known about the five years now, for a week. I’ve been thinking, what do I want to do? All I want to do is stay here every day for as long as I can. Every year, my garden will be more and more amazing. And I will always have lots of wood for essential Winter fires.

It’s weird to have a decay date. It’s an average figure, so it’s still a crap shoot in a way. It’s weird like knowing when Patsy is going to die with MAID.  I feel something, but it’s gentle. I just have no idea how to name these feelings. I think I feel like when you mention to someone that you’re reading such and such a book (but you haven’t finished it yet), and your friend says: “Did you ever imagine Dirk would be the killer?”

So, you finish the book, but it’s not like before. I don’t feel sad. I can’t think of a reason to be sad. Sheba can go to a good home. She’ll be twelve if I get to five years, thanks to this drug. The cats will be fine. If I die in the house, they might eat me. I’m not prone to sadness over disease/death. I can deal with it.

I'm not telling people here about my prognosis. But here, I have no secrets.

•

I woke up angry at Frani. She said I “treated her badly” and that she “forgives me.” What utter bullshit. She infuriates me, so I wrote to her this morning, told her she was an addict who misremembers that night, and that I have fucking NOTHING to apologize for. It felt good to tell her off, and I didn’t sign it. I just ensured that I never ever hear or think of her again. I want to forget about her now forever.