Wednesday, January 10, 2024

Fighting the Dragon


It’s predicted to be -10° on Thursday night. Fuck! That’s the bad news. The good news is the lift I’ve felt since my epiphany on Sunday night. Last night I watched two movies—yes! Two movies —without shaking or hyperventilating while watching them. It could be coincidence, or it could be progress resulting from my recent epiphany.

Monday was a wild weather day. I walked in the morning with Regina and her dog Molly, we were both bundled up for the cold, and as we walked the snow was sticking to the ground. Back at my house, lower in altitude from where we were walking, the precipitation was mixed snow and rain, so no snow was sticking to the ground.

By evening, the precipitation was entire rain, but the raindrops were huge and heavy. As I went to bed, the rain was making a thundering noise on my metal roof. I loved it. I had a fabulous sleep last night.

I have no appointments or visitors for the rest of the month. I have one medical appointment on the 19th, and that’s all. So, for the rest of the month I have a lot of time to myself. I shall enjoy every minute. I see Dr. Shoja on the 30th, and I’m really looking forward to seeing her and talking about my recent epiphany night.


Tuesday began stunningly bright and relatively warm. Her Highness and I loved our morning walk together. My spirits were very high. When we came home, I got busy with domestic chores before lunch while Sheba napped. As clouds rolled in during the early afternoon, I actually did some yard work. 

Mid-afternoon, Bronwyn came to prune all my fruit trees. They’ve been hobbled. I was shocked, but I have full confidence in Bronwyn. She said that they will burst with new growth and she’ll do it again, but there are more blossoms and fruits with pruning. I’m glad she’s my gardener. As we walked around the yard, it was shocking to see how close to bursting with blossoms or leaves many of the plants are, after our unseasonably warm Autumn.

I’ve seen psychiatric sessions portrayed, and I’ve seen victims of abuse portrayed. They bear no resemblance whatsoever to my experience. However, no two individuals are the same, practitioners have different methodologies, and disorders manifest in different ways in different people.

My psychiatric experience is in text, and broken speech, often with long gaps. I’m extremely happy/lucky that I had Dr. Shoja’s hand to hold; I am sticking with her for a while. I’ve had a cathartic experience that’s left me sad. I have been recalling things I said, and said often, to others, things that should have made me realize.

had to bring “victim of neglect” into my identity. It has hurt, hurt, hurt, lately, but the reward is understanding. Birth always comes with pain. Sunday night was my coming out night, to myself. Coming out as neglected. But also grateful for a great life of wonderful friends and pets. The best part of this, is that I may apologize less for my symptoms. 

I feel more ‘in control’ in my own body. I am currently in negotiation on my symptoms. I’m using calming and control techniques to catch the minor seizures before they turn into full seizures. I feel I have power because I know where the dragon is coming from. Why it is here. And I am not afraid. I do not want to kill the dragon. Killing is not in my repertoire. I want to establish boundaries with the dragon. And I’m going to push for as much as I can over the next several months.

This is embroidery!

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